February 19, 2019 at 2:26 pm #109640nlongeneckerParticipant
I am looking for strategies you’ve found that help you & your spouse’s sex life. My husband has ADHD and our sex life is basically nonexistent. I initiate most of the time and even if he does initiate it, I end up giving more than receiving during sex and then it leaves me unsatisfied and resentful. We both deeply love each other and our marriage is good…except for this and it is kind of a big deal. And I feel like we’ve talked about it so many times, but nothing has changed. We both wait for the other to do something about it but then it just doesn’t happen. I don’t take the initiative anymore because I’m sick of having to make things happen, in this part of our life and in others plus his disinterest makes me feel like he’s not interested in me. Anyways, I’ve heard of people scheduling sex. Even though it doesn’t sound romantic, neither has to wait on the other to make the move…they know when it’s happening. I suggested that to my hubby last night. But I’m looking for other things that maybe you’ve found successful. I know meds can affect libido but this has been a problem before he was on meds. He is also 9 yrs older than me…he’s 48 yrs old…maybe that has something to do with it?
February 19, 2019 at 3:51 pm #109658Himster29Participant
I am no expert, but both my wife and I have ADHD and currently on Medication. So I will just speak about my experiences. Our sex life goes through similar ups and downs, so you are not alone. We are both in our late 30’s and have a full schedule as well. For us, the issue was there before getting on ADHD meds, so I’m inclined to think these are more personal tendencies than being related to medication. When we do have sex, it is good, but we do go through long periods without it and initiation becomes difficult after that. We are genuinely in love and desire each other, but physical intimacy is something we work hard to maintain.
Looking at your situation, I’m inclined to think there are several combinations of issues at work. I cannot advise you directly, but I urge you to consider the following possibilities. Is his ADHD properly managed, do the two of you have differences in libido, does one or both of you have an underlying sexual dysfunction, does one or both of you have an unrealistic expectation about sex?
None of these are negative, there is a solution to all of them. One approach is counseling, either couples therapy or sex-specific counselor. We have tried several methods. One of them, as you mentioned was scheduling sex, it works moderately but the making sex a chore may not be the best thing. We encourage each other to masturbate, either solo or together; the latter usually leads to sex. We also watch erotic or adult movies to get in the mood, and we both seem to love this method.
Through this process, we discovered that my wife was bisexual and she opened up to me about her prior experiences. She assumed that I would be enraged, but I actually felt sad that I didn’t see this earlier and I wanted to be supportive. After a lot of communication and experimentation, we became polyamorous. We date and have other interactions with women regularly, ranging from plutonic to intimate. Infact until recently,, we had a live-in girlfriend. This has given us multiple avenues to fulfillment and resulted in us being closer and an increase in sexual satisfaction. This isn’t without its own set of issues and never assume adding people to your union is going to fix things. Also, this is not an advocation for cheating or swinging; this method worked for us.
I hope this helps you and you find some solutions that work for you.
June 12, 2019 at 3:53 pm #119617blue_willowParticipant
I agree with Himster29 on most points. I think I may have some additional questions to ask which I really hope may help you pinpoint some other possibilities.
Are there any medications involved for depression?
A friend of mine was diagnosed with severe depression. She was given medication to help with the depression. She didn’t have the added condition of ADHD, but she did have a boyfriend who was used to them having intimate times at least once a week. On the medication, her libido vanished completely. She complained about it to me once after class, and I looked up the side effects of her medication online–she didn’t at the time realize you could do that.
We found that the most common complaint after dry mouth and nausea was…a severe lack of libido. Her medicine was FAMOUS for it.
She saw her doctor, got on a different medication for the depression, and her libido returned.
Depression itself can also cause a lack of libido, medicated or not.
During your discussions, has any shame been brought up?
My spouse and I when we were dating had an issue where he felt he wasn’t performing well enough for me to be satisfied. Turned out that caused him a lot of shame which of course affected his libido. I wasn’t responding the way he was used to–and that was due to work stresses on my end. Oops. We didn’t just talk about it–I started to try to find ways to de-stress from work and to make him feel wanted and loved in other ways. One way was just making it a point to kiss him passionately once per day. Another was to text him suggestive things. It’s hard to feel not-good-enough when your partner is clamouring to be with you.
Is it possible that this is partly a thing about feeling like he knows everything about his partner in the bedroom?
My brother used to get “meh” about sex with his long time girlfriend (later wife) due to boredom. He knew her, what she liked, he knew what she liked, and there was no discovery/no chase–no stimulus. For a while their relationship was also sexless because of the no thrill of the chase thing. He was ADHD/ODD, and ended up having multiple affairs. Some his wife didn’t know about, but I learned about later. At least one ended up in a child outside of their marriage. They ended up arguing a lot which brought some heat back to things. (I am NOT advocating conflict as an approach to better or more frequent sex–and if I did, heaven forbid, I suspect it may turn you off. You don’t strike me as the type to want conflict, from what you’ve written. 🙂 I’m also not advocating for opening your marriage if that’s not your thing.)
I know these aren’t answers–it’s just more questions–but I’m hoping if more questions are brought up, perhaps more can be discovered, then maybe a solution can be found. I seriously sympathise with your situation. Been There, Done That–more than once.
June 13, 2019 at 8:31 pm #119781Skypark962Participant
I know I sound like a broken record on here, but I’m 33 & I take testosterone 4%. Most people do not go to a true specialist & they just look at labs & say you’re “fine”–instead of symptoms. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a “drive” but testosterone affects alot. Both men & women need it.
I know how you feel, I’ve only been married 3 years, but we go through peaks & valleys. Sometimes we go awhile without it & we comment on it—especially during periods of high-stress (which you’d think you’d want to hook up then). I’ve started scheduling “date nights” on a day we’re both free & this has helped that DEPT for sure. Mentally being connected helps us get & want to be physical–we both also have trouble initiating.
I hope this helps, somewhat!
- This reply was modified 2 years ago by Skypark962.
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