I feel like I’m faking (word vomit ahead)

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    • #89081
      Scaredycat
      Participant

      After a breakdown around May/June I realised I have been ignoring some pretty major issues of my mental health, writing it off as not being good enough, but it’s becone too exhausting and that’s the only word I think can accurately describe what I’m feeling, I’m exhausted of having to put 110% into my studies only to get 60% marks in return, and when I do get 80-90% I can’t even feel rewarded because of what I have to sacrifice to get there, I can’t socialise or have hobbies because I know I will fail if I even try, I spend my days pacing in circles, biting my nails to stubs and begging my body to move when I want it to, half of my issues come from my inability to start things, I make excuses for why I should do easy tasks before necessary tasks and don’t do either until it becomes urgent, I’m sick of only being able to focus on one task a day because I literally can’t handle getting in the headspace of two separate tasks (it doesn’t make sense), I space out while scrolling on my phone only to look up and it’s 4am and I was meant to be asleep already or I put a soda in the freezer but oops it’s 8 hours later and it’s exploded, Im sick of having to fight my body to do anything I want to, I’m sick of not being able to talk to anyone because it feels like I’ll throw up if there’s even the potential that I’ll be criticised and knowing I’ll feel the exact same way reading replies to this post and Im sick of all the symptoms I haven’t mentioned which now make it impossible for me to function, I can’t even remember how I coped in the first place (ignoring everything), sorry this post is really long winded I have an appointment in August to hopefully get diagnosed but for now I’m stuck forever doubting myself until it becomes official, I can’t talk about this with my mum because she can’t understand how I went from ‘normal’ to having all these problems seemingly over night, it feels like my symptoms are getting worse now that I notice them, has anyone else felt this way? (^;w;^)

    • #89088
      JBoom
      Participant

      Once you decide to make that appointment, the wait can be insufferable! Hang in there, help is on the way!

      That said, you’ll have to be a ready and willing participant for your treatment to be helpful. The fact that you’re here on this site means you are doing your part to learn about your role in that treatment. That’s the best thing you can do right now, just absorb as much info in any way you can do so.

    • #89115
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      Right now you’re in that cycle of being very aware of struggles and hyperfocusing on them because you don’t have another plan of attack yet.

      Getting a diagnosis may be a relief and could break this cycle of fear and shame.

      A Short But Solid Evaluation for Diagnosing ADHD

      If you get an ADHD diagnosis, make sure you seek treatment as well.

      Your After-Diagnosis Survival Guide

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #89146
      Krismchacer
      Participant

      I SOOOOOO related to your comments!! I have learned to be kind to myself and the biggest block to my success is in fulfilling others’ expectations. You’re starting a process of how to adapt your life so it fits you, whether you get that diagnosis or not. The diagnosis only gets you meds and insurances to pay for it. Even after starting meds, systems that work for you must be put in place. It’s not magic and it won’t make you “normal”. None of us can tell you WHAT to do, everyone with AD(H)D (or without, for that matter) needs to learn and identify their strengths and weaknesses and learn how to use them to their advantage….and YES there ARE advantages! In the beginning, just name your top priorities and then just do the best on those. Use lists and alarms, have friends call you with reminders, set your clocks ahead, etc. Sit in your pajamas all day in a dirty house if the small numerous rituals and other “things I ‘should’ do” are overwhelming. Not every day. Just on the days you need to focus–cut out those distractions. Turn off the phone and the TV and the e-mail. Tell people you’re unavailable. Use games and music to motivate you. I have a whole LIST of things that may be silly but they work for me–for instance: I am going to wash dishes for every commercial when I am watching a program. You’d be surprised how quick I jump to do it when that chore is in 2-3 minute blocks so I don’t miss my program! (Better yet, invest in DVR technology so you can pause/rewind live TV and then won’t miss anything if you just have to finish those last 3 forks!) After I had to re-wash numerous loads of laundry (and throw some away because of the mildew) I started setting a timer which I keep right at the basement door for that purpose. Try that for your soda in the freezer–keep a magnetic one right on the freezer door! And yes, I still forget to set the timer, but even if I remember it 3 out of 4 times, I’m better off than I was. And if the dishes don’t get done that night, I drain the water (or let some things soak) and try again the next day. I have kept my pill box and even car keys in my refrigerator where every morning I go in to get my drink before I head out of the door. There is no governmental or finite law that says there is a standard for what you do, how often you do it, or when you do it. The word “SHOULD” needs to be evaluated every time you use it. Who made these rules that things “should” be done this way? Does that person think like you do? Do they have your same obligations in life? Do they have your strengths and weaknesses? If people criticize, just tell them, it wasn’t on the agenda for this week. Or this month. Or this afternoon. The other thing is-we ALL do make mistakes, like forgetting an important birthday. We do have to sometimes apologize and make amends. As you begin to quit beating up on yourself for feeling inadequate, you will be surprised how many people start to accept you as you are. But you need to accept yourself first, and every day, every hour, every minute is a gift to do that. Keep a list of 2-3 awesome things you did that day even if it is just taking the stairs instead of the elevator, giving a compliment to someone, or cleaning the toilet. Keep a list of and surround yourself with the joy-giving things in your life. I personally enjoy certain smells, songs, and can see beauty in many things that exhilarate me when most people just walk on by. So I made a playlist in my I-Tunes folder called “JOYLIST” and listen to those songs when I need to feel great! My favorite tool at my office is a stuffed cat grinning ear to ear in a smirk that also shines with contentment–he makes problems seem to look a lot smaller when I truly take a moment to look at him. Be yourself. YOU ARE GREAT!!! and you will get there….. 😉

