I just can’t trust him?…ADD partner who cheats…is it normal?

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    • #179676
      rosepetal
      Participant

      Hi. I’m new to this forum and have no one else to talk to…

      My ADD partner and I have been together 4 years and most of the time we are very happy. I have learnt a lot about ADD and understand a lot of the things that I come up against. Ie rubbish never emptied, having to leave lists every day etc

      About 2 years ago I found some messages on his phone to a girl on Instagram that he had never met and was unlikely to ever meet (she lived in another country) the messages were all about how he had feelings for her blah blah he said it was purely the adrenaline hit and nothing was meant by it. We saw a councillor and we moved on. About 8 months later I found he left me. No warning. Nothing. Packed his bags and moved out. 3 weeks later he was back saying he’d had a meltdown. How the pressure of the relationship had gotten too much so he bolted. A few weeks later I found that an old high school crush of his has seen him and was Persuing him and convinced him to leave me. That they were going to run off into the sunset. He admitted that he let nostalgia get the better of him and in reality he had nothing more than a high school boy crush on her and those feelings weren’t real. I believed him. We had it out (with our therapist ) and he deleted her (after I read the messages he had sent telling her to stay away and that he wanted to be with me) and we moved on.

      About 10 months after that I found some text messages on his phone to some random girl. Again he said it was nothing and just for the chase. This was last year. During the lockdown I saw on his Facebook that a girl from out of town sent him some photos of her self to him and he sent one back. I confronted him and he broke down saying it’s nothing. That he can’t help the chase but it means nothing.

      Our sex life is pretty non existent. Once a week if we are lucky. (This is partly to do with true fact we have older children living at home and that he rarely seems interested at night and only in the morning and I have to go to work early) but he watches porn. (This doesn’t really bother me)

      I have seen messages on his Facebook of him flirting with women. I don’t think he would actually meet with them. I think he just does it for the attention. For the dopamine hit. For the thrill.

      But I can’t get over it. To me it is totally wrong. He never flirts with me anymore. Never sends me flirty messages. Is this normal?

      I guess I just need someone to tell me that they too have this. I do love him and I do believe he loves me. I just don’t trust him and that’s a huge thing to me. He wants to get married. I do too but I don’t know if I will ever trust him

      He says he needs to see a therapist again to help him stop feeling the need to chat to women…

      Any advice??

    • #179685
      ilovemyadhdman
      Participant

      From my experience, which is not a lot, it is not abnormal behaviour. It is the thrill of the chase and the challenge. I think the only solution is for them to want to change their behaviour. This can happen through habit changes, medication and therapy. It may be an explanation of his behaviour, but it doesn’t make it excusable.

    • #179799
      AdeleS546
      Participant

      I could never stay with a man who couldn’t be faithful to me, who constantly lies and hides things. If I can’t trust my partner than what do I have?

      In every relationship things become comfortable between the parties involved, which often leads to complacency. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with him chasing that new shiny thing to a fill a void in his life.

      Him having ADHD is not an excuse to cheat. Unless he is willing to accept responsibility for his behavior and is willing to change, not just say he’s going to, marrying him won’t make things any easier.
      He has to show you with actions and there has to be lasting change in order for you to believe it.

      Trust is a terrible thing to lose in someone and it is hard to get it back.
      Flirting with other women & hiding things from you is not right and you know this.

      I have been with my ADHD partner for five years and he hasn’t cheated and neither have I

      • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by AdeleS546.
      • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by AdeleS546.
      • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by AdeleS546.
      • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by AdeleS546.
      • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by AdeleS546.
      • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by AdeleS546.
      • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by AdeleS546.
    • #180007
      Lesilotte
      Participant

      I hate to say this, but I would not pursue the relationship any further. I know you want to be understanding, I see how hard you are willing to work to make it work. You seem to be such a kind and forgiving person. But he does not yet seem to be in a place to be the partner you need. He doesn’t seem like much of a partner at all frankly. If you became sick, or in need of care, how would he respond? I am not encouraged by your description of his current behavior, and his desire for ‘forgiveness’ but lack of desire to figure out what he needs to do to stop ‘cheating.’

      It’s like you are living in a perpetual cycle of High School drama, cheating, flirting, forgiving, therapy, wash, rinse, repeat. He gets his precious dopamine hit BUT WHAT DO YOU GET? And that, my dear, is a reasonable question. You deserve something out of this relationship too. You deserve a haven of caring and compassion and understanding. You deserve fun and laughter and joy. And from your description I don’t see him bringing any of that to the table.

      Remember, while he’s ‘cheating’ on you, texting or whatever things you have caught him doing (and there could be more you haven’t) he is also cheating on the other woman who may not know about YOU.

      Ask yourself this:
      If things are exactly as they are now five years from now, will I still be ok with his behavior, and the constant drama cycle?

      I hope the answer is no. I hope that five years from now you will have a partner who honors you and respects you. ADHD is a tough road to be sure, but it’s no excuse here. There are plenty of wonderful men with ADHD who would cherish your desire to help them navigate the difficulties, and never put you through this just because it makes them feel better.

      Breaking it off is going to be hard. It is always hard. He will promise, he will ‘get better’ or whatever. Don’t fall for it! The drama of getting you back will be his latest dopamine hit… And when he ‘wins’ you back and feels secure it will start all over again.

    • #180086
      leftie22
      Participant

      Don’t marry someone you don’t trust. You don’t need a lifetime of checking up on him or wondering if/when he’s going to leave again. Life is hard, people age, responsibilities keep coming, and you need a partner who you know will be with you through all of that. This isn’t the guy. Having a relationship with someone with ADHD has enough challenges, without adding cheating.

      I agree with the previous poster, he’ll hyper focus on you if you try to leave, but as soon as you give him another chance, he’ll be back to chasing excitement.

    • #180325
      Maiskolben
      Participant

      Did you ever speak about the possibility of a non-monogamous relationship?

      Maybe it would be a good idea to talk with each other about your basic needs?

      If they not fit together I think it is very difficult develope a happy relationship with each other.

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