Friendships: It´s not me – it´s YOU(?)

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by  Mariade 2 days, 5 hours ago.

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  • #75754

    Mariade
    Participant

    I´m new at this forum and was diagnosed with ADD last year (I´m adult in my 30s).
    I have always had problems keeping good solid friendships and I have to ask if someone else can relate to this and maybe have some advice? Maybe someone just can relate, that would help too.
    These days I have choosen to be friendless just because it takes too much energy for me in many, many ways.
    Here are some examples why I chose to be friendless:

    – I´m not good to see/hear the unspoken, little things that are left unsaid. The friend who doesn´t respond to my texts is a very hard nut to crack. Are these hard-to-get-persons just busy or are they just avoiding me? Maybe they are simply normal and I´m too sensitive? I have tried both ask and taking a step back – zero answers were given, the friend simply disappeared even if she always said how fun she had with me. Never got what this was about.

    – The other thing is that I get frustrated alot and tend to swear too much. Never directly to a friend but to situations like too expensive coffee or ugly clothes in a shop, maybe that kind of negative talking is too much for some even if it´s mostly in a joking kind of a way.

    – I can be unflexible if I feel fear or strong discomfort. One example is that I have turned down a meetup in a friends home because she was living in a dangerous neighbourhood where rape and violence happends alot. I was going on public transportation by myself and was very honest about how I felt. She did not understand and that feeling of being not taking seriously was hard for me and was making me just feeling ashamed.

    – So called friends that only talk about themselves and never ask a single questions back. I don´t have the heart to tell them to stop, I support and listen too much thinking they will later give something in return (they didn´t). One time I was at a dinner in a restaurant with a new friend and she didn´t asked me a single question even if she didn´t knew me, she was just talk the whole evening about a date she was at. I had to escape to the bathroom several of times to cope.

    – The lovely childhoodfriends that simply hate that you changed from a child to a adult with your own mind of thinking. She was begrudging me for changing my look (losing pounds) and wanted to see the world. I moved away and she never tried to contact me. She still living in the same city and I have never heard from her again. A friend should be supportive, she wasn´t and was very condescending.

    – I tend to judge people that are living too different from me a bit too hard. “Nah, she has 4 kids, I have a dog, I can´t relate to that life and she can´t relate to mine. I don´t want to babysit her kids in the future either, better to just avoid this person all together”.

    – The problems with the energy that goes up and down, maybe I don´t want to go to that event tomorrow, better not to suggest it at all.

    – The lack of understanding when you change jobs all the time because it was too boring and unstimulating (and don´t have a new job waiting for you either). Many people put too much energy what job you have and what you do, not how you are as a person or a friend.

    – The problem with being a unsupportive friend when the friend is doing stupid life-choices like moving to the different side of the country to live with her online-boyfriend she doesn´t know.

    – The problem with being a unsupportive friend when another friend deciding to have her fifth child with a guy who is unfaithful all the time

    – The problem with being too honest and blunt “I don´t want to go to your house, I seen alot of weird people outside there and I feel scared to go there alone” and the friend doesn´t offer to meet you up

    – Being to bitter of life and complaining too much. A chronic disease and ADD it´s not easy but people tend to miss out when I actually joke about it as well. (I don´t see Woody Allen as nagging, I see him funny)

    – Being too fast in thinking and coming up with ideas “you are stressing me now, I can´t set a date when we could go to that museum”. Why are you talking about seeing it if you don´t want to set a date? I don´t get this.

    This is why friendships are hard for me.
    Tell me about what you are thinking please, I would love to read about YOUR experiences with the hard times in friendships

    Love/
    Mariade

    • This topic was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by  Mariade.
    • This topic was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by  Mariade.
  • #75776

    Ani
    Participant

    Hello Mariade,
    I think a lot of people with ADD can relate to your story. I’ve read both posts and comments talking about how bad they
    are at getting/keeping friends, and I happen to have experience in this area as well.
    We get upset, we slip up, we say exactly what we’re thinking when we don’t mean to.
    We forget things, we talk too much, we talk too little. We get distracted.
    I’m sure it isn’t only you. But it is hard sometimes when we’re expected to understand the subtleties of social life.
    Let me try and interpret some of these things…

    1. Unresponsive friend
    They might be busy, they might think they’ll reply later and then forget.
    They might ignore it because they feel like there’s nothing to reply to.
    Or what you’re scared of… they’re avoiding you. Since she never replied to you ever again, there might
    have been something that she was hesitant to talk to you about,
    some people just avoid arguments and don’t talk at all if they want to end a relationship (which is not OK but it happens).
    If it’s been some time and it’s really bothering you, you could try and just text her something like
    ‘Honestly, can you tell me why you stopped being my friend, so I don’t do it again? I won’t judge, I want to learn’
    and no matter what she replies, don’t argue or defend yourself even if it’s upsetting. Just thank her for telling you.

    2. Swearing/complaining
    This is something I have a problem with as well, not so much swearing but complaining. I mean frankly, we know how boring
    it can be when other people complain, but we do it ourselves at least just as much. I try to tone it down as much as I can,
    but usually I end up saying it before I’ve thought about it. Just imagine this constant buzzing in your head while you’re
    complaining or something, haha! I try to apologize if I realize I’ve overdone it, that could make your friends understand better.
    Also if you try to make jokes about something that kind of bothers you, it doesn’t always come out as a joke… Something I’ve
    begrudgingly realized myself.

    3. Being inflexible
    Sometimes we’re too quick in turning people down, I think. What if the situation was reversed? What if that friend told you
    she never wanted to come to your place because she’s uncomfortable? She might have been kind of hurt the way you put it to her.
    In that situation I feel like you should have given a place and asked her if she could meet you up somewhere else.
    She might have interpreted it as if you didn’t want to see her at all, and that it was just a bad excuse.

    Just one thing I think is that we’re very quick to react in the moment. So if you feel angry, don’t let yourself break your
    friendship off, at least not until you’ve calmed down and thought about it thoroughly. They’re just human like you. We’re by
    no means perfect and we can’t get people to think exactly like us.

    4. No questions asked
    It really is difficult if they’re not asking questions and just talking, but was she even aware that she was doing it?
    Did you try to talk to her about it? Although sometimes you just don’t get along with people…

    5. Childhood friend
    Oh, those never stay the same. She didn’t contact you, but you didn’t contact her either. If you ever talk again,
    if you feel like it’s worth it, try to talk about how she speaks towards you.

    6. Stressing friends out
    Truth is… We are impulsive so when we make plans we want to do them ASAP. Which might come across as a bit clingy.
    Some people just talk about doing things like, ‘oh we should go to this place sometime’ < they don’t mean that, when they say sometime.
    They don’t mean now.
    They have this imaginary plan made up in their mind they don’t want to turn into reality. I don’t know why, but they do.
    So try to not seem overexcited and just say something like ‘sure, let’s go’ and leave it at that. I don’t know.

