How to handle different thinking

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    • #48864
      Angie_H
      Participant

      Hello, all,

      I sometimes find my husband’s way of thinking maddening. I wonder how others handle this. I can give many examples:

      1. When I try to tell or ask my husband something, he interrupts and comments on what he thought I was going to say. It’s hard to convince him to listen and let me finish, then respond.
      2. It’s raining. I noticed a ceiling looks wet in one spot. My husband volunteered to move a piece of furniture instead of going in the attic to see if the roof is leaking.
      3. If he agrees to do something, he often does something different, then instantly raises his voice when I try to ask why. Or he does nothing and claims he never agreed to do the thing, that I’m mistaken.
      4. If I hire someone to do a repair that my husband promised to do and did not, he often interferes. It can range from having something in the way and telling the contractor to skip that portion of the job, that he will do it himself later, or coming to me after the contractor leaves, complaining about something being done ‘wrong’, instead of commenting to the contractor at the time or asking me to comment.
      5. He will repeatedly do something he knows will cause damage, such as putting a wet glass on a good piece of furniture, then says he forgot it would leave a ring. Or he says he had no idea anything bad would happen, who knew?
      6. If I notice something is getting damaged, such as he left something outdoors, my husband may comment he noticed it some time ago. If I ask why he did nothing, he is instantly in fight mode.

      I can give many more examples. How do you interact with someone whose way of thinking is so very different from your own?

      Angie

    • #48866
      Charlie
      Participant

      Need more information – does he have a diagnosis of some kind?

      • #48873
        Angie_H
        Participant

        Does the diagnosis matter? It is ADD, of course. BTW, my husband confirmed the roof (#2) is leaking. He did not move the furniture, only moved an antique item that was on it. I gave my husband the roofer’s number. Some time later I realized I had not heard him make the phone call. Why? He decided it was not urgent to call today. I contacted the roofer myself.

    • #48886
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      Experts will tell you the diagnosis does matter. It validates struggles, and lets you know what you’re dealing with and how best to approach it. It also, most importantly, opens the door to treatment, which is vital to any improvement.

      Adults: Are You Part of the 85 Percent?

      There are definitely strategies that can help manage the day-to-day and keep your relationship healthy:

      Loving Someone with ADHD Is Easy…

      Help! My Spouse Is Always [Fill In the Blank]

      How Learning to Listen Might Save Your Marriage

      In every relationship each party brings strengths and weaknesses, including those without ADHD. Assigning roles based on each party’s strengths will be most successful. For example, I’m the one who handles all the finances and financial decisions and I make the majority of phone calls to take care of things. That’s where my husband struggles most, and where I can do well. My husband handles all home maintenance and repairs, because that’s where he’s very knowledgable. And so forth…

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

      • #48965
        Angie_H
        Participant

        Hi, Penny,

        I read the articles you cited above. I have read many, many books and articles. My husband and I have worked with a marriage counselor and with an ADD coach. You say you and your husband divide tasks based on your strengths. My husband and I do the same. I do mine. We have a daily meeting to review to do lists and plans for the next day. Now we added a review of longer term plans. These meetings help, but the majority of my husband’s commitments still are not kept. Would you tell me from your personal experience how it happens that your husband completes his share of commitments?

        Angie

      • #49000
        Penny Williams
        Keymaster

        He doesn’t complete his commitments, without a lot of reminding and nagging, usually. It’s just part of him I’ve accepted. It can be infuriating at times, but having a child with ADHD and working to understand him led me to understand my husband much better.

        Penny
        ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

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