May 1, 2020 at 2:41 pm #170905
Hi! I’m not an officially diagnosed ADD but I’m waiting for the end of the lockdown to get tested (still a month to go…)
At the moment I’m in a serious distress, I also had self-harming thoughts and panic feeling. I just had an argument with my husband. I have problems with university and keeping up with some of my assignments, so my husband helped me breaking down the assignment to ridiculously easy and doable steps, which for some reason I still can’t follow through. Today my husband confronted me about the fact that I haven’t done any of the steps and asked me if I was procrastinating or avoiding the whole thing, and that he didn’t want to get to the day of the deadline and having to deal with my nervous breakdown again. I took that criticism very bad, and felt it as a personal attack. I decided to ignore it, but as soon as he disappeared behind the door I had a melt down. After a while he comes back i to the room because he wants to do some exercise, so I decided to start cooking, but this time I can’t hold my tears and I start having a real melt down in the kitchen. I hear his voice: “Would you mind doing that away from here, and maybe go in to the other room???”. Hurt and sad I say: “Sorry”and go in the bedroom where my meltdown gets worse. After dinner I try to have a conversation with him again, but he has a lot less patience, so I explain him how I feel, why I feel this way and what are my triggers, he just then ends the conversation by saying that he will consider what I said but he just doesn’t want to be around me at the moment. That hit me like a brick right in my face, I felt unloved, unworthy, I felt broken, messy and ignored. I feel panic, I don’t know what to do, I don’t have anybody to talk to when I’m in this state, I’m alone. Because of this lockdown I can’t just go out and met with friends. If anybody has any trick to calm down, or to just give a little comfort and understanding, I would be thankful!
May 1, 2020 at 7:40 pm #170951
Sorry to hear you’re in such distress! The lockdown is putting extra pressure on everyone. I would say to get in touch with a crisis hotline and talk to them as they will have qualified, caring people who can help connect you to resources.
Stay strong and maybe give your husband space. Hopefully he will come back around to talking. I know how difficult it can be to keep up hope, but it’s important. Your plan to see a doctor is a good one.
Stay strong and stay well!
May 4, 2020 at 12:04 pm #171050
Many, many therapists are offering teletherapy right now. While you can’t get a diagnosis yet, you can get some help with the day to day of what you’re going through. Most insurance companies in the US are covering the teletherapy too.
Read up on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It seems to fit for you and explains a lot of your hurt and maybe your husband’s perspective that you’re “too sensitive” or the like.
And look for ways to take your husband out of the equation in helping you with your tasks. You don’t want to set a parent-child dynamic between you. Is there a friend that could help you with it over facetime, for instance? Or an ADHD coach?
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
May 8, 2020 at 12:22 am #171436
I hope you’re feeling better by this time, and found a neutral party to talk to. I agree with Penny about removing your husband from the equation when it comes to helping you with university. Most universities have resources that can help and where there aren’t any emotions attached between the two parties. That way, your husband isn’t trying to help and feeling frustrated that you aren’t following through, and you hopefully won’t feel personally attacked, since it’s a neutral person helping you.
I think it’s always a good idea to remove yourself from a situation as much as possible when you’re feeling that anxious or panicky. Go for a walk, listen to music, watch something funny, something to break you out of thinking about the same things over and over and re-triggering the panic.
May 9, 2020 at 10:13 pm #171545
What you are experiencing sounds like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
May 18, 2020 at 9:00 pm #172155
Remind yourself that a medical diagnosis isn’t a silver bullet cure but more of the first steps down a path. Stay hopeful but do not put too much into a miracle fix. Try some treatments and experiments, hold to what works, try new ones…
It is wonderful that your husband has been trying to help you with university studies. Many spouses wouldn’t get so involved. Be sure to thank him for the effort and share with him that you are trying to follow his advice but other things are getting the way. He may be as frustrated ad you are, but he doesn’t experience the challenges as you are dealing with.
How much is your husband involved in your ADD/ADHD research? Does he know about the kinds of challenges you’re encountering?