    I really wish you don’t give up in getting friends. Even though it might feel right at the moment, it can be a very lonely thing.

    As for me, I’m terrible at keeping friends myself. I don’t keep in touch, even though I care, not even with my family.
    The few times I do I can say the most random things.
    I moved from Sweden to the US about 2 years ago and I haven’t made a single friend here, I do have 1 online friend that I talk to
    sometimes.. But my social life is pretty sad haha.

    Anyway, best of luck to you, and lots of love. Hope you can find some friends who like you for you.
    Don’t give up.
    Ani

  • #75815

    Mariade
    Participant

    Hello Ani!

    Thank you for your long reply, it was very thoughtful of you and interesting to read. I really appreciate it.

    I think it sounds really cool that you moved away such a long way! I don´t think it´s strange you don´t know anyone there yet, friendships takes time and it´s the same with romantic relationships, you won´t settle for just anyone, same with friends. Are you from Sweden from the beginning? If you want one more online-friend, you can reach out to me. I would love to hear more about your moving to the states.

    Here are some answers to yours:

    1. The unresponsible friend is still very hard for me to figure out no matter what. This because no matter how you ask, you are rarely getting the most honest answer back even if you assure you can take it. No one will ever say “well, I think you are this and that so I decided to just disapear and return when it´s suitable for me”. I wish you could demand a honest answer but you can´t really demand anything at all, that is what´s so frustrating 🙂

    2. You are absolutely right about this. I will say I joke or confess that I complain too much, this is something I actually never do, I tend to think people know what I mean… but off course they always don´t.

    3. I do understand your point, but I would not be mad at a friend if she´s clearly tells she´s scared of going alone to my area if there has been some criminal activities or just a rough neighbourhood in general. People had said the very same about my neighbourhood even if there is no crime going on but I don´t take it personal, it´s just how my area looks, it´s not about me as a person and I feel the same way. This friend did also have a car but never offered me a ride, even though I would pay her and she knew about my feeling of insecurity. For me, that´s the dead give away, knowing but not helping.

    4. This person was not mean or cold hearted, she was just not aware of how much she talked about herself. Some people are like that, and I feel it´s not my job to tell a 45 year old woman that she would ask something in return 🙂

    5. I still have problems knowing how to tell someone even to this day when I think the person is a bit mean. I´m not sure how I would tell her today not sounding too resentful and oversensitive about. Have you told a former friend years later she was mean to you?

    6. You are absolutely right. I would say “sure, let´s do that sometime” and quit asking “when?”. I realise it can be a bit stressful for some people to get that question right away.

    Best wishes and thank you,
    Mariade

  • #75835

    AW
    Participant

    Hello!

    I am also new to this forum. I’m in my early 30 as well. I have never actually responded to anything before, since I am a terrible writer and have a hard time not bouncing around – when I I write, or conversate. So please bare with me while I try and attempt stay focused and add to your conversation! Both of your responses gave me insight into another view and I liked the advice.

    Before I go into responding to an
    Unresponsive Friend here is a little about me:
    I know that because of my ADHD I can be a difficult person to swallow sometimes. I can talk a lot – and over talk especially if I am feeling uncomfortable or if I’m trying connect with someone who is different from me I’ll even over share to try make a connection- Or to try and not feel uncomfortable. I also have a hard time focusing and staying focused, so listening to people can be very difficult. Not that I don’t care what they are saying or about them, because I do. With that I also have terrible short term memory, which can lead to me unexpectedly interrupting people. Not that someone is saying something unimportant, my mind is just constantly going a million miles a minute and if I don’t say it right then and there I will completely forget it like it never happened. All those are my terrible habits/ qualities that I have always had and have tried to fix. However, I am extremely caring person, who is always there for my friends if they ever need anything. I am spontaneous and always ready to laugh and am down for adventure. I am great at being flexible and I always try to make the best of every situation. Okay now that I got that out of the way.

    I am actually experiencing what you are going through right now with two of my friends who I thought were extremely close. The first friend it took me 5 months to finally bring up the courage to ask why just one day they decided to ghost me out of their life. I didn’t know what happened why or what caused it. Was it me, was it because they had something going on in their life, but why couldn’t they then share that. I was confused and upset which led to being angry. But I felt the friendship was more important than never talking to them again. How can you throw away 10 years. So after months of festering I finally asked. No one ever wants to know if it’s actually them. But I’d rather I finally realized I wanted know what was going on. So I got in touch, I said we hadn’t talked awhile and wanted to open up the conversation. I was explained that I was hurt that I was ghosted twice and gave a specific date far in the future to when they could hang out. Everyone is busy so all of this was upsetting. I let them know my feelings and asked if I caused any of this. Their response was no and didn’t really give any more of an answer but at least I asked since it was making me crazy. However on the flipside my other friend who is constantly unresponsive to texts and never reaches out first. I have known her for over 15 years but my relationship is very different from the first. So even though she blows me off and doesn’t respond or even reach out sometimes. I still haven’t said anything. I don’t know if I’m scared to hear or reasoning or what. I don’t really have any good advice because I can’t even follow my own I guess I figured I would respond so you know you weren’t the only one going through this. I liked Ani advice and am thinking about reaching out to my second friend. I have learned though the that people change and even friends from my childhood and from even college were in a different time of my life some people may stay friends and others may grow apart and it’s okay. It’s not the quantity of friends it’s the quality.
    I was always a social person but now I find my self sitting on the couch on a Friday night. At first it was hard because I used to always be out and about with people so being alone was weird but now sometimes I even enjoy it.
    But I do wish I had someone to talk to who can relate. Just going out and meeting new people I feel like can be difficult, since I feel I usually make a not so good first impression with some of my flaws. Thanks for sharing your thoughts again ladies.
    Ashley

  • #75941

    Ani
    Participant

    Hello again Mariade, and hi Ashley-

    (replying to Mariade first)
    Thanks for YOUR response. It’s always helpful to see things in a different way.

    Yes, I’m from Sweden. It was a rather impulsive decision to move abroad, actually…
    you know one of those ideas you have when you don’t think about the consequences whatsoever,
    because you can only see the excitement in it until it’s too late? But I guess you’re right that friendships take time,
    it’s just that I’m never out actually meeting people which adds to my problem.
    Aw thanks, you know, I wouldn’t mind having you as a friend, but I heard you’re not recruiting anymore…
    If you do happen to change your mind however, then yes! (Please)

    1. That’s true, but if you come to her talking as not a friend but as a stranger,
    she might talk to you differently. She could be stalling for time because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings,
    but tell her you don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering what happened.
    I’m not sure but all I know is that it’s going to continue hurting you until you understand or get some sort of closure.

