Helping to deter from rude behavior?

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    • #141308
      MamaRaven
      Participant

      My 6 year old son was recently diagnosed with ADHD.
      He’s a good kid, and he is really sweet, but boy can he spit some venom.

      Yesterday he was in his room, unhappy because we had a change in activity (which I can handle pretty well) and saw me across the hall dancing to keep his baby sister happy while I changed her diaper, and he told me to stop.
      I looked at him and asked him what he said just to make sure I heard it properly and he promptly responded with “None of your business”

      Naturally my first instinct was to yell, but instead I told him that he couldn’t watch the TV show he wanted because saying that to me was not a good idea, it made me feel angry and upset, and that even though he thinks a little bit differently and that’s ok, it’s not ok to talk to people that way. Naturally a meltdown ensued, but I’m trying to teach him that being mean to people isn’t going to make a situation better or help him get what he wants. I know a lot of it is because the lack of executive function, so I try not to yell because I understand most of his tics or quirks aren’t his fault but I refuse to allow him to speak that way to people.

      He did the same thing again today while speaking with a family member, where he kept cutting them off to say goodbye while they were mid sentence.

      What else can I do to try to coach him appropriately, and is taking things away going to help or hinder the ultimate goal?

      I’m so new to this, so I feel like I’m walking a fine line between coddling and disciplining.

    • #141488
      Mamamia
      Participant

      Mama, I am looking for the exact same thing myself. Like you I now feel alot is beyond his control yet for me this behaviour is getting worse and is appalling and cant go unchecked. I have tried so much. I have had a long chat with him using the explosive child book as a reference and have tried to work with him to agree some things. Ome of the ‘ consequences’ I have started is withdrawal of game time.

      • This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by Mamamia.
    • #141522
      KIM
      Participant

      My advice: Above all, stay calm and neutral (as I’m sure you have done). On the first offense, issue a warning (call it a “check” or something like that) to the child in a kind and empathetic way. Same with the second time. On the third warning, he loses 20 minutes of TV or play time. Stay neutral and calm during any meltdowns. I know this is difficult, but as someone with ADD who parents a child with ADD, my opinion is that the three-tiered approach would help him the most. You’re not increasing the shame or anguish this way (not that you would; you sound very kind), but letting him know there are consequences if the behavior continues. Sometimes it takes some of us with this problem a little while to learn to adapt without blurting out things, so losing privileges after one time of blurting something out can be defeating and cause further issues and problems. If we’re on a warning system, we have time to think about it before it happens the next time.

      Good luck!

    • #141589
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      Instead of jumping to the conclusion of rude behavior, asking him what he means by what he said or why he thinks he had that response. I promise he had zero intention of being rude or disrespectful and he very likely didn’t even realize he was or what that means. He got upset likely because he was startled by being in trouble for what he saw as seemingly no reason.

      Always ask yourself what the intention of behavior is before reacting.

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #141487
      MamaRaven
      Participant

      I appreciate the feedback. But I was looking for ways to help discipline him in a manner that doesn’t come off as blaming him for something he cannot control.

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