how do I talk to my undiagnosed husband about his self medicating?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Treating Your ADHD how do I talk to my undiagnosed husband about his self medicating?

Viewing 6 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #47735
      magicleap
      Participant

      Married for 5, been together over a decade. I have always chalked up history quirks to being anti-socia and introverted and possibly just plain spoiled. I now feel like it is ADHD, as he’s had these substance usage for years. Smoking nicotine since HS. I met him in his mid twenties and he was a smoker. At some point he quit, and I liked his personality better though he still displayed a lot of the quirks he did seem calmer, less easily agitated. Then he started marijuana which was something I knew he did before. He worked on his own business for a while and when he did that he managed to not smoke any nicotine. Now he’s at a regular 9-5 and he’s smoking nictoine again (e-cigs), and also cannabis oil. I notice he’s much better, sweeter to me if he’s smoking marijuana leaf. He’s relaxed and happy. But if not his focus is elsewhere. Anyway – yea – I hate feeling ignored and unimportant to him. I wish he’d be sweet on me the same way he is to our dogs and toddler, I often feel taken for granted. I see how all these substances, alcohol is in there too, affect him in different ways and I don’t know what to make of any of it! I mean these are daily regular habits. At what point is it considered abuse and concerning? If he’s functioning and getting “life” done – is it an issue or not? I guess I just don’t know what to do because I’m worried about how long he’ll be able to hide his subsntace use from our child. I don’t what that to influence our child to use too. And I don’t know who he is sometimes..

    • #47742
      magicleap
      Participant

      Sorry – I typed that on my phone, and as I re-read it, I make it sound like his substance usage leads me to believe he has ADHD. His quirks lead me to believe he has ADHD, and that he is using multiple substances to cope/function. He is the inattentive type – he can walk in the house and not acknowledge me, though he’ll acknowledge the dog and over acknowledge our child – but he might just assume I’m in the house, never to check or say “Hello.” He is forgetful, he dislikes specific tasks such as anything requiring talking on the phone or making appointments. He’s definitely a procrastinator. He is constantly “taking breaks,” or running off to the home improvement store. He’s got various hobbies he likes to put a lot of focus on, and often loses track of time. He doesn’t like to read books, only short articles, reading books seem to take too much time, perhaps? Traveling seems to give him anxiety even though he seems to enjoy it, but not, but does … He has difficulty seeing things from someone else’s perspective, mis-remembers conversations/events, and misinterprets someone’s thoughts/feelings – often stating something like “All of this drama just because I ____” as if to trivialize the other person’s thoughts/feelings, this is especially the case if thoughts/feelings involve “him making the person feel” a certain way – he won’t take any responsibility for causing a situation.

      Anyway, all of that leads me to believe he has undiagnosed ADHD, and that he’s been using various substances to help him function. Have others been through this, substance usage “merry-go-round?”

      • #48107
        lornagillians
        Participant

        Magicleap, I am so sorry for your distress. I can certainly relate to it. Please read the comments I have left below, regardng my current manfriend and my family. All I can say is, I do believe it must be hell for these people who feel like a square peg in a round hole, and have to try to fit in and live with their mental health conditions. I never understood where my husband was coming from, because he was never diagnosed with the Aspergers (it wasn’t really heard of when he was younger), but it is quite clear to me now, reading about it, that he does have it – and a subsequent girlfriend, after we separated, diagnosed him. She was an ex-teacher. If I had known before, maybe I could have made more allowances for him. He was very much a “loner” and spent hours and hours in his shed, doing goodness knows what, and walking alone. He had already spent years and years re-building and modernizing our old cottage, keeping the cars going, as well as having a really demanding, high-powered job as a consulting engineer, working abroad a lot. An amazing man!! And an excellent husband in many, many respects. There will never be another man like him, for me. But not much of a lover!! – I lived in an emotional wilderness all our married life – hardly any intimacy. He showed his love in other ways – working hard and supporting his family – and he would have died for them, I know. I now seem to have ended up with another one who has ADHD. I can sure pick them!! That all being said, what to do with your man? It appears that you DO love him and want to make a go of it. I can only say something I learnt recently, which helps a lot – “Q-TIP” – “Quit Taking it Personally”. It is NOT personal to you – it is the condition that makes him like he is. Try not to be so sensitive to his moods, etc. Let it ride over you – rise above it. Keep calm. Walk away. Look up “BeIrrisistable” on the web for insights into relationships with men – very helpful. Try to make a life of your own (with him in it as well, of course!), but get some hobbies, get some girlfriends, get out and do things for yourself on your own – away from him and the children. FOR YOUR SANITY. You need to keep things in perspective and keep strong for the sake of the family. If the cannabis helps him, maybe that is the answer for him. I believe it is sometimes prescribed as medication – I don’t know. You’d have to look it up. By all means, try to get him to go to counselling, as Suzy says. You may well find that better communication will help enormously. I just regret, now, that I did not try to communicate more with my ex-husband. But his response to my suggestion of counselling was “Why do we need to bother with that if we are breaking up?”. Stalemate!!
        I wish you all the very best. Keep strong, and keep smiling – a sense of humour definitely helps!! And forums like this are invaluable. Love and hugs! Lorna