    • #89205
      toomanytabs
      Participant

      I also can relate to this. It sounds like you are a younger person (teen or young adult), and that is a tough stage of life to begin with – when you add in ADHD, rejection sensitivity (that fear of criticism) and what sounds like anxiety, it’s no wonder you feel overwhelmed. It sounds to me like you are being very hard on yourself. You are doing the right thing by seeking help, but above all be gentle with yourself. Try and let go of the “shoulds” (easier said than done, I know!)and just show yourself love and kindness as you are – you deserve that, from others and yourself.

    • #89510
      Bert
      Participant

      You seemed normal and these problems appeared overnight…I’m agreeing with “toomanytabs” that you sound young.
      What level are you in school? What you are describing is kind of where I was going from high school to college. (ages 17-19)
      Looking back, going from the rather monotonous elementary and high school experiences to college where everything was “completely my responsibility” was too much.

      All of the coping mechanisms you might’ve developed are being tested big time.

      Does your school (or some clinic near you) have a drop-in/”emergency” counselor? Depending on how soon in August your appointment is, you could be going on feeling the same way for several weeks…which can’t feel great. A one-time session just to vent and get some guidance on stress management could help… [Emergency counselors aren’t just for suicide or potential crime interventions (although those are priorities: a session I had once was interrupted for just such a situation), they are for “I need to talk something out and don’t think it can wait for 2 months”.] Do that before you chew your nails too far!

    • #89644
      DROFAS
      Participant

      I faked it for decades before I hit the wall of anxiety and depression.
      Having come from a family with a variety of psychological problems (many probably related to ADHD), I felt like I was the “lucky” one.
      After more than 10 years of dealing with those symptoms, my therapist suggested ADHD and I got the diagnosis last month. It’s been a godsend.
      To echo the others here, see a professional as soon as possible.
      You seem to feel the stigma that society puts on differences and that is natural. A therapist can help resolve that. Meds help and skills for dealing are available. You can get back into life.

    • #89648
      nessy
      Participant

      Nope, no criticism here! (And I hope you can see that by the responses you’ve already received.)

      Also, I feel you. I relate to everything you said- the things you’ve done, the way you feel. Scary accurate, but that should also give you hope. Because after confirming your diagnoses with a professional, instead of constantly feeling like a broken failure- you can begin to realize that you’ve been fighting an invisible enemy the entire time. Then you get to focus on how to turn that enemy into your friend and work together. I’m still working on this- late diagnoses. But I’ve definitely managed to quiet those lies of being dumb, a failure, etc.
      Get the appt, go to it, learn about ways to help you manage your weaknesses better and run with it. It’s gonna be ok. It might not feel like it now, but I will get better. Hang in there and know there are safe places to share- this place being one.

    • #89738
      MScHealth
      Participant

      I was diagnosed with ADHD in medical school. The doctor prescribed methamphetamine/ Adderal. He kept increasing the dose and my grades and health suffered.
      I was able to find a natural alternative that works for me.

      Here is some information on a natural alternative:

      http://www.probioticpack.com/prozac-zoloft-alternative

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