How to expain ADHD/ODD behavior and discipline to an outsider?

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  ADHDmomma 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #64595

    jhasselt
    Participant

    Kind of long post… Yesterday we had a family birthday party. At the birthday party, they allow you to pick a pumpkin. There were two giant pumpkins. When my 9 yo ADHD/ODD son (on Intuniv ER) asked for a giant pumpkin I told him he could have it if he could get it to the van. Knowing my son, this meant he would figure out a way. He then asked my nephew, who is a father and was helping another cousin with a large pumpkin, to help him. My nephew teased him basically saying he wouldn’t. This caused my son to have a fit, and tip over the wheelbarrow holding a large pumpkin. I know this is completely wrong behavior. However, he doesn’t like to be embarrassed and he really was just asking for help. We are trying to work on him handling these emotions, but we are new to this. Any way, another guest witnessed this and stated to my brother-in-law that my son “should be beat” I know he meant spanking, but I am still so bothered by this. As the “10 Things People Say…” article says, spanking will not help this situation. I am so bothered by this, that today I would like to send him a private message telling him that his comment is very hurtful. Obviously, we have tried every punishment imaginable spanking, timeouts, removing privileges. None of this has worked and has only made his ODD worse. We only started meds in April, and we are working on him gaining confidence and trust that he is not a BAD kid. We have made huge improvements and we know we have a long way to go. So, how do I reach out to this friend to educate him? Or, do I chalk it up to being un-educated and move on? I’m tired of feeling like I can’t go anywhere, because these comments are always made… It hurts.

  • #64607

    ADHDmomma
    Keymaster

    I had to develop a thicker skin and remind myself that their ignorance isn’t my problem. My focus, instead, is on my son’s needs in those moments. Of course, I want to educate others — but I’ve found they’re usually not open to seeing things any other way. And, your parenting really isn’t any of their business.

    Let’s focus on the emotional regulation and frustration tolerance aspect of this incident. Here’s some detailed info on the how and why of intense emotions with ADHD:

    Exaggerated Emotions: How and Why ADHD Triggers Intense Feelings

    and teaching healthy emotional control:

    Free Parenting Resource: Manage Your Child’s Anger

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • #64619

    jhasselt
    Participant

    Thank you Penny! I appreciate your insight. How did you develop a thicker skin? I feel very sensitive that I’m perceived as an ineffective parent, so I’m not sure how to work on “thicker skin” 🙂 How did you go about that? What was your thought process, etc?

  • #64707

    ADHDmomma
    Keymaster

    It was super hard for me because I have significant social anxiety and my brain already over-worries about what people think of me.

    Once I recognized that people don’t know our story, and practiced staying mindful of that, I did a lot better. I know I’m a good parent and I’m doing the right thing in those meltdown moments (which isn’t punishing or even rationalizing). If the people around me knew our story, they’d know that too. They’re judging with the information they have, and they simply don’t have the information needed to judge appropriately.

    It takes practice and time, but you’ll get there. It’s like building up an armor one layer at a time.

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • #64708

    ADHDmomma
    Keymaster

    It was super hard for me because I have significant social anxiety and my brain already over-worries about what people think of me.

    Once I recognized that people don’t know our story, and practiced staying mindful of that, I did a lot better. I know I’m a good parent and I’m doing the right thing in those meltdown moments (which isn’t punishing or even rationalizing). If the people around me knew our story, they’d know that too. They’re judging with the information they have, and they simply don’t have the information needed to judge appropriately.

    It takes practice and time, but you’ll get there. It’s like building up an armor one layer at a time.

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

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