How to overcome own challenges before disciplining child

[leanz]

Hello friends,

I read a lot about adhd and have become quite good at tuning in with my kid.

However, I was raised in a critical atmosphere and elders were particular about everything. I was neurotypical so I could handle their expectations.

But sometimes when my child makes a mistake, that pattern comes alive through me. I scold, criticise and am quite demanding of ‘right’ things and behaviour.

When Im finally calm, I try to make it up.

But all this is a roller coaster experience for both of us.

We already have challenges, how can I work on the negative patterns handed down in the family?

Thank you!

Regards,
Leanz

[minas mom]

I completely understand how you feel. I was taught not to disrespect my parents. I have adhd myself and it was a battle and as I got older I had to write sentences was grounded. I have had to learn to shut up and listen. I have a 7 year old daughter and it is a constant battle with her. I have to repeat myself, I scold and yell and get frustrated. I try to make it up by telling her I love her and I understand the struggles. I am having to learn to walk away when I’m breaking point. There has been times where she will not want me around, and I struggle to calm her down and I want to be there but she’s so angry and hurt with me. Any tips for me as well.

[Penny Williams]

It takes mindful awareness to change the way you parent. I would start practicing mindfulness, even 5 minutes a day. When something comes up with your child, train yourself to pause before responding or reacting. This is something you’ll have to practice long-term, but it works. I shifted myself from reactive to mindful in my own parenting.

Remember too, even what you don’t see as critical may be received as critical — I’m seeing that that happened with my now young adult child.

It’s difficult to undo patterns of parenting we have known for decades, but you can turn it around. It’s amazing that you’ve even realized that you need to.

Penny
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

[chino]

If youre neurotypical how did your kid end up with ADHD? Is your spouse or anyone in your or his close family diagnosed? Maybe hes not even ADHD. I’d get tested once more.

Don’t ever force him to do whats “proper”. Let him do things his way. Encourage him to be creative about everything and show excitement and amusement in his eccentric ways. He will learn better on his own than through micromanagement. Unless his life is in danger keep out of his business.

Otherwise he will hate you for life and you will be remembered as a bitter nag who has nothing better to do than correct everyone and destroy all joy.

[Author]

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