I feel used and manipulated

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    • #144190
      Sun20
      Participant

      My husband is currently in a diagnosis process and the psych thinks he at least had ADHD and ODD. I think he also has RSD. He is totally resistant and uncooperative about it all.

      We have been together for 8 years and in the last 18 months he has become increasingly hostile towards me (increase in rage, criticism rude etc) this also corresponds to him setting up a business which has given him a boost of confidence. With this boost of confidence he has increasingly started acting like king of the world at home – if I ask him to do something to help (literally anything) he resists telling me he doesn’t want to be told what to do (says things like “I’ll do what I want” “don’t tell me what to do etc) and a few weeks ago he told me he realises that he “hates people who tell him what to do.” Why has his attitude towards me changed so radically?

    • #144191
      ryoto
      Participant

      It doesn’t matter what he os diagnosed with it doesn’t give him the right to behave negatively towards you.

      No one here will be able to tell you why he is like this because there are so many things it could be that don’t have anything to do with ADHD as well.

      It is wonderful you are looking to support him but make sure you are getting support for yourself.

      My best friend of over 15 years has similar attitudes to your husband and also has symptoms of ADHD ODD and Rejection sensitivity. It has built up into alcoholism and physical abuse of his sister and friends, I had to go to hospital because he bit through my ear.

      If his behaviour is getting worse and hurtful to you you need to get support for yourself and evaluate just what you are willing to put up with

      Now for him refusing to do things at home, do you already have a division of tasks or are you the one cooking, cleaning and washing everything?

      Because if you are I would refuse to do anything for him until he got a better attitude and was thankful for everything you do.

      However that is just me, and if you think doing something like that will make your life worse and his behaviour worse I would seriously consider finding a psychologist or something similar for yourself.

      Just because someone has ADHD/ODD/ect isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour and yes maybe you might need to accommodate them and support them in someways it doesn’t mean you have to be there doormat to spit on.

      • #144194
        quietlylost
        Participant

        ^^ Good post from ryoto.

      • #144310
        ju1066
        Participant

        Today 07:35 Ju1066

        My husband has this week been diagnosed with ADHD. After 3 unhappy years of struggling to live with him, he finally agreed to be screened! Life has been unbearable with constant forgetfulness, distraction, zoning out and total lack of empathy! He appears very selfish with his time preferring to play golf, pool etc than spend any time with me. In the beginning I was overwhelmed by his hyper focus on me but following marriage, this quickly dwindled leaving me very lonely, confused and stressed. We bicker constantly with no resolution to our arguments! I know it’s not his fault he presents this way but I can’t continue living life like this! He likes his own way and doesn’t see reason, only his own! I’m at my wits end, he blames everything on my hormones which only escalates things!

      • #144311
        Sun20
        Participant

        Yep I totally hear you. It is unbearable. I get the hormones one too. There’s no sense or reason. I find it interesting that there seems to be quite a lot of ADHD people who don’t abuse manipulate gaslight etc who are on a mission to be responsible and self growth – like there is awareness. Then there seems to be another group who are more tyrannical.

      • #144196
        Sun20
        Participant

        Totally. Thank you for the time and effort in your response. I’ve been having such a hard time with him. Actually he just said he now refuses to go to the psychologist as no matter what he won’t pursue treatment … and so I have just asked him for a divorce and to move out this weekend. I can’t take being verbally and emotionally abused by him anymore.

        What confuses me is how this ODD type behaviour has arisen – how did I just not see it before?! How could he have been so great and then four years ago when I was pregnant things started changing a bit with his attitude towards me. Now I feel like totally manipulated- I looked after his kids, helped with finances, been a good friend etc and then to be tested with such contempt I find so bizarre. I have been working with a psychologist for the last two years to unravel what’s going on and get to this point. Now it looks like we are getting divorced as he is choosing to not treat himself. Life is indeed a funny thing.

      • #144272
        AdeleS546
        Participant

        If this is your first relationship with someone with ADD/HD, in the beginning, and for several years there can be what is known as the “Hyperfocus” phase. I am a member of the site “The ADHD Affect on Marriage”. On this site, there are many stories from “Non” spouses who feel they got the old “bait and switch”, when they married their spouse. Several spouses report a change either after marriage, or following a major life changing event, such as the birth of a child.

        You don’t deserve to be abused, and if you were to stay with him and he is refusing to change, it will not set a good example for your child. I am sorry you are going through this.

      • #144281
        Sun20
        Participant

        Thanks Adele – really appreciate your support. This is tough. All really really tough. Thanks for the reminder that this can be what happens – I’ve read it many many times though when you’re in the thick of it in real life with the other person, to see and feel it play out I find it so mind bending. I literally feel conned and like I’ve wasted all this time with this fraudster. I guess I have to remember that he’s probably not done it on purpose right? I don’t have to be in this anymore though. I’ve asked him to leave and hope he goes without any fuss.

    • #144197
      Sun20
      Participant

      It’s like he is a totally different personality … I feel like he got what he wanted in life now I am used foods and he wants to move on. I found out recently he did a similar thing to his ex wife. The question I have is how can I ever trust someone again! I feel like I am quite a good judge of character and actually partly do that for my job. I don’t understand how I didn’t really see the depths of the problems he had.

    • #144198
      ryoto
      Participant

      Focus on your kids and yourself don’t worry about trusting other people yet.

      ADHD ect runs in family’s so now you know the signs you will be able to help your kids should anything arise with them.

      Don’t forget his behaviour will have affected them as much as you even if he was never abusive to them they may later on mirror his behaviour towards you. This happened with my cousin her daughter treated her mother the way the abusive father did.

      I hope your divorce goes without too much trauma and it will help you both get some perspective.

      Sometimes being to close to someone makes it easy to ignore minor things that would be considered red flags to others. A prime example is parents refusing to acknowledge ADHD/Autism/dyslexia in there kids!

      Just focus on yourself, you have decided to leave him and though he may always be in your life for the kids doesn’t mean he has to affect you for the rest of your life.

      • #144200
        Sun20
        Participant

        Thanks again for the good practical advice and positivity. I think I will need to get my daughter in some kind of therapy at some point – she is only four. I have massive reservations about sharing custody when he is untreated. It’s a horrible state of affairs to not feel free.

    • #144214
      ryoto
      Participant

      Keep a dated and times diary of things he does that are abusive or would be negative to an impressionable child. Keep it factual and quote anything your child says/does in response also.

      If you apply for sole custody use it as evidence of why you don’t want unregulated contact between him and her.
      But stress you are willing and encourage for him to have supervised contact at a contact centre or in the presence of a support worker or similar.

      Just try to keep as calm as you can when around him, but also show your daughter it is good to embrace any sad/angry/confused feelings in a productive way. If she is angry and shouts when calmed down a bit get her to draw out the frustration and talk to her while she is focused on something else.

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