    2. Exactly! I do that too! Like sometimes I get asked if I’m being serious,
    and I feel taken aback like… of course not. So maybe we’re not as obvious as we think we are?
    People really don’t understand our train of thoughts? It’s just funny how you sometimes assume they do anyway…

    3. Hmm… This goes back to 2. because people don’t understand the way you think.
    We are quick to judge, get upset then ‘break things off’. So try to think about it in a different way.
    I, for instance, have no sense of danger at all, and don’t understand the concept of a scary neighborhood.
    Sure there’s criminal activity, but it won’t happen to me.
    I’ve definitely ended up in trouble cause of that mindset, but that’s a different story.
    Anyway, so if I have this friend who’s telling me she doesn’t want to come visit me, that’s all I can hear.
    Because deep in my heart I feel that people should be able to think of things from my point of view.
    I think ‘sure, it’s scary’ and want to throw in an eyeroll in there.
    So I would probably feel that you just don’t want to see me and that it’s a bad excuse.
    She doesn’t feel the same way as you unfortunately… Did you ask for a ride? Did you suggest a place you could meet at instead
    or ask if she might have been able to come pick you up? Like we both agreed on before, these things aren’t obvious to other people.
    She might have just felt hurt herself.

    4. What if that 45 year old woman were you? You don’t know why your friend stopped contacting you.
    What if they did it because you don’t ask questions, and you never realized?
    Now I doubt that it actually is the case, but wouldn’t you want someone to help you understand?

    5. That’s true and I agree with you, it’s really difficult to tell someone if you feel they’re being mean.
    A part of you tells you that you’re overreacting and what not. If I told a former friend she was mean? Let’s see…
    Yes, there was this one friend I had up until maybe 10 years ago. I found out she was blocking me on MSN when I thought we were close.
    She had also cancelled our plans several times the last minute when she lived 5 hours away from me.
    I sent her a long message on Facebook telling her that she needs to give back for our friendship to work.
    That she was hurting my feelings.
    Her reply wasn’t the best – she said something like ‘no, if you want to end this friendship that’s on YOU.’
    That was it, nothing about her behavior.
    Although I know it didn’t end the best way it could have, all you can do is your part, and then if your friend doesn’t do it, that’s it.
    At least you have closure. In a way I’m glad it ended since she didn’t care in the first place.

    6. Haha, alright, I will try to do the same. To stick with the ‘sure’ and not with the ‘when’. Good luck to us.

    Ashley, hi and welcome. I don’t think you’re a terrible writer and it’s a good thing you decided to reply.

    I’m basically more or less like you in social situations I’d say, but I have tried to get better at it.
    The whole interrupting thing? Yep. It’s like we have to say it before we forget it – but some people will find it insulting instead.
    Just try to always keep in mind how much you talk, and if you want to interrupt, ask yourself ‘how important is this, really?’
    I know it’s no cakewalk. All we can do is try. Not to mention all the things we get distracted by during those conversations…
    Like when you’re trying to listen to your friend but your thoughts are too loud. And the oversharing, I always hated myself for it!
    People want to take their time and slowly get to know others,
    so they’re surprised when they find out everything about a person the first day they meet them. Maybe.

    I’m so sorry, you reached out for your friend after 5 months and got a pointless reply.
    Did she seem surprised that you even asked, like she thought everything was okay? Surely she must have realized what she was doing?

    I do feel like you should reach out to your other friend as well, like you were thinking of, and hope for the best.
    Not for their sake but for your own. If they really don’t want to talk to you, then that’s their loss and just a waste of your time and emotions.
    But at least you would know and get some closure. That’s the worst case…
    but it could also be because of a good reason that doesn’t have to do with you.
    It would stop you from worrying and feeling bad about it, don’t you think?
    That’s too bad. I can already tell from your forum post you seem like a nice person, just like Mariade.
    I would say you made a good impression here so I think you’re underestimating yourself.
    Either that or people don’t appreciate you the way they should.
    Anyway if you’re interested in another friend… I feel like us 3 understand each other so well, haha!

    Ani

  • #75962

    AW
    Participant

    Mariade,
    After re reading your post since it takes me awhile and a few times to actually read and understand what I’m reading. I don’t really have any answers or solutions to the things you posted because I am also trying to figure out similar things myself. And you articulated it way better than I could. Which has helped me think about my own issues. I do know though you are definitely not alone in what you are thinking. I’ve run into a lot of people who don’t understand add, which can complicate a friendship since they may not know or understand where you are coming from or why you are doing or saying. I am also guilty of talking to much and not asking questions in return, I don’t mean to do it intentionally. I feel like I’m prying into peoples business and since I’m terrible with social cues it makes me anxious, am I over stepping, or asking to many questions, is this too personal. So I tend not too ask, which probably leads to me not seeming like I’m interested in the other person, which is totally not the case. I’m just terrible at small chit chat and communicating which something I know I need to work on.

    To the both of you:
    I feel like meeting new friends is like going out on an awkward first date lol, first you have to meet someone, which means you have to do something, which if you are like me I don’t really have much motivation right now especially since it’s winter, where I’m usually on my couch with my dog. So I’m not really going anywhere to be able to meet anyone except work. Then once you finally meet someone I feel like I would be awkward in a conversation with a stranger. Then ask them to get coffee or something? I don’t even drink coffee lol. Then I would be thinking and over thinking everything, like -do they think I’m to weird or off the wall (which I totally am and I embrace it) but will I be judged in a not so good way. It just seems like a lot of effort to put into, with in hopes you may actually get along with this person and create a friendship.

    I also feel like some people aren’t into making new friends because they already have friends. And I also feel like if I can’t even keep the good friends I have how am I going to be able to make new ones.

    Having a mind that goes a million miles a min allows me to think of way to many thoughts and ideas about everything and overthinking or reading way to far into things or every scenario. Ha it can be extremely exhausting.

    Ani,

    Thanks for the all the advice, especially about interrupting and the little tid bit about asking your self how important is this really. Now putting that into action might be difficult but I am going to try and work on it. How do you stay focused?

    In response to my friend I reached out to: When I first reached out they said they missed me and we had a casual conversation; then they said if I did something to upset you I’m sorry, which opened the door my to my long response, about how I thought we were good friends and how I missed our friendship but I was upset that you ghosted me and was only friends when it was convenient for them. I know they recently started dating someone so I figured some of that had to do with it to. They respond that everything I said was completely true, and I wasn’t the only person that they mistreated and hoped that I could forgive them and asked to get together and Ketch up soon. We ended up ketching up and hangin out a couple of times, but mostly just talking on the phone and texting. Their new relationship that they are in has definitely changed our friendship, and after being blown off again a few times I realized that is just how it’s going to be and not to put full stock into this relationship anymore.

    I haven’t reached out to my other friend yet, she’s someone that I have known since I was a freshmen in college, we are completely different people and I have really never had a friend like her; you would think we would have a deeper friendship but she likes to make it seem like everything is always perfect and nothing is ever wrong; doesn’t really open up, she can also be kinda judgmental. So it’s hard to be open with someone who is not. She never thinks she is in the wrong and never really puts the effort in, in less it’s convenient for her. So I haven’t wanted to reach out because I just don’t know how she is going to take it or her how she will respond. And I don’t think I’m ready to deal with what she had to say.

