I feel like calling it quits

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    • #172009
      justexhausted2020
      Participant

      I am a non-ADHD spouse. I love my husband very much but I need coping mechanisms NOW to continue this relationship. He currently takes prescriptions for depression and bipolar (Abilify and Wellbutrin). He has been diagnosed a couple of times with ADHD (he does not want to take any prescriptions for this issue). We have been married for 20 years and the last 6 months has been extra challenging. He gets up between midnight and 1am and either goes outside and fiddle with things, sits in his truck and listen to his music and go joyriding. I was recently diagnosed with liver disease and his behavior is causing health issues for me. He does not feel like he is doing anything wrong leaving the home @ 1am and being hyperactive throughout the day. I don’t know if this is a relationship I should continue if this is affecting my health. I am new to the forum and will read some articles that may help me to gain peace, but any advice offered is well appreciated.

    • #172014
      BelovedLeah
      Participant

      I’m very sorry to hear of your pain. I do understand some of it; I have a husband with untreated adhd (also wants no treatment), and kids with adhd and other comorbid diagnoses. And I have 2 family members with bipolar.

      The problem with bipolar and adhd being in the same individual is that doctors are cautioned to never give bipolar patients any stimulants. Why is this? Because it can trigger a manic episode, and in treating bipolar, you want to avoid manic episodes as much as possible.

      You mentioned that he has been prescribed Wellbutrin. That is often given for adhd treatment, as well as depression. So he doesn’t realize it, but he’s on a treatment for adhd. It may not be a high enough dose for you to see the difference you are hoping for, however. And yet, it might have to be kept at a low dose because it’s also used for depression. And with depression meds, doctors also have to take care with their bipolar patients. It’s a much more complicated beast than adhd.

      I’m really sorry for all your pain. And from watching my two family members with bipolar, they are in a lot of pain, too. This stuff stinks for everyone.

    • #172042
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      I imagine he’s restless when he can’t sleep and he’s doing these other things in an effort not to disturb you. This restlessness and hyperactivity is part of the ADHD brain. Even medication doesn’t stop this, it just reduces it some.

      My Husband Has ADHD — and It’s Hurting Our Marriage

      Married with ADHD: How Real Couples Make It Work

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

      • #172964
        GBH447
        Participant

        Penny Williams, you give the most useless, insensitive replies here. You are the worst sort of enabler. Yes, people who have ADHD incur a tremendous amount of undeserved shame and difficulties, and that warrants sensitivity. I would love it if everyone understood the in’s and out’s of ADHD and what it is, how it works, how it affects people.

        But for you NOT to acknowledge this woman’s pain and difficulty here, to say that she should effectively just “deal with it” because it’s all part of the ADHD brain perpetuates the stigma of ADHD. It makes people with ADHD feel like there’s really no hope for improvement, that some things just are. And what, you figure that everyone else just has to deal with it? No.

        To the original poster: you’re right to be frustrated, and you have a right to your feelings and to consider ending this relationship. Your husband is an adult, and despite what certain others here might say, he can play an active role in managing his condition and overcoming it. You don’t want to be aggressive or give ultimatums–ADHD is a really tough thing for someone to suffer from, and you’ll benefit from coming to understand the details of it. But that doesn’t obligate you to stay in a relationship that is negatively affecting you. Anyone who suggests otherwise is manipulating you.

        So, when you talk to your husband about what’s going on, strictly speak in “I” statements. Express how this affects you, and what doesn’t work for you. Be wary of accusing him of doing things–“you” statements rarely help things. You can talk about his options for handling his circumstances in light of how it will strengthen the relationship you have. If he doesn’t make serious changes, consistently, walk away. As difficult as that might be. Give some sort of timeline for yourself here, too, because change won’t happen immediately, and if he makes concerted efforts, your ongoing support will be massively helpful.

      • #173043
        Penny Williams
        Keymaster

        @GBH447 — I NEVER said anything to suggest that the poster doesn’t have a right to her feelings. You’re seeing things that aren’t remotely part of what I posted. As a neurotypical with a diagnosed teen and an undiagnosed spouse, I’ve found the most helpful first step is to understand what is going on and understand the ADHD brain. Then, you can recognize that the individual isn’t always going to fit into the neurotypical box, and that that’s totally okay.

        Of course it’s hard. But part of how hard it is is in the fighting against who the individual with ADHD truly is. We can’t make them neurotyical, no matter hoe hard we try — all that does is cause pain and suffering.

        Penny
        ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #172598
      chino
      Participant

      1. He first needs to figure out whether or not he even has ADHD.

      2. I honestly don’t understand what’s your problem with him going for a joyride. Sleep issues are common for us I’d rather go for a walk than lay in bed being miserable. Do you want him to ask you for permission every time he goes outside?

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