June 26, 2018 at 2:13 pm #87084GunbugParticipant
So, I guess I feel a little silly posting in here, but my nerves have got the best of me and I thought maybe this community could shed some light on the whole situation. I’ve never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, but I’m pretty sure I’ve had it, as I can remember struggling with the symptoms way, way back. I think it really started rearing its head when we started getting homework in elementary school, I’d do great in class but could never force myself to do homework. I’d always start the year strong and able to do it, but my interest would fizzle out quickly. I had to repeat the 9th grade, and I was actually expelled from my first high school. (I never did graduate, just got my GED through the Army, did some college but ended up wasting money and flunking out from not being able to keep up with the work load) Looking back I was always disorganized as a kid, my mother would always ride me about tidying up, but I’d be mid-cleaning and find a toy I hadn’t seen in ages and be off in la la land. I never really had a lot of friends growing up. My social skills were (and still are) rather cringe-worthy. I’d blurt things out, embarrass myself, and go back into my little mental hole to hide. Still, catch myself doing this, interrupting people because I’m afraid I’ll forget something, or completely zoning out in a conversation until they ask me a question and I realize it’s not something worthy of an “mmm-hmmm”. I was tested for autism when I was a kid and apparently that’s not the problem. Although I should probably read those symptoms since my parents decided it was something I needed to be tested for.
Now that I’m an adult (28) did I say that already? Anyway, I’m in serious crazy amounts of debt. I almost always have the money to pay things, but then I put it off until I’m too anxious to even look at the bill and see the late fee or the several months of forgotten payments. My mailbox is always full because I have a hard time owning up to my crap and am literally unable to answer the phone to any number I don’t recognize. Debt collectors are extremely rude. Maybe my problem is anxiety, I dunno. I was diagnosed with depression when I was a kid, but when my therapist realized how the meds were affecting me she took me off of them and I never really went to see her again. My mom was as bad at appointment keeping as I am today.
Kids called me Thumper in high school because my foot was usually thumping away under my desk in school. I can’t stand still. I don’t run around or anything and I have no problem sitting down and watching T.V. but some part of my body is constantly moving. I’m a total scatterbrain, I forget and lose things way too easy. Wallet, phone, keys, important paperwork. I really am a mess. I’m clutzy as all heck, my husband enjoys pointing out that I’m lucky I haven’t accidentally killed myself yet. Haha.
Um, anyway, point of the post I guess is I’m wondering what to expect from my first appointment, she’s a PA (the normal guy is taking a sabbatical, even brain doctors need brain help from time to time). It feels good to write all of this down before I go I guess, so I don’t forget to mention something. I probably have forgotten to mention something anyway. I’m a little scared I’ll be seen as a malingerer. I’ve always felt that way with whatever I end up going to a doctor for though (thank you military medical system). What should I expect from my first appointment? How do I communicate my concerns with her without making it seem like Dr. Google is the end all be all of what’s wrong with me? I don’t want to come off as someone that thinks they know better than a real doctor, but I’m scared she won’t take me seriously.
June 27, 2018 at 12:47 pm #87156JollyParticipant
You got this! Just tell her all of your symptoms, concerns, and worries. Doctors are supposed to take things seriously.
June 27, 2018 at 12:48 pm #87157JollyParticipant
They are there to help you!😃
June 29, 2018 at 12:09 pm #87331ParminterParticipant
Gunbug, How did it go?
It’s all so familiar, the things you describe.
Foot thumping, dreaming, procrastinating, scared of the phone, la-la land, couldn’t get the homework done, all the odd little details….
Do you see that you are judging yourself all the time?
Try to find good things to say about yourself – just because you are not neurotypical does not mean you’re not okay.
WE’re all okay here, just different.
Let us know how it went.
June 29, 2018 at 1:21 pm #87343GunbugParticipant
Hey guys. I want to say thanks to Jolly, I read your responses while I was waiting to see her and they calmed my nerves a bit.
Parminter, yes I’m pretty hard on myself. What’s a self-esteem? Haha. Lazy, stupid, useless, bum. Even with keeping a full-time job I just feel like a failure sometimes. Thankfully I’ve got two people in my life that tend to rub it in my face when I’m being silly and remind me I’m being too hard on myself.
It went really well actually, despite the fact that I was a blubbering mess of word soup, speaking at the speed of light. Somehow she actually listened to me and made sense of what I was saying. I felt like it was really rushed, but surprisingly I was in there the whole hour. She seemed like she knew before I even started telling her. She started me on a low dose of Adderall and I see her in two weeks to talk to her about how that’s going. I was kinda skeptical, like shouldn’t you be giving me CPT tests or something? But I’m glad she didn’t make me go through with it because chances are I’d forget or procrastinate to schedule the testing.
I’m actually on a dose right now and I feel like a sort of calm has washed over me. Things seem more in focus, I just wrote a text to my husband and kind of emotioned all over the place, but in a good way. Some things are still the same, forgetting important things, making small mistakes, still have to force myself to concentrate on what needs to be concentrated on, but my frustration and impatience aren’t there like they used to be. I’m not zoning out in conversations as much as I used to. Which was awesome for work! Part of the reason I really wanted to see someone is because I just can’t keep going there and doing the same monotonous job every day, but yesterday wasn’t as bad. Maybe a placebo effect. Either way I’m excited to see if they keep helping.
I can see there’s still a mountain to climb in figuring out what all this means, starting with getting over the embarrassment and shame. ADHD kids were the “special” kids back in my day, you know? Baking cookies for us to buy at lunch. No one was really mean to them thank goodness, but it was like a classroom full of things you just didn’t talk about.
Kind of in awe of all the years I lived in denial of these symptoms. Just shoved them under the rug with the right words. “lazy” “stupid” “procrastinate” “dementia” etc.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Login