How to make a spouse realize he needs to be evaluated for ADHD?

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  AdeleS546 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #137951

    robinsonab
    Participant

    Hello,

    I have been looking around a lot and trying to find articles, but maybe someone knows some off hand.

    I have two children with my husband who has both been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD. My certainly didn’t want to accept it for a long time but know does, at least I think. However, he cannot for anything admit he has it himself and should get evaluated and possibly get some meds to help him. We have been together for almost 2 decades and it has been a roller coaster. I just don’t know how much more I can take as I feel it affects our children a lot as well. It can be things like not doing things that should be done until I have nagged him for months or I just make it happen myself even though it’s work I shouldn’t do. I can come home and kids have not eaten lunch but he has. Oh they didn’t tell me they were hungry. Sure they are now somewhat old enough to grab a snack themselves, but when he places them infront of their electronics, they won’t stop to go and eat, unless reminded. Being late, forgetting things all the time or the saying, you never told me…..except when it comes to his job…..always last minute, like morning of Mothers day he will go to store to get things to make breakfast in bed, or sit down with kids to craft a gift. Sorry but I don’t want to be laying in bed half the day, pretend to sleep and wait. Times when he is suppose to have come home early from work to take kids due to an appt, never shows and turns out something happened at work and he couldn’t leave but just wasn’t important enough to let me know. I can keep going. During a meeting once I had to leave early to pick up our youngest, I reminded him that he had to leave very soon to pick up our oldest. I get a text asking when is he getting off school again? Our son had already got out of school and should have been picked up, but he enjoyed talking and had no thoughts whatsoever about having to pick anyone up.

    I found this and I feel it’s spot on, but I know he will make a remark on it being from WebMD https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/adult-adhd-your-relationships#1

    I know he feels his work can be stressful and sleep is crap and he often says he “works in his sleep”, but he is always so about not wanting to take meds for anything. Anytime I address something he won’t hear it, but seem to listen more when others do and why I hope maybe a good article about how living with someone with ADHD can affect you, your relationships etc. Maybe reading certain things and hopefully being able to reflect that his own wife does always comment on those things too.

    I don’t know, just reaching and hoping I somehow can get him to at least go and get evaluated as a first step, and then see from there. Thanks!

  • #138170

    Mountainair
    Participant

    We discovered our son was dyslexic in 2nd grade and at the same time I realized I was also dyslexic and it was confirmed at the same time as my son. Hearing your pain and the years of stress I put my wife through thinking all my problems were some how related to me being dyslexic and not being ADHD. My wife has lived with my ADHD for over 40 years now and although I have accepted my ADHD making myself take the medication is our problem now. I wish I had an answer for you, because I know it was hard for me to accept I had a problem and my wife wasn’t just nagging me. It’s not normal to have unfinished projects everywhere and forget what you are doing as you go from room to room. I put my wife through hell for many years and didn’t even know it. I remember over 25 years ago when I finally told relatives my doctor said I had ADHD. They all said we could have told you that years ago!!! My advice to your husband and you can show him this letter is to at least get evaluated out of love for your family.

  • #140838

    hope
    Participant

    Hi there
    I have a similar problem and posted under “marriage struggling” a couple of days ago…probably in the wrong section. My husband also is undiagnosed but I’m certain he has ADHD and probably one of our sons
    Interestingly it is this particular son doing the things hubby does that can enrage him. Haha seems he doesn’t like living with himself
    I find it frustrating the advice everywhere is not to “parent your spouse with ADHD” but on the other hand overlook the complete disorganisation, mess and unfinished projects, rather remind constantly, white boards, set up alarms on phones, meanwhile being house organiser extraordinaire, bill payer, birthday rememberer…in other words nagging and mothering which is what we do already. Does your husband get irritable or have rages?
    I just think it would be better if a diagnosis was made so we could address symptoms together rather than risk causing offence. Also would give us both validation
    I know there is not easy answers but nice to know I’m not alone. I am so ready to help and go to counselling to find out where I’m going wrong and my contribution but he won’t..in the heat of the moment he’ll say it’s me with the problem
    Thanks for listening
    Please post if you have any breakthroughs

  • #140841

    AdeleS546
    Participant

    You should read Melissa Orlov’s book, The ADHD Affect on Marriage.
    Visiting her website is a good place for support.
    The only person you have control over is you.
    You cannot “make” your spouse get evaluated for ADHD.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  AdeleS546.

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