    I also think it’s neat that you have moved here from Sweden, do you travel a lot?

    I am definitely interested in having another friend! You seem to know some stuff and is very nice! I thought putting I would love to have you as a new friend sounded desperate and creepy lol. 😉

    Ashley

  • #76022

    MrScott
    Participant

    I suck at making and keeping friends too. Given that I don’t have great skills in this area, I have kind of outsourced this to people who are good at this. Some ideas for getting more social contact (and practice for social skills):

    • ADD support group
    • Meetup dot com group that matches any of your interests
    • Improv classes, which I think of as “supervised adult play date.” Being random and spontaneous is a valuable skill here! Plus someone else takes care of scheduling, getting other people to come, and coming up with fun games to play.
    • Any (in-person) class that matches your interests
    • Volunteer for a cause you consider worthwhile
    • Join a club
    • A counselor (who is a good fit for you) can be a tutor for social skills. Some people are ‘naturals’ but the rest of us have to learn how, and a good teacher can help.
    • Meditation, to train your brain how to be calm

    One important factor is the ‘vibe’ you give off. It really helps to give off “purring cat” instead of “snarling dog”. This is a habit, and building it may take work, but it’s possible to at least shift habits gradually.

    Edit: work on learning to notice the positive and give compliments. If nothing else, notice that they tried. Swap places in your mind: do you like being with someone who notices and points out your mistakes, or your successes?

    Good luck!

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  MrScott.
  • #76025

    AW
    Participant

    Mr Scott
    Thanks for all your great ideas!! I hadn’t thought of most of them!!! I will have to look into some of them!!
    Thanks!

  • #76031

    Dr.Confucius
    Participant

    All the ideas from MrScott are very good indeed.

    In general, I’d say, to build new friendships:
    follow your interests (via Meetup.com etc. ),
    volunteer your time/work at or for places/causes that you enjoy,
    join OR create a club for your interests – even if it is to get ADD /ADHD folks together for a chat (all of the above as MrScott says);
    and: reach out to others wherever your interests take you (walking your dog? go to a dog-park … lots of like-minded folks there).

    Some things that I’ve learned the very hard way:
    >Never make assumptions ( e.g. “that person has 4 kids, I only have a dog -there’s nothing in common” ; you never do know; perhaps that person always wanted a dog, but cannot, because of the 4 kids being a lot of work).
    >Give it a lot of time
    >To give-it-a-lot-of-time, without hitting dead-ends, start many, many attempts at meeting different people – say, 100-200 potential friends per year. Then a small percentage of success will give you great rewards, and you’ll have lots of practice and be getting better. Try and pace yourself – when strong & enthusiastic, keep at it, so that you compensate for low-energy periods when you cannot reach out.
    > PLAN AHEAD ! ( You can’t call ‘friends’ for a get together, without some advance time – at least several days).
    >If you think you have unique/strange/foreign interests, those are great attractions to lots of people looking for companions in those unlikely interests.
    (Not many of my friends like bowling – perhaps they’re not good at it, or think it is too ‘middle class’ or whatever – I make no assumptions – but I still look for those who want to go enjoy bowling.) Don’t ignore what makes you unique.
    >Pursue all your interests – there is no time to ignore any of them

    Hope this is helpful.

    ***

  • #76040

    dinamspice
    Participant

    Hi All ~
    I have no advice to lend to your conversation, but, I also have issues with the idea of friendship. At 45-years-old I was diagnosed with ADHD (along with a couple of other lovely comorbidities) and the whole friend thing now makes so much more sense. Friendships have always been very hard for me. I believe I could comfortably live in a world of hyperfocus, alone and fairly happy. The world, and all of its sights, smells, and noise, totally drains me. I am very particular about who I let into my hubbub of a life, and it’s always felt like there just isn’t room for “friends”. They want too much from me (like plans! and phone interaction!)…I worry over most conversations with people I’m not fully comfortable with and I just don’t have the energy or desire to deal with it all. I feel like the idiosyncrasies that I now know come with my ADHD are just too many to try to hide, work around, explain. My husband and children understand my peculiarities and love me even when I can’t control certain aspects of them. They understand ADHD: I interrupt, I overshare, ugly emotions show when I get pulled away from a task I’m engrossed in, I get sidetracked by other stimuli and/or my incessantly changing thoughts while trying to hold a conversation. These are all things that friends may not be so cool with after a while (and I don’t blame them). It’s just too much work and honestly, at this point in my life, I really feel okay with it. The only time I feel bad is when I ponder why I don’t feel bad even though society seems to tell me I should.
    ~ Dina

    • #76054

      andysomos
      Participant

      Hi Dinamspace:
      The aspect I found in your writing is at the end:

      “It’s /making keeping friends/ (ed) just too much work and honestly, at this point in my life, I really feel okay with it. The only time I feel bad is when I ponder why I don’t feel bad even though society seems to tell me I should.”

      Fact is the above is crucial to most of the comments on the topic being discussed.

      To Be or not to Be ‘Standard Issue’ — this is the fundamental issue.
      If any of us feel it is too demanding to fit into the standard hole that society’s epectations are trying to pinhole us into, well then just live your own set of rules.

      Steer clear of the masses, the conventional behaviorists. Make your own way to heaven and you may find other like-minded souls will be coming your way!!!

      Its worked for me. Like being oiutside of the mainstream. Its not easy but if you dont work at it, you are going to remain unhappy, most likely !!!!!!!!

      Best
      Andy

  • #76058

    dancerlauren
    Participant

    Hi
    I haven’t been diagnosed with adhd but I have most of the problems that you will have if you have been diagnosed. As I find it hard to make friends and then maintain them, I also struggle with communication when I have to talk to anyone, I like to be in my own space. I also feel like I have to fidget when I’m in lessons at college by tapping my pen or just fiddle with something.
    Lauren Walmsley

  • #76069

    sunshinegable
    Participant

    hello
    I too have had problems keeping friends over the years. I have one friend now and we are pretty close. Thankfully she is patient, understanding, and knows about adhd. She is very supportive. I honestly think you need to find new people and find somebody that is going to be mutually supportive in your friendship. I have just as hard of time as you with all the things you listed. Sometimes you have to stop and think before you act or speak. It is extremely hard, but if you make an effort you will see yourself making the small steps and changes to help yourself out with other relationships. You have to think what are you going to do or say and how it will affect the others around or involved. I am very thankful for my one true friend. She came back into my life when I really needed a good female companion. She helped me out of some darkness. She has helped me get back on my woman wagon. Thats what I like to call it. I hope some of this helps. truly think you have just been encountering some sorry ppl. There are great folks out there who will be your friend til the end. it is a matter of time before you find them!!

