I feel like I'm trapped

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    • #113761

      Hi. I’m new here, this is my first post.

      I’m a junior in highschool, who’s currently medicated and has been since Fall 2018, and recently started therapy.
      I struggle with school so much, and only was diagnosed in mid 2018. Everything up to 8th grade was really easy, I always finished all of my work before noon(I’m homeschooled). When I started highschool, I expected the same amount of work, and just quit my schoolwork once I put in the same amount of work I was used to. At the time, I was pretty independent. My mom is my teacher, but it was moreso that she would buy me textbooks, I’d read them, do the assignments, and come to her if I was stuck on something, so I was pretty unmonitored. My dad had recently bought me a nice new computer, so once I was “done” with work, I would spend the rest of the day online.
      My mom didn’t know I was doing very little work until she had to report my grades. Soon enough she figured out how behind I was, and how little work I was getting done, and blamed it on the computer. But even though I had the computer taken away(they changed my password, I couldn’t get on until I checked with them, etc), I still couldn’t manage to catch up. Before I knew it, for my worst subject, I was a year and a half behind. I only just recently finished my freshman year of English, to show you the severity even when I am still now medicated.

      My psychologist is currently messing around with my medications to see if I can be able to catch up, but I always find myself(even when I’m taking my medicine), physically and mentally drained at the end of the day doing my six subjects. I’m so drained, that I can’t even muster the energy to do any extra catchup work, because I’ve expended it all on just the assignments to keep me from falling even further behind.
      I’ve tried explaining this to my mom, and even though she tries really hard to understand and help me, in the end she doesn’t truly. We have arguments over and over. She ends up comparing it to when “she was in highschool she had homework until she had to go to bed. Everyone else had the same responsibility and they were fine. But she’s neurotypical! I try to be patient but if you’re feeling frustrated, being told that everyone else had to put up with it and they were fine, that you should be too, is even more discouraging.
      Not only am I physically drained, I’m feeling burnt out almost 24/7. So even if I wasn’t feeling brain-foggy, if I don’t have my break, it severely affects my mood. I get anxious, depressed, I’m constantly thinking, “I could be doing more”, “This shouldn’t be taking this long”, “If I just did what I was supposed to in the first place I wouldn’t be in this mess”.

      I’ve tried coping skills. Phone reminders- I get distracted from work by having my phone around; Obnoxiously colored post-its- My attention to detail is so bad, I don’t even notice them, even when I put them on things I’m using all the time
      In general, mainstream coping skills don’t seem to work for me. I’ve tried so many, I’m actively trying things anyway, and it’s an exercise in futility. My mom likes to quote a blog from here, “don’t try harder, try differently.” But when it comes to coping mechanisms, she seems to either ignore or forget that quote entirely. Either I haven’t tried it long enough, or i need to “fight harder,” or I that I just want to argue, or she takes it personally and gets offended saying I just refuse it because she offered it.

      I’m so frustrated.

    • #113873

      Hey there, what you’re going through sounds really hard and I think it’s great that you tried your best to solve it despite how difficult things get.

      Moving from home school to full time school is like culinary school to working. Imagine only having a school test for 6 macarons then making a giant batch at work for a few hundred little macarons within the same amount of time. It takes more than effort and learning how to do things differently, I think my chef in charge made thousands of macarons before he can do it so easily by eye perfectly.

      I wasn’t very good at working on my own for schoolwork sometimes so I did it together with some classmates. We all get distracted by random things but set a time limit for completing our work, despite my classmate always wondering what pizza to order or sometimes they need to remind me to get back to Earth. We would reward ourselves with our favorite snacks or watch a movie after that.

      Maybe what is lacking in your situation is not effort but small rewards for yourself and/or a supportive teacher who may help you learn how to cope with your difficulties. Sometimes I could struggle for ages but my teacher will prompt me with questions or summarize things in 1 sentence so that I can understand quickly and know what to do, compared to a lecturer who talk for 3 hours and I still can’t absorb anything.

      Poor attention to detail may be due to being burnt out and maybe anxiety from not being able to catch up. I often find myself making odd mistakes because I was trying to finish things quickly, like switching on the blast chiller but not pressing the blast chill button because I just wanted to move on to the next task. It can be hard to think spontaneously quickly and react quickly so sometimes I really need to stop myself and think what’s the most important thing right now. Or when I come across the same situation, I need to remind myself don’t overcook the eggs,keep checking it. Sometimes I would check at different stages otherwise I’d waste half a day of work and a few kg of expensive ingredients.

    • #113964

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone, I have only so much attention in a day—then my brain’s like “OK, we’re done.” You’re having to sustain your attention for a long time & on many subjects. I feel like there’s more pressure on hs students than there was on me. I’m 33 now.

      I went to private school until 5th grade—-which you’d think would’ve thought I’d have an easier time transitioning to public school right?????

      I had to be in tutoring for years to catch up. I bet your mom did a great job homeschooling you–I’m not dissing her. But, obviously the difference between what was expected of you then & your school load now are VERY DIFFERENT.

      Just hang in there & do the best you can….nobody can expect more of you than that.

      JUST remember—Highschool is important, but other than the GPA–which you could raise easily w/one year of communitty college. COLLEGE is the where most of the academia counts—I don’t know why parents/teachers put so much emphasis on high school…..I just did my best to survive during that time and where I REALLY thrived—was in college.

      • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Skypark962.
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