    • #47849
      Suzy
      Participant

      A lot of people with ADHD self medicate, whether it be alcohol, weed, opiates, uppers or any other drugs you can think of. I have ADHD and I’ve done a lot of these things just to shut my brain down. I can’t speak for your husband but I can tell you about me. Most people with ADD/ADHD also have other issues, which is called comorbidity. This just means that there are simultaneously 2 or more chronic diseases or issues. With me I have ADHD, anxiety and am highly sensitive. The first two are somewhat self explanatory but being highly sensitive isn’t something people easily understand. When you grow up with ADHD, especially undiagnosed, which was and still is quite common with girls, it’s very rough not knowing why you’re so different from the other kids and your parents don’t know why you act the way you do so they use discipline to “fix” you. Teachers do the same thing. So picture this: you have trouble getting to sleep at night because your mind is going a mile a minute and never, ever stops. Morning comes and you can’t get out of bed because you feel like you just ran a 5k but your mom is getting really ticked off because she feels you shouldn’t have stayed up so late. Now you have to find something to wear in your very unorganized room, find your books, realize you totally forgot to do your homework so you stop looking for clothes and start doing the homework and here comes your mom again wanting to know why you’re not dressed and then gets mad because she now knows you didn’t do your homework.So now I’m grounded and told my room must be cleaned when I get home.
      Now I have to go to school looking disheveled, feeling hungry and full of anxiety because the kids will make fun of me,the teacher isn’t happy I didn’t do my homework and doubles it, or worse she makes me stay inside for recess and now I can’t get rid of some of the constant energy I have so I end up fidgeting which causes the teacher to yell at me in front of the class and calls my mom. One. Big. Circle. A circle I have no idea how to get out of because I don’t have the tools to do so. Can you imagine what your sel-esteem would be like if your day consisted of having a wandering mind that goes from one topic to the next, constantly forgetting things, not understanding how to organize or keep things organized and in general feeling like you can’t do anything right and often saying the wrong thing that can hurt people’s feelings but it wasn’t your intention at all. These are all things we must learn while the rest of you already naturally know these things.

      Now I’m an adult. I have a lot of anxiety which stems from years of feeling different and never quite having your shit together. But more important is being highly sensitive. When I walk in to a room I can tell how people are feeling by little mannerisms most people wouldn’t notice. Joe has a smile on his face while saying hello but there are little signs that tell me he’s annoyed with something and I wonder if it’s something I did or said. Sarah is getting coffee and her back is to me but I can feel a deep sadness in her. I take on people’s emotions and it can be draining on top of the ADHD. I want to help people so they don’t have those feelings.
      Now we’re back to your husband. I’m not in any way, shape or form a professional I’m just giving you my opinions and my own experiences. I’m guessing your husband is feeling your confusion, frustration, anger, hurt and dissapointment. He also probably knows you feel abandoned but he doesn’t think he’s good enough for you and doesn’t want to disappoint you even more, or it’s possible that he knows you don’t like some of the things he’s doing but its a catch 22 for him because without being a little relaxed he’s anxious and probably thinking you don’t like him the way he is whether it’s true or not.
      I don’t know if your husband has ADD/ADHD or not. Only a trained psychiatrist can do the testing. If he. Does have it there are meds he could try but what I’ve found out is seeing an ADD coach worked way better than antidepressants, anxiety meds or ADHD meds but everyone is different. What he can’t do is ignore what’s happening and self medicating. ADD can be hereditary so you might want to have the kids tested if your husband is diagnosed with it.
      Last,learn how to communicate with each other by seeing a counselor together. You’ll be surprised at the difference in your marriage.

