April 2, 2018 at 1:59 am #80501LanternFestivalParticipant
If I’m being honest I wonder what it’s like to go a day and not hate myself. I was diagnosed with ADHD, five years ago. For years I wondered why couldn’t NB I do anything right. I wondered why the simplest tasks were so difficult. I wondered why I literally misplaced my phone every five seconds. I got my answer five years ago, but now, five years later I’m struggling more than ever. I cause so much stress to the people around me. I can’t handle or manage a single thing, and they always have to clean up my mess. It’s worse because I never realize it until it’s too late and the feelings of self-hatred cycle back again. Whenever I screw up or cause a rift between me and my friends I literally breakdown. It’s always my fault. Everything is always my fault and I feel so weak to do anything about it. I can’t do anything about it. I feel like a fraud most days. I play off that self-hatred with a vivacious and outgoing persona that has no fears and can do anything she sets her mind to. But that feels like an act, a pretend game, fragile glass that’s waiting to be broken. I’m a f+#@k up. I can’t do anything right. I genuinely don’t understand why people call me a good person when I’m a horrible one that screws up all the time. I wish I could function like normal. I wish I were organized and put together. I wish I were responsible. But no matter what I screw up. Every. Single. Time. I often find myself asking, “Why can’t I be normal?” It hurts. Being different. Being unable to complete the simplest tasks. I don’t understand why people are still kind to me and care about me. I don’t understand why and how people see a winner why they see a warrior, why they see a good person, why they see this awesome girl that I’m not. I genuinely don’t understand it. I feel like I can’t really talk about this with anyone and counselor/therapist has been having family issues so I haven’t been able to talk to them either. I just kind of needed to get that off my chest a bit. There’s still a lot more but this much helps.
- This topic was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Penny Williams.
April 2, 2018 at 12:05 pm #80544Penny WilliamsKeymaster
First of all, you’re not a screwup and everything isn’t your fault. Your brain works differently. Don’t expect the “norm” from yourself. Embrace different.
As I read your post, I wondered if you’re getting any treatment for your ADHD. Without treatment, it’s very hard to improve daily life with ADHD. That could be medication, therapy, healthy lifestyle, coaching…
The first, most important step is to accept and embrace your differences:
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Trainer on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
April 4, 2018 at 4:16 pm #80612Andrea@adhdprimedParticipant
I agree with 100% of what ADHDmomma said.
Those of us with ADD/ADHD feel things so much more strongly. One common characteristic is that our brains tend to overexaggerate issues. For example, when we have arguments with people, those we’re arguing with might see the exchange as small, and they’ll get past it quickly, whereas those of us with ADHD perceive the argument as more significant and it sticks with us. Our brains amplify situations and add so much more emotion and weight to them. We tend to hold onto things and beat ourselves up. We think of ourselves as a fuck ups, and we question our worthiness. Those are the automatic negative thoughts (ANTs), a term used by many experts. I call them my gremlins. They’re the little assholes that live in my brain and tell me terrible things about myself, and I know better than to listen to them. Because I take care of my brain and I’m self-aware, my gremlins usually lie dormant. Sometimes they’re sneaky little shits and hold me back without me realizing it. Sometimes they scream at me.
How to deal with ANTs: What you resist persists. Ignoring them won’t make them go away. Instead, welcome them. Ask them why they’re there. Sometimes they are trying to protect you. Sometimes it’s our perception of ourselves was put on us by someone else, such as parents who called their child stupid or childhood bullies. Humans internalize what other people say about us, especially at a young age.
Instead of ignoring or resisting the ANTs, thank them. Show those gremlins love. They’re more likely to disappear this way.
Breathe. Go easy on yourself. Remember that it’s not you, it’s your mind’s distortion of you. THIS is why and how people see you as a winner, warrior, good person and an awesome girl. If others think you’re those things than you are. If you don’t think you’re those things, it’s your distorted view of yourself that is caused by your brain.
What might help you out is to journal every evening. Reflect on your day and what went right. Take note of even the simplest of wins, such as “put my car keys in their usual home” “didn’t misplace my phone” and “showered.” It might help you notice that you have more wins than you think.
And every time you have a negative thought about yourself stop, breathe and BOMB it with love. Love it hard. Imagine that your heart is exploding with it. Imagine the love you feel for someone else (or a pet) and channel that. Those gremlins won’t know what hit them.
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