  • #76042

    jerhong
    Participant

    I have adult Add mid 30’s make and know exactly how you feel. I always have a small sense of anxiety in certain situations, and you choosing not to go to someone’s home in a bad area is not abnormal, id say it’s normal.

    Being blunt is ADD, unfortunately it can offend people. Just keep in mind.

    Not supporting, I think u should choose indifference, instead of arguing or attempting to fix because it is there life, simply be indifferent. “ I’m moving halfway across the country to live with my new bf that I never met” you response…wow, good for u, let me know how that goes. It’s not your life so don’t worry about it so much I noticed that with Add we have this like addiction to try and help other people or fix things that really have nothing to do with us…it’s time to focus on yourself. What issues do u see with you.

    I’d take the Dark Triad Test…see how u score, and I would take

    Some other emotionality tests like this one https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/EI.php

    See how u score and just know where u stand, your scores won’t change in the future. So it’s just good to be observant with your own feelings in relation to the general public.

    Them not texting back doesnt mean shit…people are busy.

    U want to make friends u might have to go out of your way to create relationships.

    Instead of 100 aquantences focus on making 1-2 extremely good friendships….u really only need 1.

    Hope this helps

  • #76101

    jennyobrien
    Participant

    My teenage daughter has just been diagnosed with ADHD- inattentive, so I came to this site for help. I have no diagnosis but see myself in so much of what I’m learning here. I have struggled with friendships for years and am sad to watch my daughter with many of the same struggles. Fortunately for me I’m in a strong marriage, but relying on one person for support can be too much for that relationship. So here’s what I’ve learned to help me cope in hopes that it may be a small comfort to you who are also struggling.

    There is so much research about the importance of women having girlfriends… not discounting men here, just talking about what I’ve read. So, that knowledge keeps me trying to make and keep friends.

    It may be cliche, but there are seasons of friends. People move in and out of your life because of life circumstances. I try not to take this personally. (It’s hard, I know.) My daughter’s therapist said a couple things… we are like a tree. Some friends are like leaves and hold on for just a season, a short time. Others may start to be branches, but as soon as a storm comes they break off. We need roots to survive. If you can develop two or three roots, you will make it. Right now for my daughter that is me, her father and her sister. She said there are friends who are with you and those that are for you. Those who are WITH you are like the leaves, holding on while you’re fun or giving them whatever it is they need. Those friends who are FOR you are for you no matter what. They survive your storm of depression, lack of follow-through, over-sharing, whatever. The roots, the ‘for you friends’ is where we need to spend our energy.

    I say the woman who just talks about herself could be a narcissist. Run, don’t walk. She’s not in it for you. Look for a balance.

    Something else I try to improve my mood about humanity is to be nice. I try to strike up conversations with people most everywhere I go. It hasn’t developed any real friendships, but it’s a moment of connection that I can be grateful for.

    Others are giving advice about joining interest groups… good advice, but there is more. Another therapist told me that it’s not good enough to just join. You have to show up early and look approachable- not looking at your phone. You have to stay after and be willing to talk to people. It takes time and effort. Sometimes I would just rather talk to the lady in the produce section.

    I am working on friendships with two women, and the three of us meet together about every three weeks. I like them both very much, but I feel more secure meeting with both instead of one on one. It takes some pressure off the conversation. I have learned by listening to them that my memory is not great. One will ask about an event of the other that I know I was privy to but completely forgot. It’s not that I don’t care, I just didn’t remember. Now when I leave the date I put the event in my calendar… Call girlfriend about surgery on this day. That has helped me be a better friend. Wish I knew what else it takes.

    Good luck!

  • #76136

    Ani
    Participant

    Hi Ashley
    The thing you said about an awkward first date is so true. Even before actually meeting up,
    we often go through the whole scenario in our head beforehand,
    unlike a neurotypical person who’s like ‘alright, going to meet someone new today!’.
    We see the potential failure before it’s even happened, scared out of our minds to be rejected again,
    more worried about ourselves than them.
    There’s also that tiny problem about taking action and actually do the friend searching yourself.
    I have a tendency of waiting for friends to fall onto my lap (this doesn’t seem to work). At least you have a dog!
    Something important though, you DESERVE friends. Even if it’s difficult, I wish you would keep trying,
    until you find friends who try to understand you and accept you for you.

    How do I stay focused? Hmm… Not sure if you’re going to like this answer, but I don’t.
    I can only try my best to not interrupt and listen. We don’t control what distracts us.
    But like you said before to Mariade, I sometimes talk too much and interrupt.
    Don’t ask enough questions even though I want to, wondering what’s okay to say and ask,
    sometimes saying inappropriate things that make me want to bang my head against the wall.
    And I do constantly get distracted, wondering how many times it’s okay to ask them to repeat themselves,
    or if I should just try to nod and go along with it.

    About your friend, I’m so proud of you for reaching out to them and asking about what really happened.
    It took a lot of energy and courage from you!
    Sorry they don’t seem as invested as you in the friendship though… You really can only do your part,
    and you did as much as you could. That’s too bad and disappointing that they wouldn’t try harder.
    But that’s on them, not on you, so don’t blame yourself.

    This friend of yours from college, to tell you the truth…
    I really understand why you won’t contact her and I think it’s in your best interest not to.
    Of course I don’t know the full story, and we all have flaws, but good riddance.
    No one needs that kind of superficial friendship. It’s just sad and lonely when the other person doesn’t want to open up,
    especially when you’ve known each other for so long.

    Aw thanks, I don’t really travel a lot, but I have some. The jet lag always kills me though. What about you, travel much? Or want to?
    Yes..! To be honest, I was worried I was too pushy there for a second, and you’re worrying about sounding creepy?
    Hahaha! I think we get along great already.
    Can I add you somewhere for further pointless talk or email or something since I can’t seem to message you
    on this forum? (actually, is that creepy-?)

  • #76203

    AW
    Participant

    Ani-
    You weren’t being pushy!! I’m glad you asked!! After I said that, I realized you probably might not get my humor!! But you did!! 😊 here’s where you can reach me ADHDandlovingme@gmail.com

  • #76208

    Mariade
    Participant

    Hello Ashley!

    Thank you for responding on my post, I appreciate it.

    Unresponsive friend: This is very interesting, something I´m clearly not getting on
    my own, so thank you for learning me. This could actually been the case for me
    and this 40 year old friend of mine. She was maybe really uncomfortable (I´m very
    calm in my present maybe that turned her nervous? I listen too much more then talking)
    It´s also interesting that you saying you have trouble listening to people even
    you think it´s interesting. I can relate to this, I´m not a interupter,
    but I do often think ahead what the person telling me.If she talks about a date I think
    “are they going to meet again or not?” because that´s the most important question
    (at least for me) and do I get frustrated when someone takes too long to come to the
    conclusion of a story. I tend to forget what it´s all was about if the person talks
    too much about every single detail.
    I think it sounds great that you are a caring person, because of that people
    will forgive you even when you are “zooning out” because they know you be there and
    have a warm heart.