      • #48869
        magicleap
        Participant

        Lornagillians, I appreciate your response. I’m not oppose to substances but I feel like he is so different. When he’s on nicotine it’s almost as if there’s no emotions. He talks and functions and goes to work, but there doesn’t seem to be any feeling with exception towards our daughter – sometimes I feel the love, but it’s as he if he focuses only on her. When he quit a long time ago I was surprised to see someone new. I mean sure he was an ass for the first week after but then he was just different. Then he switched to marijuana – it was obvious he needed something. But the marijuana, though it made him spacey, also made him seem happy and generally calm. All of this was before our daughter. Then when he’s required to hold down a job he goes back to nicotine. After our daughter things seemed okay, then he had started a new job and at some point got sick and stopped smoking marijuana and went back to smoking e-cigs. I could tell something was going on. I convinced him to start the marijuana again but the e-cigs are still in the picture.

        I try not to take it personally – though sometimes it’s hard to watch how capable he is of connecting with our daughter but not me. The hardest is when I try to assert myself and do things for me – he tries to make me feel guilty or actively control. As if I have to ask him for permission. It hurts me that he doesn’t respect me enough to trust my judgement or understand my autonomy. I know he needs it too and I never call him out I every time he disappears so he can sit on the computer and smoke and just be away from us. Because I am Understanding. And yet if I want to go do something with friends there are times he gets angry about it. Other times I go and he doesn’t seem angry but I came home and I feel the coldness and distance. I don’t want to do things without him – I’d rather go to a concert or hiking or a movie with him. But he just can’t do any of those things. I do t know how to talk to him anymore…

      • #48871
        magicleap
        Participant

        Suzy, I find your response enlightening. I can see the hypersensitive. But what I don’t understand is why sometimes instead of love and nurture I just get anger impatience and frustration. I’m a good wife and mother. I work from home and take care of our child and make a home cooked meal every other day. I prepare his coffee in the morning, I do all the laundry and dishes, and I make appts for him and schedule home repairs. Literally I don’t think there is anywhere I slack. I a. Loving, I touch gently, give hugs, smiles, kisses, and am always sexually available. Probably even more sexually frustrates on my end. I just do t understand – I am uplifting. Where as he is critical judge mental and negative. Where I might be lost in thought remembering a first date, he is lost in thought as to why I didn’t drive a different route with less traffic. I am honestly just so lost as to what to think do or sa – I no longer know who I am.
        I wish he could talk to me and tell me his feelings. Instead it’s just silence on his end and he might explode if you force a convi about feelings. Don’t bother if he hasn’t had a joint.
        How do I say- I think you have an underlying issue that you use these substances for. Caffeine, nicotine, marijuana and alcohol. I don’t want him to feel attacked. I don’t even treat him like there’s something wrong with him but in turn he acts like there’s something wrong with me. I feel scared and like I’m walking on eggshells.of course he says that about me…