May 18, 2020 at 10:34 pm #172156
I Understand the distress about homework assignments, that has always been my albatross. I loved school and would have loved to stay in, like many of my friends, and teach – Except for the homework, the papers felt like torture. Let me a share a few things that have helped me.
1. Thank your husband for his help and concern. Let him know that you do not know right now why you are avoiding this assignment, but it is not a slight against him and you appreciate his effort.
2. Realize that just because the steps are easy, it doesn’t mean it is easy for you to do them. That for me is the crux pf AD(h)D. It would be easy to do the dishes, my laundry, …. Except for me it is very hard.
3. try to take a look at you assignment form further away. Is there something emotional that you are running into? Use the detailed steps and see if there is one or two of the steps that cause dread. Can you do the other steps, even if out of order, so you can get something done?
Needing the panic of deadlines to get something done is just one of those things We do. or mist of my schooling I would wait until night before to write a paper and then just panic push through it. I needed the energy, the structure of panic(?) to slog through the pain. In this you are far, far from alone.
As for the tornado of despair from tonight, congratulate yourself for doing something REALLY positive for yourself by reaching out here. Tomorrow will be better. Go out for a walk in the sun tomorrow by yourself and just do some moving and thinking and not thinking.
You are not alone! and you have already done something powerfully right by reaching out.
May 19, 2020 at 5:51 am #172164
I feel you so much sister..
I’ve Tried a lot of tricks and found some that sometimes works when I have those dreadful moments when my chest feels like is being squeezed in a hydraulic press, the cortisol is running in my vein with the unmistakable feeling of needles and cold and I just want to cry and scream but the sound just wouldn’t come out.
The one I’m using now is to name 5 things you see, 5 things you hear and move five parta of your body, is quite good as patch intervention because it’s a sort of forced mindfulness and I can get myself to do it even when I’m deeply distressed.
The other is breathing, find some complicated breathing technique who can distract you from the pain and force your mind out of the present situation.
Another way to achieve that is by occupying it with something immersive like reading or playing a game (I think this isn’t the healthiest thing to do because is a form of escape from reality, but it works when your problem doesn’t have a solution and you need an emotional emergency patch).
It just breaks my heart how difficult it is to have a positive, healthy and supporting long-term relationship, sometimes it feels like an endless chore.
I feel too that it would be better to find someone else (I know, it’s hard) to help with organizing your work so as not to put too much stress on the relationship.
You sound like a strong, capable person I hope my tricks helps a little!
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Silverleaf.
May 19, 2020 at 6:15 am #172166
Sorry things aren’t going well. Covid and lockdown challenges are stretching the mental health system of a lot of people. Not that that fact makes it easier or better but know that you are not alone in finding the new world challenging and downright impossible. As a similarly placed waiting appointments with ADHD and the challenges that brings I completely understand how hard it is and knowing there’s potential help and being frustrated in your attempts to seek it (after what was probably a bit effort and challenge to decide to get help in the first place) is horrible.
I had my psychiatrist apt cancelled by all this and I was at breaking point knowing that I was failing at part of my job (not to mention my personal and home life). Made having to wait even harder.
Things I’ve found that have massively helped- getting Telehealth appointments with a psychologist. We’ve been working through small changes on things like sleep, exercise, having me-time that I don’t feel guilty about, accepting that “done” is better than “perfect.” It’s really helped and I recommend it massively. Not all the suggestions have helped and some I’ve had to downscale eg just aiming for 5-10 mins of exercise a day so that I get some easy wins. Setting timers has really helped my focus. 30mins of focus is easier and distractions better if I have a countdown happening. I even do this for the dishes or laundry.
I’ve really loved watching the How to ADHD YouTube videos as short, engaging and practical suggestions.
Highly recommend getting exercise. Vigorous if possible as helps a lot both from mental health perspective and from focus/ADHD symptoms.
Hope life gets better. Reach out to a phone support service in your area. And try to get a Telehealth service with a ADHD trained psychologist or coach happening. It’s not a 100% fix and it’s still really tough but it’s increased my productivity, increased my happiness and self Care time (have been actually reading and painting for the first time in years and years). Good luck and virtual hugs 🤗❤️
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