    I´m sorry that these friends ghost you.
    I really hate the ghosting thing, that´s just wrong and heartless. It was really courageously
    of you to actually ask about this even though you didn´t got a real honest answer.
    The other one, the friend who sound a bit like the friend I have, just disapearing and
    return when it´s suitable. I interpret people who do that simply prefer other
    people before you (and me), I know I sound harsch but that´s how I feel about it.
    Because if this friend would prefer you they would not be unresponsive and never
    reach out, I hope Im wrong though. Maybe the “best” answer for this people are that they are simply comfortable
    and know you (and me) are people that always reach out first? Maybe because
    we don´t like the waiting, be “see what´s happening”? I want to know now, not
    about 5 months, maybe you feel the same.

    I have a hard time to think you give “not so good first impression”, why you think that?
    ———————————————————-

    Hello again Ani!

    Can I ask you why you decide to not go out and meet people as you were telling me?
    Im not judging you, I do the very same but I have to ask if there is a reason for it
    or simply time just float by.

    1. She has not quitting the friendship all together she just vanish long
    periods of time and I can´t force her to contact me more often even if I wish
    that would happend.

    2. I agree, it sounds like we both think people will understand us but
    they actually don´t so we have to think about being more specific
    (even though I think I´m as clear as I can be). Maybe I suffer
    from bad self awareness.

    3. I do understand your point about this even if I don´t agree 🙂
    A important thing in life is keeping off from dangerous places and people, if a person decide
    to live in a dangerous area then this person should at least have some understanding
    that all people are not willing to walk there alone. If this person takes this
    on a personal level I can´t do anything to change that. You either understand or you don´t.
    This former friend were also a risktaker, dating guys who stalking her and were really
    dangerous,she were not able to see the warningsigns but I can.
    I did suggest places we could go to instead, yes and we decided 3 times to
    go to a place. Every single time these date come up, she decided to pull out the same day.

    4. A new person that telling me on the first time we meet that I should ask questions
    are simply not gonna work out fine. Who are this person to judge what´s right and wrong? she
    maybe would think. I´m not seeking people that begin a friendship with monolouges,
    lifes too short.

    5. I´m sorry about this. I feel like this so called friend using her passive aggressive
    behavoir to sound like she was the “normal one” even if she was the one doing the wrong stuff.
    The sentence “if you want to end this friendship, that´s on you” sounding manipulating.
    If someone blocking a friend then it´s clearly something wrong and if she is also
    cancelling plans in the last moment and can´t be honest, she´s a flaky friend and lack
    empathy.

    6. Hehe, yes, this one is absolutely the hardest one. I will try even if it´s not me
    to just say “yea, let´s do that sometime” and just leaving at that.

    —————————
    AW again:

    This is very interesting and I can really relate to the feeling of prying into peoples
    buisness (done that many times). I can´t small talk either and I don´t know
    for sure what it´s okey to ask and what´s not, often these days I tend to ask
    more boring questions then I use to… because I step on other people way too fast.
    “are your man cheeting on you now or has he stopped?”, “how are you feeling now since
    your mom died, are you okey?”, these are questions I have asked in wrong times,
    not knowing. I do understand what you telling me, that this fear of doing
    to wrong overstepping making you not want to ask anything.
    But I have a strong feeling your not that sort of monolougemonster I am thinking of when
    I´m talking about people that not asking anything back.

    I can REALLY relate to this thoughts you telling us both, the over thinking,
    the fear of being weird, and more, the overly anxious thinking about EVERYTHING,
    yes I can totally agree on this. It´s so much easier to just avoid new friend all together,
    it´s sad to say it but life is at least for me very easy these days.

    ————————————-
    Hello Mr Scott!

    Thank you for this helpful list. A supportgroup for people with the same issues
    is something I´m really wanting to try and would do this year actually (first time ever).
    For me it´s important that people have knowledge and who would better have that
    then people that suffer from the same stuff?!
    The doctor also often give as a advice on meditating but what kind of meditation
    they/you are really meaning? The breath in and breath out thing or what?
    I am not good at meditating, pray to God is enough for me even though I also swear alot as well 🙂

    Thats interesting what you saying about vibes. I definitly think I send
    out negative and sad vibes when I having the worse frustrating days,
    Im simply a cranky person that are sensitive about alot.
    Even if I understand what you are telling me and also the benefits of
    not show all your emotions all the time, I do feel it´s sad to hide your own self
    even if it´s beneficial for you. People are what they are, I think the key is to find
    people that are not judging you, telling you are “just so negative”
    no matter what and not hide or put a lock on the vibes you sending out.
    I´ts like telling a creepy person to stop being creepy, the creep just hiding it, but it´s still there.

    ————————————-
    Hello Dr.Confucius!

    Thank you for your advices as well, these are classics, joining clubs, following interests etc.
    They are not new but they are winning concepts, I know.

    The list you did about things you learned in the hard way were great to read.
    The making too fast assumptions is true, you never know, I do agree with you.
    Sorry I didnt get the part of to-give-it-a-lot-of-time. Did you mean that you
    were out there alot and met big crowds of people and after a long time you had the really
    good ones left? This means you have to have alot of energy to meet so much people,
    I was that before, but I don´t have that energy to go through people anymore.
    Im not sure if this what you meant though?
    Plan ahead – Im the big planner, so this is not refering to me at all but I do agree with you, people
    tend to ask in the last minute when you need days or even months ahead.

    ————————–

    Hello Dinamspice!

    I would love to know the other comorbidities you have, this because I´m like you not just having ADD.
    I agree totally what you are saying, being comfortable with just living alone with hyperfocus because
    of sensory issues, sights, smells, noise and also friendships questions that never ends drain me also.
    As I were saying before, the life without friends are so much
    easier then having them even if I know it sound so sad and lonely.

    —————————–

    Hello Andysomos!

    I can only agree with your words. The make your own way is the only way to go,
    it´s may not be simply but its easier then pretend.

    ————————————-

    Hello Danderlauren!

    I did that in lessons too, tapping my pen or moving my legs or just sighing loud.
    The communicationpart is the hardest one, that takes time to learn and I wonder
    if someone with communicationsissues actually got really good at it after a while?
    That I would like to hear.

    ———————————————-

    Hello Sunshinegable!

    That sound like a very supportive friend you got there. Be happy for that,
    I think they are very rare to find and that you deserved to find someone like this.

    Thank you for your advice about stop and think before speaking, it´s hard
    because I always think the other person would see me as “slow” if I´m not
    talking fast and giving superfast respond. Maybe it´s something from my childhood,
    people calling my slow thinker, I dont know.
    Thank you for your kind words, I hope to find a great friend some day,
    even if Im burned down.

    ——————————————–

    Hello Jerhong!