      • #48875
        lornagillians
        Participant

        Magicleap,
        Sweetheart – I can really, really relate to your two comments here to me and Suzy. It could be word-for-word what I have experienced with my man.
        Firstly – I just want to give you a great big hug!!! You must be living in some kind of hell. You deserve a medal for being so patient. Give yourself a huge pat on the back.
        All that you say absolutely relates to what I have been going through with my man, which I could make NO sense of until now. (Thank God for Suzy enlightening us!!) But because we don’t live together, live long-distance and see each other rarely, it has not impacted on my life in the same way as it has with you, except that I worry about him constantly and wonder what he is up to – at least you know that. He certainly displays all the anger, frustration, emotional turmoil, sensitivity, etc. He is also very impulsive. Gets very anxious. And “switches off” at times. Add into that even cruelty. He seems to like to text and email cruel things when he is drunk, teasing me about other women to make me jealous. “Winding me up”, he says, and thinks it’s funny, and about punishing me when I am naughty – spanking me – so that I will learn not to do those things again. Although not now, he obviously realizes it is wrong. Thinking about that now, that may stem back to his own childhood – I guess when one is drunk all sorts of thoughts get tangled up and come out. I think he may have suffered badly as a child – his mother is very strong and domineering, and he was sent away to boarding school. I wonder now if his parents couldn’t cope with him and thought that would manage his ADHD – although I doubt if they knew what it was. He is now 64, and it wasn’t really heard of then. He hated it there, and blames his mother now – he is really angry about that, too. He showed me his exercise books, which are full of red marks and comments. Poor love, it must have been hell for him – no wonder he is so angry with the world. However he did somehow manage to go to Uni and become a lawyer, although he later got into debt, became bankrupt, had a nervous breakdown and was struck off. I think life must have been really, really difficult for him. A lot was expected of him, coming from a wealthy family. But he says he is a survivor. He is in debt again, now. He just can’t seem to manage his life. Always remember, in all of this that these people must be in a living hell most of the time, themselves. I understand that they have to create a false persona in order to be accepted amongst “normal” people, as they can’t make sense of the “rules” as we can. They need to watch carefully and copy what they see others doing – like a chameleon. Certainly my man does seem to do that, he often asks me if that was “OK”, and asks advice. And he also tells loads of lies to get by – he must have learnt to do that as a child, so now it is second-nature. He is “Mr. Nice Guy” outside of the home. No-one knows what a night-mare he is.
        According to what Suzy has said on here, and the more I read about it, I think we are BOTH dealing with men who have undiagnosed Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I would say it is imperative that you get this diagnosed, and get some help, for all your sakes. You must try to, somehow or other, talk to him about it. Not easy, I know, you will have to pick your moment. Don’t do it in anger, you’ll get nowhere. Maybe show him this forum. But I know how that might go down like a lead balloon. Maybe you could run off some of the articles on the ADDitude website to discuss with him. Has he no family members who would help talk to him? His mother must know how he is and probably was as a child. His sister or brother? His grandparents? An Aunt or Uncle, or trusted family friend? You DO need help, Sweetie. IT IS NOT YOU, BELIEVE THAT, PLEASE. Never think that, please. HE is the one with the problem. BUT, over time it WILL impact on you and your child.
        He WILL try to “project” his problem onto you. This is a psychiatric terminology – “Projection” – look it up. He will not accept his anger and problems and reflect them back onto you, to try to get rid of them off of himself. My man does exactly that all the time. Blaming me. Even telling me that I have a mental health issue. Then I wonder if he is right!! I certainly FEEL crazy, at times. It is hard to understand. Also look up the “Drama Triangle” (Victim/Rescuer/Persecutor), which is interesting. How we are all on the triangle and keep on moving through it. At the moment you are Victim and he is Persecutor, but also Victim of his problems. Maybe you need to stop being Victim and become Rescuer. But never be Persecutor.
        I don’t know what to suggest. There are medications. But, from what I read, they may not be suitable, or several may need to be tried out. I wonder if it is the E-Cigarette that is causing problems? Goodness knows what is in them, chemically. I am certainly super-sensitive to foodstuffs and chemicals – can cause migraines, digestive problems, etc. With a super-sensitive brain, maybe that is the wrong thing for him, too. It seems that the joints of marijuana are your best option at the moment – but I expect he does not want to take that when he is working. What about the nicotine spray or chewing gum? What about extra vitamins and minerals to aid the neuro-transmitters in the brain; herbal remedies (St. John’s Wort has been recently licensed) and maybe essential oils for massage and to aid sleep, acupuncture, hypnosis – look it up. Certain foods are beneficial, too – (brain foods). Try to buy organic, if you can afford it. And avoid junk food and sugar. You could try an elimination diet, if he is willing.
