How to advocate for needs WITHOUT pursuing?

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    • #124133

      Among the various advice I’ve received from various sources I’ve been told both NOT to pursue my ADD husband AND also to advocate for my need for attention, affection, connection, intimacy, etc.

      So how the h-e-double-hockey-sticks do I do BOTH of these?!

      We haven’t been on a date since our anniversary in April, he hasn’t responded to any of my text messages in a week, he comes home and goes on the front patio to smoke (my asthma can’t handle the smoke so I spend the evening in the back yard), then comes in to eat dinner in front of the TV before going back outside to smoke again. When I go up to bed he’s STILL outside smoking or watching YouTube videos. And he doesn’t sleep in the bed with me because he can’t stand the “song and dance” of making an effort to fall asleep (and prefers to fall asleep in front of the TV or computer).

      We’ve been seeing a ADD therapist for almost a year now and I’ve seen the research he follows about patients NOT following-through with meds if they don’t initiate it, but I’m losing all hope of getting our relationship back to a place where I feel loved and like I have a best friend, rather than feeling neglected and like I have a roommate. I can feel our marriage dying but I can’t do ANYTHING about it because if I did that would be PURSUING.

      On top of it all, we divided our finances (because I can’t handle him neglecting the account and spending money we don’t have) and since I’m paying for both the credit cards on top of my school loans I can’t afford the ADD therapist…AND I feel too guilty having him pay when he feels “put-upon” to go!

      So…I’m not going to the therapy anymore. If I can’t afford it I don’t feel comfortable making him pay, especially when he acts annoyed by having to go.

      But where does that leave our dying roommate marriage?

    • #124406

      ADHD is not an excuse to be a D*ck. I’ve been in his mood before, where you just want to be alone and end up pushing loved ones away. Having space is okay, but to completely neglect someone who loves you is not. You need to bring this up to him, explain that you understand that he doesn’t feel okay at times, and sometimes he needs his space, BUT you have needs too. You’re putting in a lot of effort to understand and work with his disorder, he needs to do his part as well.

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