I Just Feel Trapped

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      So, I’m a teen, going into 9th grade. Throughout my life, in elementary, and middle school, I’ve accidentally offended or hurt or made someone uncomfortable, and even though I apologize, they just never seemed to get it. I mean yeah, I’d be upset too, but why can’t we just get over these things? I only got diagnosed with ADHD in 6th grade, so throughout elementary school I was constantly in trouble and missing recess and doing extra work. I got medicated for ADHD around the beginning of 7th grade, and it has helped some. But now, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve literally typed up a letter apologizing for any event that may have/might happen, along with an explanation of my ADHD.

      Hi there. If you’re reading this, that means I may have or might accidentally offend you, hurt you, or make you uncomfortable, either physically, mentally, or emotionally. And for that, I apologize. You see, I have ADHD, and I find it difficult to control my impulses, or think before I speak. I won’t explain what most ADHD is like, instead I’ll explain what MY ADHD is like.

      Essentially what happens is that I can’t control myself sometimes. Okay, a LOT of the time. But I can’t help it. My brain is going so fast I can’t hear my thoughts, so I speak before I think, and often end up hurting others because of it. I don’t mean to, it just happens. If I want to hug you, I’ll hug you. If you say stop, I hug tighter. My mind doesn’t register ‘stop’ correctly. Instead of the word ‘stop’ actually meaning stop, my mind just ignores it and hugs tighter. I’ll poke you, play with your hair, annoy you. But I really don’t mean to. I’m too loud, I’m too energetic, I’m too bouncy. I can’t focus for long on one particular thing, so if I start doing something else during a conversation with you, please know that I am really doing it in an effort to pay attention to you. I can’t help any of these things. I have a ‘trigger phrase.’ A trigger phrase, for me at least, is something you can say that takes the place of ‘stop,’ or ‘let go.’ That phrase is ‘no more bunnies.’ I know it sounds kind of stupid, but try it on me sometime, you’ll see that it works. Now, I am medicated for ADHD, but sometimes that medication doesn’t work for me, or it just wears off. A lot of people don’t understand that I really can’t control this, and just think I’m being rude or spiteful or idiotic. I’m trying to control myself, but my attempts are futile most of the time. I also repeat myself a lot until you respond. I annoy you to no end and don’t even realize I’m doing it. I really don’t realize I’m doing any of the things I do until someone points it out or confronts me about it. I do occasionally realize it, and of course I’ll immediately apologize if I do. But please, if you recognize me doing any of the things I just explained to you, point them out, for my sake and everyone else’s.

      That’s the letter.

      I also have a brain that goes so fast I can’t understand anything, so I’m often slower than everyone else in understanding things. I constantly have to ask a friend for help, or ask the teacher to slow down, and I know this irritates my classmates. I can’t help the fact that I need it repeated or said/done in a different way. I used to be outstanding in my school performances in elementary through 6th grade. Then 7th grade is where it went downhill. I struggle immensely to keep my head above the water, most of the time just barely able to do so. I’m scared that everything I mentioned is just going to get worse throughout high school.

      I know this was a long read, but if you read this, thanks.

      • This topic was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Sage.
      • This topic was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Penny Williams.
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