March 7, 2019 at 12:13 am #110525GrannyParticipant
My son was physically aggressive with another child at school and the parents were angry and complained to the school. The teachers, who are working hard with my son, said they told the parents they were handling the situation but it has happened again. The triggers for the aggression have been minor. Should I say something to the parents or write a note or something?
March 7, 2019 at 7:38 am #110532Spaceboy 99Participant
Not a parent, but I’d assume you’re under no moral or legal obligation to give them any consideration at all. Your child misbehaves, the teachers are handling the behaviour as best they can, and you are informed and abreast of all the developments, and working with your son to try to minimise these behaviours.
You CAN meet with the other parents and offer an apology and so on, but you could just be opening yourself up for getting an earful over something neither you nor your son can really control. Or, the other parents could be really understanding and considerate. It’s a mixed bag.
March 7, 2019 at 1:37 pm #110558FluttermindParticipant
I suppose you could consider communicating to the other parents, either through the school or directly, that you are aware of your son’s behavior issues and are working on them and that you support the school taking necessary disciplinary action, and at least reassure them that you are reasonable people who accept responsibility for the behavior problems, and NOT the “how DARE you accuse my precious angel of misbehavior!!?!” type of parents. I was at the receiving end of some bullying in grade school, and because the ringleader bully’s father was a good, reasonable guy, my mom called him directly (rather than deal with the school) and that was the end of that. If he’d been unreasonable/in denial about the bullying, it would have been better to go through the school.
Whether getting in touch with the other parents to apologize/open a line of communication is a good idea depends on whether the other parents are also reasonable, I’d think.
March 11, 2019 at 2:39 pm #110795Penny WilliamsKeymaster
I would ask the school their thoughts on this. They may want to sit down together, or may warn against it. Since they know the other student and maybe the parent, they would have the most constructive answer.
I hope the teachers are working on determining the triggers and addressing them. That’s the only way to truly impact behavior. If they haven’t yet, I’d request that they do an FBA and formulate a BIP.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
March 18, 2019 at 7:24 am #111985sylviecParticipant
has their child been talked to about triggering your son at all – they sound defensive and thus probably not very sympathetic so probably best to let the school deal with it and keep out of it, unless the school runs out of options – have you talked to them about where you son stands i.e. would he be expelled or excluded if it happens again or not – can they provide additional counselling and NLP support for reducing the reactions to triggers – that worked very well for many of the kids i counselled when a school counsellor dealing with children with all sorts of problems- and i understood their ADHD as i had it too but was able to talk to them about it in helpful ways
March 18, 2019 at 7:30 pm #112160mskennaxParticipant
Im a teacher. Notes are great. You can pass it through the teacher and the teacher can decide how much to share. We are not supposed to discuss other children with you but at after a certain point of patterns repeating it is better to be real. You can help your child write “I felt ________” notes to their teacher or their classmates that they can deliver — or not. You can keep them at home or send photos to the teacher. Its a way to process and acknowledge things when your child is feeling safe.
March 20, 2019 at 7:42 am #112298shentallfournierParticipant
Being a teacher (special Need kids) and parent of an ADHD/I Son… I would ask the teacher how he/she feels about you taking the time to talk/write to the other parents.
If I was the parent of the child being pushed, I would really like to understand and be reassured that the other parent is doing the best they can to stop that behavior. And yes, the triggers to «start» your son are REALLY an imortant issue to address with the other kids. Once they know what makes your son react, children and teens are often prone to «press» them just to add some action to their day… yeah I know…stupid!
I would speak up at a class gathering or write an email explaining ADHD and welcoming questions about it. Always CC the teacher on the emails so nothing gets out of hand.
The most important things to remember is that parents just want everything to be fair amongst the children. The consequences given to each must be fair and help resolve that problem.
Communication and comprehension can go a long way in changing behaviors and reactions to them. If you keep the communication open, it will help everybody cope and learn. After all, this will not be the last time their children meet and ADHD kid! They have to learn about it.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by shentallfournier. Reason: correct tag and add trigger sentence
May 12, 2019 at 2:41 pm #116472cipher7836Participant
Crap happens. Especially elementary age kids like my son.
He gets aggressive because he’s a kid. He doesn’t understand that dealing with a trigger shouldn’t involve violence.
So I offer him between ways to deal with things. The incentive is that it gives him power over other kids. I teach him subtlety so that he ends up looking more mature.
I highlight the benefits for him and focus on that. I briefly go over consequences but show him that it’s a win win situation for him.
The situation in your case is being dealt with. It doesn’t get “fixed” overnight. You don’t need to apologize to the parents. It makes you look like you and your kid are defective.
This is a learning moment for you, your kid, AND the other parents. You realize it’s your moment and want to make sure you do it right. That speaks volumes about how good you are as a person.
The ball os in the court of the other parents. Pray they will learn and make as good choices as you have.
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