    Thank you! I also think it´s normal to avoid bad areas even if a friend lives there.
    And yes, being blunt is ADD, I do agree on that and know that as well,
    it´s the part of knowing when Im blunt and not that are a bigger problem for me 🙂

    You are absolutely right about this worring too much for other people-stuff,
    it´s easier to focus on other people I think rather on myself.

    I will do the Dark Triad test and see what it´s saying, thanks for that link.

    I dont agree with that not texting back just meaning people are busy,
    I know for a fact people that are less busy then me, choosing to not text back.
    It´s a choice, I know people texting in the most unlikey places, that friend
    I refer to are NOT that busy.

    I have gone alot of years out of my bubble to create relationships,
    all of them failed in different ways, but I have tried for sure.

    —————————————-

    Hello Jennyobrien!

    Thank you for your wise words about the friendship-tree. I do feel it´s very true.
    The “for you”-friends are rare to find, very, very rare but it´s wonderful for those
    people that have found those ones.

    Yes, I do agree the narcissist-kind of thinking, thats a bit like I was feeling as well,
    the balance is something I´m really lookinf for today and I will not give in like
    I was doing before.

    Yes, a moment of connection are good, I tend to talk a bit with people in shops, hairdresser
    or whatever, the small moments are important too.

    This also is true, the joining groups and stay later-thing. I have a trouble with
    staying, I can happily turn my phone down, no problem, but I will leave after
    the meeting is over. This often because my energy are low and I can´t think anymore,
    often socialising with many people drain everything out of me, that´s
    why I avoid groups all together.

  • #76225

    Ani
    Participant

    Mariade
    When it comes to not getting friends, I have this crippling fear of getting rejected.
    It makes it terribly difficult to look for new people to talk to unless I’m forced into situations like that.
    I can so easily soak up people’s emotions so if they’re uncomfortable with me or judge me I notice it right away,
    it makes me want to run to the restroom and cry, which I know is silly.
    Even if I don’t notice a hostile attitude I still worry about it.
    And to be fair I have no idea where to even go outside to look for friends if I would want some.
    Then I feel like I might not be a good friend anyway…
    You know, just constantly worrying about things instead of looking forward.

    1. What point is there in having a one-sided friendship? Won’t it hurt you more in the end?
    Although I suppose if you’re really close, it would be hard to let go…

    2. Yeah, I’ve noticed that with myself a lot. Not so much during whatever event takes place, but afterwards.
    If I’m in disagreement with someone, I sometimes feel shocked that they don’t see it my way since it’s so obvious or easy to see.
    So I have to tell myself that maybe I’m not always right. Maybe there is a different point of view I need to think about.
    …Still that enlightenment usually comes afterwards.
    I think you’re pretty cool for admitting it though. Are you like me when you feel like you’re clear about things?
    Like you leave some things out when you talk to others because you’ve already thought about it in your head…
    And sometimes it confuses you haha!

    3. That’s okay, you don’t have to agree with something just because you understand it.
    That’s the most important thing for reconciliation. You just need to try and not get insulted by it.
    But if she’s cancelling her plans on you the same day several times that’s another thing.
    There’s nothing more frustrating if she’s not even trying.

    4. Alright. I can’t help but feel that you might miss out on some nice people in that case.
    What if she was one of us?! Haha
    But I guess you get to be picky since it was the first time you met.
    Sometimes it’s hard to have energy for people who don’t let you talk, it’s understandable.

    5. Thanks for your input. She did, didn’t she? She made herself sound justified.
    But I can’t help but feel like it was such a wasteful way of ending a friendship,
    like it meant nothing and then I just felt numb for the longest time.

    6. Alright! Oh but I also want to say something, don’t change yourself TOO much.
    You’re awesome the way you are. It helps to understand yourself and make small adjustments but that’s all you’re allowed!

    Anyway, I was trying to give you advice but I feel like you started listening to me more now, I’m sorry about that.

    If you’re okay with it, do you have an email? I’ll be good, I promise~!

    Ani

  • #76251

    Mariade
    Participant

    Hello again ANI

    I can totally relate to the insecurity-issues you are
    describing, the fear of getting rejected but also the fear
    of getting too “sucked up” in peoples emotion and also there problems.
    I feel the same way.
    I feel like many people just know “here is someone I can talk to” and begin
    to talk a bit too much, often using people for garbagecans, I´m often that
    garbagecan because I can´t say “alright, let´s wrap this up cuz I need to go”.
    Is this fears also the reason why you say you are not a good friend anyway?
    Or is there something else you meant by that?

    1. The point in my one-sided friendship is that she is my only female friend I got right now.
    When we do get together we have fun for sure. It´s one-sided though, that´s the sad part.

    2. I´m not sure I follow you right now 🙂 language problems I guess. You mean if what I´m saying to someone
    confuses me when it´s coming out of my mouth? A problem I got is that I often forget if I already told someone something, so I do repeat myself, that´s something I feel annyoing about myself and people are often too nice to not tell me, they just “aha aha” like “okey, heard that already”. Are you like this too?

    3. You mean trying to think she was taking the bad area personal? I can understand it
    and I feel sorry if that what she was feeling back then. But like with nr 1 issue,
    it should not be one-sided, she should would be be respectful to me as well and not just
    reject me as “too sensitive and scared” and cancel plans. I do suffer from bad conscience very easily and I did said to her that I was very sorry for my behavoir but I´m scared for those things, been through some stuff so I´m guarded and my pulse raises easily if I go in to special areas. She knew this but didn´t care.

    4. You have to ask yourself how nice it would be if you and me met for the first time
    for a dinner on a resturant and I just talked about myself in a up-speed tempo about 2 hours non stop,
    not letting you talk, never asked you a single question in return.
    I may be very hard and judging, but I have to be this picky because many of these kind
    of people are not just nervous. Nervous I can take, it´s something I forgive very easy and people that are very nervous often says it afterwards, she did not.

    5. Some people deal with confrontation with stupid denial,
    they can´t take it and will NEVER acknowledge they did something wrong even if it obvious. This is also the same people that would never say “I´m so sorry if I hurt you”.
    That´s very frustrating when you have a friend doing this to you.
    I been through it also and can tell you more if we email each other.
    I do understand you felt numb, it´s a chock, right and I feel sorry for you.
    How to spot that sort of people? It´s a chocker when it´s happening, right? I´m guessing the best outcome is that you misunderstood each other when this happened, you don´t want to think she was just evil even if it´s sound like that. A person with zero symphaty.

    6. Thank you for your supportive words, I appreciate it 🙂
    Sorry again, it´s me, not really understand again, do I listening too much you say?
    Please explain what you meant 🙂

    Do email me at alpacka@hotmail.com if you wish to have someone to write to 🙂 I will answer you.