        BUT, YOU MUST TALK TO HIM. Keeping it all bottled up is not going to work – you know that. You HAVE to take the bull by the horns and just go for it. I have read on the “BeIrrisistible” site that that is the best way forward for “normal” relationship problems, to speak your truth, and to reach out to your partner to connect with them, and I am sure it is right. Men can’t take in hints, sarcasm and inuendos. They need to have it spelt out to them IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Yes, it’s scary, but you can’t go on as you are. I think he will feel calmer, too, if he can get it out of his system, and feel understood. Maybe he doesn’t know what is going on inside of his head. He will also be feeling shame and remorse at how he is. And anger – like a raging bull. Our psyche has a huge bearing on how we feel and how we cope with those feelings, also our physical well-being. Understanding and acceptance has a very calming effect.
        My man has said to me in the past that I have to be firm with him, and stronger, so that is interesting. Maybe they NEED boundaries in place, so that they know where they stand. The same as children. He seems very child-like to me – which I did not understand before. If they do not understand the social “norms” and boundaries as we do, and live in a constant whirlpool of mis-understandings and emotions, maybe that is the answer. Maybe you could even draw up a “contract” of “rules, boundaries and expectations” (in a fun way), so that he knows exactly where he stands, and not wallowing around in uncertainty. Certainly, children need these boundaries in order to be able to function properly and develop normally – knowing exactly what is expected of them. It may help him feel more secure, in control and calmer. It is just a suggestion, based on what I have experienced. Also I understand “Mindfulness” and meditation help to stay focused and in the moment. Exercise is also meant to be good. Maybe get a bicycle or running shoes. Does he enjoy gardening? Growing vegetables? Many men get a real kick from this (the hunter/gatherer instinct – makes them feel good!!). Getting out in the fresh air is always beneficial. Suzy has suggested that counselling has helped a lot for her. You maybe need to go together.
        I think you will HAVE to be firmer with him. Stand up for yourself in a kind, caring, loving way. Just TELL him that you will no longer tolerate the situation, and that is how it is going to be – and duck the resulting flack!! Don’t argue – just TELL him, carefully and calmly. And get him to repeat back what you have said, so that you know it has gone in and he has understood. (Look up Imago Dialogue). I think he will appreciate that. Slowly, I think he will come to see that YOU ARE HIS STRENGTH. HIS ROCK. He NEEDS your strength in order to find his own and to be able to survive in what must be a really, really scary world for him – especially now he has a child, as well – that is scary for most men. And that is hard for us to understand, as women, because we want a strong, competent man who can take care of US. BUT I think, from my experience, we have to realize that that is not going to happen!!! I know my man leans VERY heavily on his (female) next door neighbour. He treats her like a mother figure, calls her his “Rock”, his best friend, and goes to her for advice regarding me. I found this really, really annoying, but it actually makes sense now that I understand how his brain works. Of course, she doesn’t help, because she says spiteful things about me, and tells me and him lies, in order to get rid of me – then he doesn’t know what to believe. He once said, angrily, “You two are doing my head in”. He just wanted to run away – couldn’t make sense of it all. I think they need a calm, relaxed, care-free atmosphere – rather like children. They actually hate conflict. They are actually very child-like. If we love them and still want them in our lives, we have to step up and be the strong one in the relationship. BUT – never forget that men, generally, DO need to be honoured and respected, above all else. They take criticism very badly. They need to know that they are our HEROES. So try to get some of that across. In whatever way – even the smallest thing. Boost him up. Let him know that he is wonderful, that you DO need him, you DO appreciate what he does, and you DO understand how he feels. I think you will see an improvement. BUT YOU MUST TALK TO HIM. You can’t not do that. You need to tackle it and work on it together – be a strong team. You have the rest of your life to live and you can’t go on living it like you are. I think you know that. BE STRONG. Put your big-girl panties on and deal with it. “Fel the Fear and Do It Anyway”. Maybe even go along to your doctor on your own for advice – for yourself, too. I don’t know if it is the same where you are, but here in England, we can now access mental-health care and counselling over the phone and on the internet. Look into what is available before you tackle him. Forearmed is forewarned, and knowledge is power. GOOD LUCK. I am rooting for you. You can do it. Keep strong. Love and hugs, Lorna xx

