August 28, 2020 at 6:34 pm #182732smaxwell1104Participant
I am a new member to the forum, and I have a 12 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive type, as well as likely ASD/Aspergers. Her symptoms were first noted near the end of her third grade year but a formal diagnosis wasn’t gained until she was near the end of her 5th grade year. She has always managed to maintain high grades in school so for a long time we were fooled into thinking maybe it was more of an Aspergers or just a flat out behavioral issue. As she has gotten older, though, and her work has become bigger and with more expectations of self management, she has struggled more and required much more assistance and oversight from me and my husband to maintain her grades, which has led to more and more tension between her and us.
Fast forward to now, she is in 7th grade learning remotely, which puts the responsibility of ensuring she attends class and completes her work on her father and I. She does not want to do her schoolwork, and because we both work full time, she often spends her day doing her own thing, missing class time and not completing her assignments until I finish work and sit down to push her through them. She now feels like her dad and I are OBSESSED with her schoolwork and she is completely resistant, so every night there’s a fight.
She has started to experience bouts of anxiety and I have finally realized how much she is struggling and overwhelmed. We are taking steps with a counselor and are seeking a pyschiatrist to help us look into meds to help her regulate. I’m trying to maintain compassion and understanding of her struggles and work with her as gently as possible. But she’s so resistant and shuts down so fast and I don’t know how to overcome years of too much pressure, hovering, nagging, etc.
How do you get things started when you finally recognize the mistakes you’ve made and have a clear understanding of what they need? How do I strike that balance between support and nurturing and compassion and the discipline needed to meet her responsibilities? I am so torn up about this and it’s affecting our family. Any advice is welcome!
August 31, 2020 at 11:11 am #182854Penny WilliamsKeymaster
My son has had school avoidance and refusal for 7 years. It’s monumentally difficult. And online school is twice as challenging for kids with executive functioning struggles than in-person school.
The avoidance and refusal directly correlates to some challenge or difficulty, or to anxiety. There’s always a reason for it and it isn’t laziness, because kids do well when they can. They want to meet expectations and please others.
I would ask the school to do a formal evaluation and see if she qualifies for an IEP and more help from the school.
Also, if you can, hire a tutor to work with her on schoolwork so you can remove yourselves from the middle of that. It would help tremendously and prevent further damage to your relationship.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach, Podcaster & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
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