    • #76402

      Ani
      Participant

      Mariade,

      Yes, exactly. You seem to be scared of other people talking too much about themselves with you, do you kind of have a hard time speaking up?
      I feel more relieved if they talk a lot, as long as I get to have a say now and then. That means they’re probably okay around me.
      Perhaps? I don’t know, I always care for my friends a lot, but I don’t always know how to show it. Like I’m forgetting things,
      like their families names or birthdays. Or contacting them? Even with my own family, sometimes I don’t call my mom for months.
      It doesn’t mean I don’t care. But it might be perceived that way.

      1. That’s too bad. Sorry she’s your only friend, but I see why you treasure her more then.

      2. Sorry I guess I worded it weirdly. Haha, yes I definitely repeat things just like you and I end up wondering if I’ve said it before.
      But people usually don’t comment on it.

      3. Hmmm, it doesn’t seem as if you’re trying to understand her point of view still.
      She’s only human so it’s very helpful to look at it from a different perspective.
      Don’t think of things the way they SHOULD have been, instead look at things the way they were. Try and solve it like a puzzle.
      You might have told her how you felt, but that doesn’t mean she understood how you felt.
      And I don’t think you understand how she felt or tried to understand. I feel like you both misunderstood each other.

      BUT, again, I think that she cancelled your plans several times is more important than that situation. That’s what would’ve hurt me, unless it was for something unavoidable.

      4. My mother had a friend like that once, I was left alone with her when my mother went out for bit.
      She wouldn’t stop talking, so I raised my hand and waited for her to go quiet.
      Then I went ‘I’m sorry, but you talk way too much. Do you ever let others have a say?’
      Well, she apologized and excused herself to go to the bathroom, and that was the last thing we said to each other.
      Anyway, she had asked my mother about it later, she wondered if she really talked that much.
      Looking at it now, I realize it was a little rude, the way I put it, and with the gesture and everything. ;;
      Still, I can’t help but feel that if it was me, I would want to know.
      And I’m not going to force myself to listen for 2 hours if I don’t get to give any sort of input whatsoever,
      so it’s better if they understand that I’m upset about it.
      I mean it’s better to say something instead of quietly burning up inside isn’t it?

      5. That’s true, and it’s a pretty ugly thing. Why is admitting you might have done something wrong so hard to do? It’s not like it erases the action when you don’t say it out loud. And it shouldn’t be that easy to end a friendship, unless it’s something you’ve been waiting for. Maybe she was looking for an excuse.
      I’m sorry if you’ve been through similar situations.

      6. What I meant was, I started talking about myself when I was trying to give you advice. We started talking about my problems.

      Alright, let me contact you there. Thanks!

      Ani

  • #76210

    alexbagnall3
    Participant

    Only recently recognized as ADHD at the age of 43. After learning about ADHD I realized that people only take about the executive function challenges and not the emotive challenges. Please understand that I have been fired, rejected and ignored more times in my life than I can count and currently have no friends so take my advise with a pinch of salt.
    Recently I read an article which framed ADHD in a new light here on ADDitude describing adult ADD in a new way.

    3 Defining Features of ADHD That Everyone Overlooks

    Summary of 3 new definitions of adhd in adults
    1. An interest-based nervous system (As opposed to a non-ADHD brain which works on an importance or priority based system). Meaning if its not immediately interesting work or personal you dont want to know. That includes things like remembering names or listening to other peoples stories because you want to take about whats interesting to you. Also you will have trouble with time meaning everything is either this very moment or never.
    2. Emotional hyperarousal. The highs are higher and the lows are lower fo us. Interestingly ADHD also increases the likelihood of comorbid conditions like depression or anxiety. These need to be treated first before the ADHD can be addressed. At the very least your brain will work faster than others (making you seem intense) and frequently be overwhelming the good sense stored in your memory that tells you how you should act. Whether its the thing you should have said or the fact it was really a minor annoyance and not worth the trouble will always be something you figure out but it will just take a while longer for you due to heightened emotional responses. Also you will be more intense and on edge wanting everything now. Your friends will not think that way. Another consequence is that you will be unable to assertively state your needs in a constructive way because calmy doing so is just to damn hard. Trust me I spent a long time being a doormat.
    3. Rejection sensitive dysphoria. Rejection will hurt you more than others. Even the smallest slight will be over analyzed down to the smallest detail and sadly you will struggle to let things go. Frequently remembering the same minor hurt over and over again.

    The above rings so true for me and I see a lot of it in your responses

    Now I’ve seen improvement with ADHD medication. Im on Concerta. Its like my whole life my brain has only ever had 20 miles of mental gas and every day is 100 miles. This medication gets me an extra 50 miles of mental gas so to speak. Please note that medication will never “cure” adhd. The goal in taking medication is to improve the quality of your life. I also take a medication to deal with my depression. If you struggle to be around others, dont have energy etc thats usually part of the root cause. Depression isn’t always just a “low” mood. It comes in many forms.

    Take make the last 20 miles of my day takes education.
    People with ADHD miss the social skills that others learn as children so you will need to relearn these. I recommend you read “What does everybody else know that I don’t” by Michelle Novotini Ph.D. to learn the basics of how ADHDer’s can improve their social skills and others areas of oyur ife as well.
    Also watch a youtube channel belonging to Dr. Charles Parker. One of the worlds leading experts on ADHD.
    Also learning to recognize when your brain is going the wrong way takes time to educate yourself on the signs and even longer to learn to implement them but it will happen.
    Cognitive Behavioral therapy has been a huge help.
    Understanding terms like Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Egocentrism (Seeing only your own view and failing to consider others) are common parts of the ADHD brain and important to understand also.

    Education is important and don’t be afraid to seek medical help.

    I hope this helps band please dont give up

    • #76826

      Mariade
      Participant

      alexbagnall3

      Thank you for your interesting post.

      1. This one is both very true and also very sad. I admire people for just staying on workplaces year after year, I have ended jobs way too quick because it was simply boring/unstimulating
      2. Yes, this emotional hypersensitivity is a big problem. It is very hard to explain what I mean in reality, I´m also not aware if I´m right so it´s mostly guessing on my own head that I´m often wrong.
      3. Yes, the analyzing part is true. I admire people that really don´t care what others think about them (if it´s not serious things I mean). I don´t care about every single persons opinons, but people I have/had in my inner circle is nothing I could just shrug off even if I often wish I could.

      For me, that doesn´t have the hyperactivity have never been put on Concerta or other meds for adhd (I have ADD and ASD)
      Have you tried SSRI? In that case. Can you tell me the difference how you felt about these two? I only get numbed by SSRI and sleepy with alot of yawning.

      Thank you for the book och youtube advice, I will check this up!

      CBT has never worked out well for me, I think i´ts because of the ASD I don´t like when people tell me what to do. Also they
      often want me to go out of my routines and that´s when the anxiety getting bigger. For people with “only” ADHD CBT is great I think.

      I don´t think I have ODD because I suffer from having bad conscience all the time even when it´s no argument going on.
      I do feel that suffer from ODD you also must have some sort of lacking empathy and sympathy, I know for a fact I have those.

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