Hope for relationship with well managed ADHD?

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    • #189632
      xu11
      Participant

      My boyfriend who I am very serious with has all the signs/symptoms of undiagnosed ADHD and is very committed to working on it and seeking diagnosis. He already started implementing organizational strategies and we have plans to work with an ADHD coach and he is open to medication.

      Yet all the internet articles I read on ADHD and relationships are SO discouraging, with double the divorce rate, and I’m already living some of the negative effects and patterns described. It’s causing me severe anxiety and I’m wondering if I’m signing up for a life of anxiety, frustration, and hopelessness if I marry him

      My question is: how much do ADHD symptoms actually improve with treatment (medication + behavioral)? Do they improve enough to “save” a relationship; to make it 90% functional? Or are there still significant challenges? Does anyone have a successful marriage/relationships with well-managed ADHD in the mix? If so, can you chime in and give me some hope? Or if not hope…then the sober truth?

    • #189705
      StevenL
      Participant

      Keep in mind that sometimes in conversation his
      focus my drift. I tried to tell my new girlfriend about adhd and she cut me off saying she doesn’t believe in adhd. So, yeah, there’s that. Meds can and do help, but try not to be his saviour. It may just piss him off. My ex wife, shortly after my diagnose, told me things I needed to stop doing that makes me go all ADHD.

    • #189801
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      Relationships where the ADHD partner accepts and treats their ADHD have better outcomes generally. Success is possible. Check out Melissa Orlov’s books on ADHD and Marriage.

      Married with ADHD: How Real Couples Make It Work

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach, Podcaster & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #189841
      xu11
      Participant

      Thank you! very helpful to read

    • #189912
      Gazettechan
      Participant

      Appreciate you sharing this one. ♥

    • #189914
      lynneiha
      Participant

      I actually have a solid, loving relationship w/my boyfriend/common-law husband of eleven years. I am the off-the-wall ADHD person, who can’t be on time, keep a job, keep a house clean, or keep records-such as taxes. My ADHD is unmanaged at the moment, but I have had nine years, managed well w/Vyvanse, during the major part of our relationship, and only lost my meds because my psychiatrist AND my general practitioner retired two years ago. As my boyfriend would say, “It’s all been downhill since then”.
      I’ve finally found a good psychiatrist who seems willing and ready to give me my meds again. Our first real appointment is New Year’s Eve, and the prospect of finally getting again what I’ve needed for two years, is very exciting.

      Ok, honestly, I don’t know why my partner puts up with me.

      I am messy, incredibly forgetful, always late, always too loud and dropping things, lose anything and everything, and our main interests in life are very different.
      I think the biggest negative has been that ever since I stopped Vyvanse, I haven’t been able to keep a job. And, more and more, we NEED that income. But we have a very sincere and strong love: we have been through a LOT in the past eleven years.
      I don’t understand how HE can believe I am so challenged by a neurological disorder that can wreak so much havoc, when I can hardly believe it myself!
      I have high hopes for being able to search and find a job once the Vyvanse kicks in. I need that for my self-esteem, as well as our income. Even more, I need to be contributing to our relationship and to the world, in general.
      My partner certainly has his issues that are serious, and unending also, and I readily put up with that. So, I guess that, with lots of love, makes it work out.

      Things may or may not work out for you guys, but at least you have a “heads up” on what your problems may be. That’s more than a lot of couples have, as they go into partnerships with blinders on. I certainly would not rush into a committed relationship though. Your boyfriend can’t be “fixed” to be a neurotypical mate, but there is a lot of hope for him “improving” in his areas of concern.
      And of course, there are all the good things about ADHD that you can read about in the ADDitude blogs. I’m not discounting that good stuff.
      It’s simply that, in my life so far, the negatives have tended to outweigh the positives in ADHD. I guess I’m not evolved enough yet. What the heck, what’s another 60 years?

    • #190433
      Kerplunk
      Participant

      My mother has ADHD and enjoyed 51 years or marriage until my father died. So of course it can work with understanding. When I read up on ADHD , I began to realise it’s not personal. To an extent the statistic of more failures comes from a time when there was little to no understanding of what ADHD was and we were just considered “difficult”. Knowledge and medication will have improved those statistics, for sure.

      • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by Kerplunk.
    • #190548
      hayes
      Participant

      xu11

      I’m the ADD partner here, diagnosed 19 yrs ago at age 35. We’ll be married 28 yrs in 2021, so I guess that’s something no? I’d like to say that everything has been easy since my diagnosis, but that would be dishonest. For a long time, I thought that diagnosis and meds would fix this ADD thing’; what I didn’t realize was that there were other underlying things that magnified the executive functioning issues. For me, that was anxiety and paralyzing shame (with possible rejection sensitivity) – what I call the ‘mean cousins’ of ADD. This caused me to completely shut down relationally, even with my amazing wife (who is an experienced LicSW). I’ve pushed us to the brink on several occasions; it wasn’t until I was serious about clinical treatment that I was able to move forward (I’ve has an outstanding therapist for nearly 6 years now).

    • #190556
      hayes
      Participant

      That was not meant to be my whole post, and am having troubles re-posting; I will try back later…

    • #190326
      Katy Perkins
      Blocked

      The most crucial thing in any relationship is trust and respect.
      We’re people, just like neurotypicals are. Sure some things are going to be more difficult, but we’re perfectly capable of it.
      I mean, both my parents are ADHD and have been married for over 15 years. Just because our brains work a little differently doesn’t mean we can’t have relationships like anyone else.

    • #190574
      Animechx1
      Participant

      The fact tht U used the phrase, “well managed ADHD” blew my mind right away! I didn’t kno such a thing existed, really!

      I’ve been married for ovr 24yrs & I hav put my Wife & Relatives thru a lot, mostly due 2 NOT knowing wht was going on within myself, ADHD & on the spectrum. But evn aftr gettng a little help & guidance, it didn’t do anyting 4 my marriage. It’s been fairly dead 4 ovr 10yrs now…. I’ve experienced a real relationship of communication, sharing & genuine joy in their company with another Woman since. But our situations doesn’t go well with the faith I strive 2 keep since childhood. So the relationship was ended. Broke my heart. But it was the right thing 2 do. And evn in my worship I caused waves unintentionally, & still do now whn doing my best NOT 2 cause waves. .

      Meds are helpful, I guess, but not so much with me, really. I’m desperetley lonely, bored, ovrwhelmd & always sad or depressed (pandemic didn’t help any). But I hav no money or anywhere else 2 go. And I’ve concluded tht there’s no one out there 4 ME, so I’m STUCK n ths miserable life. So, I try 2 occupy myself with other worthwhile things, make new friends (a task all in itself) & be the best Husband/Father I can be & pray 4 help to get thru the day.

      As U seem 2 be accepting of your Boyfriend’s condition & efforts, and U both wrk togethr n making things wrk – I hav high hopes 4 U! Tht seems 2 be the Key – Both b willing 2 wrk together, forgiv (a LOT), communicate, share whts n your hearts (with no one else) & hav reasonable expectations, thn I imagine U will both do fine. Definitely better than me & mine, thts 4 sure. I wish the best 4 U…

    • #190793
      hayes
      Participant

      (Sorry! This was meant to be my whole post – I’m breaking it into 3 parts to see if it will post)

      xu11

      I’m the ADD partner here, diagnosed 19 yrs ago at age 35. We’ll be married 28 yrs in 2021, so I guess that’s something no? I’d like to say that everything has been easy since my diagnosis, but that would be dishonest. For a long time, I thought that diagnosis and meds would fix this ADD thing’; what I didn’t realize was that there were other underlying things that magnified the executive functioning issues. For me, that was anxiety and paralyzing shame (with possible rejection sensitivity) – what I call the ‘mean cousins’ of ADD. This caused me to completely shut down relationally, even with my amazing wife (who is an experienced LicSW). I’ve pushed us to the brink on several occasions; it wasn’t until I was serious about clinical treatment that I was able to move forward (I’ve has an outstanding therapist for nearly 6 years now).

    • #190794
      hayes
      Participant

      I’m getting really frustrated that this won’t post!

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