First time Post – Long overdue

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    • #80794

      Hello ADDitude,

      I really dont know where to start, I’ve been following this magazine and its articles for years now. I feel the procrastination and lack of motivation have kept me from posting for help in finding a true answer.

      Some background:

      Going back as far as I could remember, I always had trouble in school, I was born in the US and raised speaking English as my primary language (yet I was placed in ESL for few years which when my parents became aware of this they were furious). I grew up as a stutterer and stammerer and with the attention span of a fly, no matter how hard I tried I was unable to mentally focus and translate what I was reading into an answer/solution. I was placed in remedial math and reading courses most of the years.

      Fast forwarding to high school, I felt no matter how much I tried to understand the subjects at hand I would spend 3-4 days doing nothing but studying and when I shut the book, I wasn’t able to recall the last chapter I read. I was not aware of the ADD/ADHD diagnosis and thought it was constantly ME, that I was not cut out for this…no matter what I did, I could not focus – I could not complete the task at hand – I could not translate or analyze the information in front of me. I would get so furious I would burst into tears of frustration seeing those around me complete these basic tasks so effortlessly. Yet somehow I miraculously graduated high school with a minimal GPA score in the Mid- which is was the most embarrassing thing coming from a South Asian background.

      In College (yes, I had decided to take on this battle as a child of an Indian family – not attending college was not an option). I struggled so terribly I would have to drop courses, otherwise fail, at best making a C or D in the class. I had no motivation to wake up (never did) never had that spark of urgency, I could literally become bed-locked for days. The word would go around campus about Adderall or some other medication which people raved about but I was never into the risk associated with it, at the time I wouldn’t even take something as simple as an Advil. So I continued with the struggles of being an undiagnosed individual (without knowing) of ADD. I say “ADD” although from what i understand is that the new terminology is AD”H”D, but here is the problem, I dont have a single ounce of me that is hyperactive. NONE, NADA, I wish I had a natually hyperactive mind, when I was asked by my girlfriend at the time: “What are you thinking about?” i couldnt help but answer “Nothing, absolutely nothing!” when we would have our late night talks I couldnt maintain deep thoughts or conversations without changing topics 10x over….and one day she was so frustrated that she recommended I see a psyciatrist to see if I was ADD (my now, ex-girlfriend — was an RN in the ER in one of the top tier medical centers in the state.)

      The diagnosis: I was very reluctant but finally agreed to go. Which was the best decision in my life, I was diagnosed and prescribed medication and have continued to see the Doctor consistently for nearly 6 years or so. I was able to become well organized, decided to pursue GRADUATE SCHOOL where I graduated with Honors and a 4.0GPA. While working as a Full-Time Mortgage Banker, I woke up feeling like I had a purpose with a reason to wake up and start marking things off my list. I went from making a janky $38,000 to $186,000 in the most recent 3 years consistently and felt I was unstoppable.

      As a disclosure: I NEVER used the medication for recreational purposes, I took it daily as prescribed by my doctor and that was it.

      Most recently I’ve felt like the medication has not been as effective, I’ve discussed this with my Doctor who has me on the maximum dosage allowable/recommended daily, yet I seem to run out 1 week early sometimes 10 days early and when I’ve set the bar for myself so insanely high with responsibiltiies, task, and everything else that comes along with my personal and work career I feel that me running out early has me falling back into the trap i was stuck in for 24 years of my hell of a life.

      -bed-locked, etc.
      -mentally zoned out
      -inability to transcribe what I am reading (i.e. Tax Returns, study material, client proposals).
      — Suppose this would fall within the lack of dopamine generated by the body to maintain the reward system for finding it “interesting”

      Sound familiar? And again to clarify at this point, None of this was used for recreational use whatsoever. I don’t see this as abusing the medication, considering I get an annual stress test, physical, and full body MRI scans to scope out any early conditions. I come from a family of medical professionals including my dad who was know as an MD equivalent (based on his credentials based in India) As well as my uncle who is a cardiologist and surgeon practicing in the States for over 40 years.

      Understanding that many or all of the prescriptions are schedule II substance per the DEA. I feel like trying to get my prescriptions filled early and not because I feel like it but because I truly need it to function is too much to ask for and at the Mercy of others to make sure my life is not interrupted.

      I am fine with the 1 week of hell I have to deal with when I run short but what I cannot deal with is the responsibilities that are in my hands during that week – I don’t feel withdrawals, simply fall back into my “natural” pre-diagnosis state of mind. WHICH IS MY BIGGEST FEAR that I am having to live with each and every month!

      I understand why it is regulated medication, but when it is being applied to better one’s self why is to difficult for anyone to understand the hindrances and barriers that are also placed on the other end of the spectrum.

      I don’t know what else I can possibly do and thought this would be the place to get some like-minded support other than being called out on being “dependent” when in fact its used solely to ensure a consistent level of productivity and to avoid this pre-diagnosis “mental trap” I was in during my earlier years.

      • This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by amit1gandhi. Reason: change displayname
      • This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Penny Williams.
    • #81759

      You write: “my Doctor who has me on the maximum dosage allowable/recommended daily, yet I seem to run out 1 week early sometimes 10 days early”

      You may say whatever you like, as often as you like, but that statements to me says simply that you are not using the medication as allowed. That translates into “abuse.” I am not judging you here, but though I’m not a “Practitioner” (= PA, ANP or MD) especially these days: All will label you abusive. End of story. Follow directions or cook yourself–and you sound “cooked.”

      I have seen it too many times. My best friend 20 years ago in college got a 69 on a mid-term and the minimum for the program was 70 and was booted out. I could have gone to bat for her but did not because I knew that she was mis-using a med. Be it an anxiolytic like Xanax or an methylphenidate, it’s dancing with the devil and I was not about to enable her.

      Note again here, I am not judging you and all you say may be valid but it is ILLEGAL to misuse a controlled med.

      Also “it the times we are in.” I’m 68 and have severe spinal stenosis. If a nerve root gets traumatized (and it has 3 times) I cannot SIT, not for all the money in the world, as strange as that may sound. But my right leg will not bend and if I force it I’m in an 11 out of a pain scale that ends in 10. Last year, I traveled to Asia, my back had recovered and I was fearful of what would happen if I literally was forced to sit in a seat. I went to my doc who, unfortunately was away, so I saw his replacement.

      This is what I said: “I have severe spinal stenosis and rarely have to take Hydrocodone and….” That was it–that was all I said. He piped in: “We don’t use narcotics, yada, yada, yada, yada… I think I pleased the fellow when I sighed and left. His view: “mission accomplished–taught the addict a lessen.” Here’s the real end of the story: “…and rarely have to take Hydrocodone and would you please write me a script for three (3) Hydrocodone 750 and write the word FILLED over it.”

      I had some leftover. I would only need three for a 30 hour plane trip. I simply wanted a “current” script in case I ran into an over-zealous international agent. I just took what I had in the old bottle and there they sit to this day. I did NOT WANT any. Stupid Doc did not even bother to listen. Welcome to the world of overdose where the problem is Fentanyl analogs. Another reason to NEVER run short.

      • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Kangkung.
      • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Penny Williams.
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