May 19, 2019 at 11:34 am #116880
Hi… uhm, so I don’t actually know where else to turn. Everyone I know either doesn’t understand no matter what information I give them, doesn’t care, or is trying so desperately but it still isn’t enough. I was diagnosed adhd inattentive twice, once by a medical nurse, and then a psychologist. Now I’m seeing a psychiatrist who agrees, but is trying anti anxiety and anti depressants to rule out those two first cause let’s face it, I probably have all three…
Anywhoo, I’ve become the hassle at work. No body wants to listen when I bring up issues, or questions. And I’ve been giving the most mind numbing, soul ripping, task imaginable. I don’t know how or when I went from the favorite to basically worthless, but they cant find a single reason to fire me even if they want to.
My relationship is strained. My fiance tries so hard, but I’m too much. I am so hard to get to help around the house, I react too quickly often to the defensive, and that causes a plethora of arguements. And many others, including that for whatever reason I have basically no sex drive what so ever. Like at all. And so with all of that she feels horrible about herself because I am unable to do the actions that show her she is loved. And even though I tell her, with all my most sincere intensity, without actions she can’t really believe me…
So that’s all a bunch of personal stuff… but I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m seeing the doctors, taking the medicine, being mindful, employing all the thinking and organizational strategies, and doing everything I can possibly think of. I’m doing everything right, and doing everything I possibly can to get better. But I feel at this rate, I will lose my job somehow, as it’s becoming increasingly unbearable, and I will lose the love of my life, along with our apartment and the two vehicles we pay for together. I’m on the edge, tired, beaten, broken and hopeless. And I don’t really have anyone that gets it, because like, they don’t have adhd and know you can want all you like, but that doesn’t mean that wanting is enough to make yourself do it. I just don’t know what to do anymore…
May 20, 2019 at 8:41 am #116904
First, take a breath. You can’t change everything at once, and trying to will only make you feel like a failure.
On the treatment front, talk with the psychiatrist about the fact that your current treatment isn’t enough. Ask what the plan is to treat your ADHD. Convey how much you are struggling.
It sounds like therapy might be a good addition to your treatment plan. A therapist who understands adult ADHD can help you map out a plan for improving these areas of your life you’ve identified in your post. And couples counseling could be very helpful for your relationship.
Would your partner be willing to read this article?
At work, show them they won’t get you down by doing the job assigned the best anyone possibly could. Go the extra mile. Show them you won’t cower and you won’t break.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
May 21, 2019 at 1:20 pm #116997
My fiancee found that CBT helped him more than any drug did.
He is not on ADD meds, hasn’t been for years. Therapy may be a good option for you.
May 21, 2019 at 1:50 pm #117000
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through. I’ve been going through a kind of burnout at work off and on. I find that taking time every week to do something that is creative helps me to feel refreshed and energized better than any rest I could take. I’d definitely take a look at everything you are doing and seeing if you have too much. It seems like you have a lot on your plate and I think that many of us with ADHD feel that we have to do everything or we are some how deficient. But the truth is that no one can do everything and we often take on far more things at once than we can handle and somehow we think it’s normal and our fault when things go wrong.
As far as work, just try keeping your thoughts to yourself for a while and definitely don’t mention your ADHD there. Many people, thought they might normally be kind, view things like that as an excuse for not doing things right or to want special treatment. It’s just kind of how we’ve been taught to think. Instead try to journal (digital works best for me, I use Evernote) some of those thoughts and feelings. It may help you to see why some things would or wouldn’t work so you can sort through all of your ideas a suggestions and you can complain as much as you want and not have to worry about anyone’s feelings. If you need special accommodations at work try to find strategies that you can do by yourself such as wearing head phones to cut out distractions or making mundane work tasks into mini challenges or games in your mind. It might sound childish but it helped me keep my focus when I needed it on the task at hand but it was super boring. If others ask why you are doing something a certain way just tell them it helps you concentrate or you found it’s more efficient. They may think it’s a little quirky but unlike when you mention ADHD they won’t think you need special help, they’ll just accept it as is. Because humans are weird that way.
Also, yes, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can really help over time. It might not be helpful for everyone but it can help you to find alternative ways to get things done. Our main problem is that we live in a world that is set up to be optimal for everyone else but not for those who are neuro-divergent like us. So our best strategy is just to find out little hacks and ways to work around our differences to get the same tasks accomplished. It’s a bit unfair that we have to work harder to do some of the same things but we tend to be more awesome than most people so I think that makes up for it. lol But seriously, not only can CBT help you to find strategies that work for you but it can also help you to learn when you are being too hard on yourself because that stuff can be crippling all by itself.
May 21, 2019 at 4:33 pm #117023
Thank you all for your kind words. I think I just get overwhelmed. I’ve honestly been trying to get out of that job for a while, but it’s a money thing, as is the reason why I don’t go to therapy anymore. I can afford medication OR therapy, and therapy wasn’t working. I just don’t know anyone with adhd, and I feel like even the people who care and try (like my wonderfully patient fiance) don’t really fully get it, and can’t fully. Because I think that you can read and learn all you like, but that doesn’t make it less hard to be with someone who has adhd even if you know the reasons why. It’s hard to not get stuck thinking that things wont get better.
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