July 26, 2020 at 3:42 am #179896
Hey so I haven’t posted anything here before but I could use some help or at least some feedback that isn’t from my own head!
I have ADHD and dysgraphia, and now that I’m on meds and in college things are by all accounts going well!
But I can’t stop thinking about the years when I was unmedicated and used destructive ways to cope with my ADHD and the hatred that I received from my classmates and teachers for having ADHD.
I cut my self and slid shards of glass under my fingernails to help me focus during tests and other important school things. in my less self-destructive moments I would listen to 4-5 rock songs at full volume simultaislly to help calm my mind.
I spent years trying and failing to help my friends who were also being kicked around (literally and figurately) by our classmates, teachers, and families. I went from blaming the people who hurt us and told us to burn in hell, to blaming myself for letting the people who relied on me down, and I’m ashamed to say after years of this I started blaming my freinds for coming to me with all their problems. I wanted a win, so I stopped careing about who I was fighting, and I started to emotionally break my friends. It took one of my closest friends ending up on suicide watch because of purposely bad advice I gave him for me to realise that I was using the “win” of driving my friends to deprestion to compensate for all the losses in my own life.
Worst of all, at the same time that I started taking joy in starting down my friends, my little siblings started their own battles with depression and anxiety. I can never be sure if I am to blame or not for my brother and sister’s depression.
I’m better now, for the first time in over 6 years I am not physically or emotionally attacked by the people in my life (I didn’t realise how much I wanted a teacher that didn’t tell me that I would burn in hell intel I had one!). I no longer hurt myself or others to cope with ADHD or failure and wail my old friends never want to see or hear from me anymore, I have helped my siblings get to a better place. Its been 2 years, but I still can’t sleep, I can’t move past the person who I was and the damage that I did.
I don’t expect forgiveness or a way to a way to forget, but I need a way to live with myself so I can try to make up for who I was and try to help people for real this time.
I know that ADHD doesn’t cause people to do what I did, but I suspect that it is in part the reason that I can’t stop living in the past and dwelling on it. If anyone has any advice or thoughts I’d appreciate it
July 27, 2020 at 9:30 am #179939
This article offers solid insights and strategies on dealing with shame:
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach, Podcaster & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
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