Get back together

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    • #188502
      Cookie Tarek
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      Hello, I am a non-ADHD partner in a relationship with the most amazing human I have ever met in my life and has Adult ADHD. We started our relationship before Covid and we both reveled in each other’s company. There was a very good connection, we had similar interests, enjoyed watching Frasier together and enjoyed the benefits of having ‘Physical touch’ as our first love language. 6 months into the relationship (1 month into Covid shutdowns), we started having fights. Being a gay man who has been disowned by his family and an immigrant, my first marriage ended in divorce. My other struggles from my childhood did not make it easy for us and we had a lot of fights which were nearly always initiated by me and I went off on rage outbursts a few times. Our use of substances created a barrier for us to communicate and connect and fueled the fights to another level. Two months ago we both realised that we needed help. He was already in therapy and I started therapy with a new therapist, who referred me to a psychiatrist with a diagnosis of depression. My boyfriend and I started working on the relationship to get back to our happier, more connected days.

      The week before Thanksgiving, he broke up with me. He told me that the fights had really affected him deeply especially the things I said during those fights. My words insulted and Made him feel ashamed of himself. He also feels that this relationship is taking too much of an effort and now wants to focus on his career. He is not planning to date other people but will have sex with others (this is one of my struggles with infidelity, though at this time he is not cheating as we have broken up) . I guess I should call him my ex now.

      Since seeing my new therapist and working on some of my issues, I have made good progress in my recovery and getting back to my older self with better control of my issues and very less rage. Even my ex sees the progress I have made and is encouraged. He is very interested in getting back together in 6 months.

      He informed me early on in our relationship, that time management and organizing and remembering things were his symptoms for ADHD. After our fights, he tells me that the shame is hard for him and it is painful to be around me.
      I reasoned with him that in addition to all my issues, Covid and our unhealthy life habits affected me as I have never had such conflicts in my life before. But he fails to see it. My question is will he ever see that these external factors had an influence and magnified my issues causing me to flip out? Will he be able to over come the shame I caused (I am still apologising and explaining the reasons for each of my outburst till he is satisfied) and come back to our relationship? He wants to stay in touch and hang out but not be committed and think about it in 6 months. I suggested a one month break to think and talk about our conflicts. After the month, if he doesn’t want to commit again then I would want to not see him again at all as it would be difficult to be with someone who can’t see the big picture. And I say this because he was someone who could see the big picture and we both connected a lot in the beginning. But I can’t be around him if he is seeing other people. But we feel like we have a special bond and I don’t want to throw that away.

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