Flaky friend – or am I too demanding?

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    • #128407
      Testingtesting
      Participant

      The only friend I have live far away from me and we only see each other a few times a year. The problem is that this friend is very difficult to understand. When we meet (usually in my home cause the opposite is always a hard struggle) we do have a lot of fun together, my friend expresses that it is fun to be with me and I have a hard time believing that it is a lie. But the same person forgets to reply to mail for several months, a text message can be answered several days later without any reason (so I never text this person any longer, it´s too frustrating to wait forever). We have talked about traveling together but when I try to book it, this person disappears again. When the person finally responds to the email, there are always very long excuses why it has been delayed. Often these excuses are very dramatic too, but now it has been this for years and I feel tired that we have no direct communication except when this friend wants to come and visit me. It is very confusing to me and feel one-sided. I have lost many friends because of my adhd and do not want to lose this friend either, but I am starting to feel exploited and forgotten. I feel that this friend takes the pretense that I am always there and then it can delay forever. I have tried to also delaying longer with answers but it gives no further effect. How do you interpret this situation? Have this happend to you? (I also want to say that this person don´t have adhd or health problems, no children, works on a regular job, no illness either if someone might wonder if this person is very busy, it´s not the case here)

    • #129452
      AutumnDraidean
      Participant

      I feel you.

      I too value my friendships highly, I respond promptly and if plans are made I will be there with bells on! I struggle when others don’t value friendship as much as I do. It has gotten to the point where I don’t suggest plans and any plans I make, I make sure they’re for things I’d be happy to do even if the other person flaked.

      Rejection sensitive dysphoria is real and it makes us doubt our own worth when the other person simply cannot get all their ducks in a row for whatever reason.

      It’s probably not about you. If you have any acquaintances in common you can ask them and they will probably tell you your friend is “just like that”

      However I also know that the above doesn’t help much when your friend flaked on plans again!

      There is someone who I have a blast with when we do get together but, she has flaked or been radically (hours) late one too many times. I don’t make plans with her without there being a feasible situation if she does fail to show. I won’t subject myself to the hurt. I know she doesn’t do it to be malicious…it’s just her.

      I’ve been blown off by someone who does so to hurt me. I won’t make plans with her either!

      I don’t think you’re too demanding as a friend. I just think the other person might just be flakey and if you can figure out what’s driving it you can make plans that won’t get you hurt…

      When you honor and value friendships with people who don’t exhibit the same values it can be so painful…I’m sorry

    • #131609
      Testingtesting
      Participant

      Thank you AutumnDraidean.

      I can really understand that you choose not to suggest things anymore, it also smart that you do things regardless of whether the person is with you or not. I think I should run your strategy, to stop proposing things. Because I know deep down that if a friend wants to join, then it doesn’t drag on it for as long as forever. Being quiet is probably the new no. I have never heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria and am not sure I suffer from that. I do not experience any problems getting a no, but I do, however, experience problems when I get meet with silence. The unknown is my issue. A friend who is repeating being late time and time again I would not tolerated, as the one you described. It may not be because she wants to be mean, but it is still very disrespectful. Does the person manage to do a job? in that case, it just sounds suspicious and lame. Friendship is very tricky. I thought I was asking for quite little really, but there are clearly others who are requesting even less (being silent).

    • #131610
      AutumnDraidean
      Participant

      Testingtesting, yeah, that one friend who’s radically late has multiple issues of her own that preclude holding down a job. She lives ~300 miles away so day to day she’s not an issue…more like an example.

      The one who blows me off on purpose lives locally and I am polite to her and we laugh, joke and complain when we run across each other. I refer to her in my head as “My Favorite Narcissist.” I will NOT make plans with her and I’m careful what I say around her.

      She figures into why I quit a job(by no means the only reason) and won’t apply to the place she now works.

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