    • #47866
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      Substance abuse is common in those with ADHD, often resulting from self-medicating:

      ADHD and Addiction: The Truth About Substance Abuse

      If he needs the substances to get through the day, it’s probably time to start considering addiction and how to address it.

      A diagnosis could come as a relief to him too:
      https://www.additudemag.com/category/understand-conditions/adhd-in-adults/diagnosis-add/.

      Of course, until he wants to change, nothing you do will instigate change.

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

      • #48105
        lornagillians
        Participant

        Suzy, Thank you so much for your input here to Magicleap. It is very insightful, and helpful. I, too, am wondering if my “partner” of five years has the same problem. He certainly seems to be “different”, but it is his difference that I liked in the beginning. I relate to that, as I have always been somewhat different in my family. I am artistic, sensitive, empathetic and don’t run with the herd, am a bit of a rebel. I enjoy being different – I can never understand why people confo rm to other people and do not use ther own brain and intuition to have their own unique thoughts and opinions. However, what really worries me about him is that he has a huge drink problem, and smokes cigarettes, although he never does when I go to stay with him. That presents it’s own problems, of course, because he then withdraws and gets ratty and angry and usually picks a fight over nothing and throws me out after about 3 days together – presumably so he can have a drink. I do love him. He is otherwise a sweet, gentle, caring man, who is eager to do anything for anyone – too much, sometimes, I think. We don’t see much of each other, as we are over 3 hours drive apart, which suits him fine, but I worry about him and am trying really hard to get him to either cut down or stop the drinking, which I am afraid will kill him. He is 64 and I am 68. I have read loads of stuff on alcoholism and psychology, and really think this may be the missing piece to the puzzle. I know he will not change unless he wants to, but having said that, it is not easy, by any means, to change without an enorous amount of outside help, which he does not want. He says he DOES want to give up the booze, and live a normal life, but I can see that he uses it as medication to ease his problems. He gets very lonely, has no money, has no real friends (apart from his female neighbour who comes around to drink with him) and gets very depressed – although booze makes this worse, in fact. Suzy, do you think it would help if I suggested that ADHD may be the problem – or will he get angry? He does already know he has Anxiety and OCD. Could counselling for ADHD help, in your opinion? He may not need to drink so much if he can cope with his symptoms with therapy. I’d really like your opinion, please. Lorna

      • #48110
        Suzy
        Participant

        Penny that’s very true, we do tend to self-medicate. I think the biggest issue is the lack of research with ADD/ADHD. There are many who don’t believe it even exists. The best they have are meds that have the opposite effect on some of us or wreak havoc for people like me who have high anxiety. My husband actually told me I’m more impulsive when taking it.

      • #48108
        lornagillians
        Participant

        Suzy, I’ve just re-read your comments. Rejoice in the fact that you are different!! We are ALL different, you know. Not one of us is anything like another – and that is what is so beautiful. We are all unique and wonderful in our own way. I, too, am very sensitive. I believe I can “see” into people’s souls. You are the first person who has said that, and I can relate to it. Thank you. I have often thought I was imagining it. But, as you say, I can walk into a room and sense the atmosphere. I can tell from someone’s body language how they are feeling – or from their eyes. I almost KNOW what they are thinking – unless they are a very guarded person and keep a wall up. I have great empathy with animals, too. But isn’t that a wonderful, very special gift to have? Can you not make use of it in some way. Do some counselling, maybe. You have certainly reached out to others on this forum, and I am sure your advice will be of huge benefit. Many, many thanks, once again. Best wishes. Lorna

      • #48109
        Suzy
        Participant

        Thank you for your kind words. Please keep in mind that I’m not a professional counselor and my comments were simply from my perspective of having ADHD and being in a family of 7 kids who also have some form of it.

        As for your husband’s drinking, there is no middle ground. He needs to quit. He can’t have an occasional drink because a drink or two turns in to many more. However, he has to want to quit.

        My suggestion to you is is to go to an Al Anon meeting. It’s meant for people who are close to someone with a substance abuse issue (alcohol too) and helps you understand the disease and it helps to talk with others in the same boat. Here’s a national directory of meeting places: http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting

        Please feel free to send me an email if you need someone to talk to. (Suzanne.Meyers87@gmail.com)

      • #48111
        Suzy
        Participant

        Lorna, it can be a gift to be highly sensitive but when you take on negative feelings it’s draining. It did help with my job as a case worker for seniors but the burnout got the best of me at 14 years.
        As for animals…that is so different. I love them all and they gravitate to me as much as I do to them. <3

      • #48431
        lornagillians
        Participant

        Hi Suzy – thank you so much. I have sent you an email, but not sure if I have got the address right. Are the S and M capital letters or lower-case? Lorna

      • #48872
        magicleap
        Participant

        But how do I tell him – your using substances to cope, you need to figure out what for…

    • #48098
      Peggyrey
      Participant

      My husband’s affair was 3 years ago. He subscribed to those hookup sites, knowing he was going to cheat. He had been talking to her for months before I caught on; and when I confronted him he lied. He even took a phone call from her during our daughter’s graduation! He had to step out of the open house to talk to his mistress come to find out! I figured it all out when a friend told me about a genuine hacker whom had helped her through the kinda stuff i was going through, he helped me hack into his phone. I had found out her name, address, social media info, everything…there was no denying it, but he sure tried! He lied over and no matter what, i got the truth.

    • #48106
      lornagillians
      Participant

      PS – My ex-husband (74) has, I believe, Aspergers Syndrome, difficult to live with, and my middle daughter (36) seems to have it, too. Although she gets very, very angry, is over-sensitive to any sort of criticism and gets very anxious. Maybe she has ADHD, too? But she is not disorganized, and is good with money. She is a high-flying lawyer and under a lot of stress at work. She is not speaking to me now (for over 18 months) because I suggested that she may be like her father, with the Aspergers. My eldest daughter, who is 42, also has mental health problems. Since the birth of her children, she is very unstable mentally. She was diagnosed as Bi-Polar, but refused medication. She, also is not speaking to me now. She gets very angry, anxious and defensive. She is an Architect. Her husband seems to be on the Autism spectrum, too – he is very controlling and uncommunicative. He was a Naval Officer at sea, now taken a shore job. All this is very trying, but at least I can relate to others’ problems. The only “normal” one is my youngest daughter (33) who is a teacher. But she, too, gets very anxious and over-wrought. Their Grandmother on their father’s side was a very difficult woman, and her father committed suicide, many years ago – although it may have been due to the effects of the war. It seems to run in families. Lorna

      • #48870
        magicleap
        Participant

        Your daughter who did not feel well after children – she should check her thyroid. There are many women who are misdiagnosed with depression or bipolar when they actually have a thyroid disease. Even IF they’ve checked and said her levels are normal! She may not be optimal. They may have only checked TSH and not free t4 and free T3 or have run antibodies tests. I had this happen. After the birth of my daughter I had the worst anxiety – I was irritable and angry and knew this was not like me. Sure enough I insisted on an antibodies test and discovered I had hashimotos. With treatment the symptoms go away – anxiety anger etc.btw it’s not uncommon to also find those with ADHD or autism spectrum to have the MTHFR gene mutation. This is a problem with your body’s ability to methylated – specifically difficulty absorbing key nutrients like B vitamins which are necessary for proper functioning.There are connections to changing diets and using active B vitamins and finding a change in autism symptoms.. google about it, you may find it quite interesting.

      • #48891
        Penny Williams
        Keymaster

        Yes! MTHFR genetic polymorphisms can cause depression, anxiety, and a long list of other things. It is common in those with ADHD and/or autism. My son has the genetic abnormalities and has both ADHD and autism. Here’s more on MTHFR:

        MTHFR: Another Piece of the ADHD-Genetics Puzzle

        Penny
        ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #48874
      lornagillians
      Participant

      Magicleap, Thank you so much for your response here about my daughter. Yes, you may very well be right about this. BUT, since she will not talk to me now, how can I get this across to her? I went down over Easter to take a card and money for the children, but she shut the door in my face, saying “We do not want to see you”. She is not the sweet, loving girl she was – she has changed into a monster. And I feel totally powerless to be able to reach out to her. I have constantly said that my door is always open and there will always be room under my roof for her and the children. My youngest daughter does not want to be involved, and in any case, does not have a very good relationship with her sister. She does not understand her, either. They live 5 hours’ drive apart and do not see each other much. My ex-husband (the one with Aspergers) does not think there is a problem – or at least that the problem is ME, and will not intervene. I guess I just have to leave it to he Universe to sort it out eventually. But it hurts like hell, and causes me to have depression. I seem to be surrounded by people with a mental health problem of one sort or another, and makes me think maybe it is ME who is crazy!!! Lorna

Viewing 6 reply threads

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.