Financial mess and shame

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Shirokuma 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #51268


    I’m a 50 year old male that discovered I had ADD at 46 when my son was diagnosed. I was in shock and then deep remorse. Its taken 4 years for me to get a good understanding of my issues, but it seems far too late. I was already in financial difficulties when I found out, having run up my credit cards after just getting back on track! Arrggh!
    Worse still, I lost my Job and just freaked out and stuck my head in the sand. I couldn’t face going to interviews and entering another environment that I couldn’t cope with, I just cant do it any more. I have completely unraveled. My ADD feels chronic.
    I panicked and started drawing down on my mortgage without telling my wife, I was ashamed and wanted it all to go away. I continued drawing down, telling myself something would come along. But every time I looked at recruitment I just froze in terror.
    I then realized that the money I drew down was in fact the money my wife had put into the mortgage, oh my god, so stupid, I was and am so utterly ashamed and horrified. I wanted to kill myself and still do keep having those thoughts.
    My wife’s biggest issue is money and this is a major screw up, her father ad the same issues and made them bankrupt. I cant believe that I have done this to her, as I love her deeply with all my heart, why couldn’t I get help? I just couldn’t face it.
    I am in utter despair, we have a young son and I love them both but have made such a mess of things. I’ve blown all our money, I am in debt and have no job and I just cant face telling her. Its going to kill her, she has already been having a tough time and I cant bear to hurt her. What have I done? What do I do? How do I go about fixing this and tell her? I am going to lose everything, I love my wife and son deeply and Im going to lose them. I dont think I have the strength left, after years of nightmares I am utterly exhausted. Please HELP me…

  • #51286


    First, please seek help for depression and suicidal thoughts. There’s always a way out, but sometimes we can’t see it ourselves.
    Link to Suicide Prevention Hotline:

    I think it’s important at this point to let your wife know what is going on, and to make a plan together to work out of the situation. The longer you keep the secret, the more damage it will do to both of you.

    Try starting your job search at a career services center that can help you determine your career aptitude. Finding the right type of job for your individual set of strengths and weaknesses can help you over the hurdle of wanting to avoid the “wrong job” pain of your past.

    Here’s more on finding the right work when you have ADHD:

    How to Align Your Career with Your Passions

    Is Your Job Right for You?

    ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  ADHDmomma.
  • #51305


    JuUne 13, 2017
    Dear Sir,
    1. Please immediately speak to the doctor who diagnosed you and if he/she recommends some form of medication, please buy it and take it as prescribed even if you do not have the money, because for some the medication will help you to think better. If you live in a community with free counseling please immediately speak to that counselor if
    he/she has experience dealing with adults with ADHD if for nothing else to vent about the lost years, job loss, money problems today. Please note if medication is recommended be “ready” for a major change in the way you think, much like the movie “Limitless” . For me I had no warning like I have just given to you and because of that I made a big mistake by pointing out to my now former wife things that she wasn’t doing right. As you can guess, she didn’t like that one bit. Personally, I think she took advantage of my ADHD to be cruel to me and years later I am much happier since we divorced.

    2. Perhaps this one “free” easy to read and very interesting book will help you? Richest Man in Babylon,
    My prayers are with you and your family. If your wife has decided to stay with you “even after” your thinking has improved then work with the counselor and her to get a new job and arrange your financial affairs. Quoting D. Michael Abrashoff, former commander, USS Benfold, “problems” do not get better with time! Work hand in hand with your family doctor, psychiatrist, counselor, and your wife as fast as you can and you may still save everything.

    3. Please show this email to your wife so that she will know that other ADHD husbands are rooting for you, your wife, and your family.

    4. NB: my username is what my classmates used to call me in elementary/middle school. I wish I knew then what I know now.

    5. I pray you still have time to save your family which you must dearly love to have had the courage to ask for help in a public forum.

    6. One final thought, you may meet family members and friends who will “deny that you suffer from ADHD” likely out of fear or “guilt”. Forget wasting even a second on trying to change their thinking. I know this from the reaction of my parents and siblings to my wasted hours trying to do this to no avail. Put all of your energy into finding your new job and by your success, your wife and you will become a model for your son of what can happen when two people who love each other work together to solve a life problem that every couple experiences.

    7. God bless you and your family.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  stunned.
  • #51331


    It doesn’t matter what happened in the pass. The most important is what will you do about it in the future.
    I know it is very difficult and sometimes it looks like there is no solution. But never forget, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
    Never forget what an amazing person you are, you made a family, created life. The most beautiful thing in the world.
    You build a house to protect your family from the cold and rain outside. You got a job. You got,… .
    What you created before, it is painful when it is taken away. very very painful and it creates sad and depressing feelings.
    But what you created in the pass, you can create again! Your an amazing person with an amazing potential, but it can be hard.
    Reduce all the expenses you can like stop buying snacks for yourself, just drink tap water and stop eating out.

    Get your AD/HD treated so it will stop limiting you.
    Go outside for walks/runs and think about your new potential what you have with your ADHD treated. Walking is a good exercise that isn’t too intense.
    Read books about anything that interests you. At the library it is for free so it doesn’t trouble your expenses.
    Take a small piece of paper and write the things you done well in life. The moments people praised your work and help, the things you done well for your family, … .
    If your religious pray, I am not religious so I prefer to watch nature. Plant a seed in the soil and see how this small little seed becomes a big plant or tree.
    Did you know, most seeds stay 30-40-50+ years in the soil before it finds the best moment to grow?
    You are like these seeds. We waited long before the moment of our diagnosis and treatment. But now its time to slowly grow out of your seed and grow to your potential.
    There are many different jobs out there that can help you. If you failed one interview, sad but there are many others.

    I can not wish you luck or prays but I think YOU make your own wishes and luck.
    Do your best, your an amazing person, never forget that!

    Greetings from somebody who also troubles his own family a lot.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  Shirokuma.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  ADHDmomma.
  • #51339


    Thank you for all your words of support, you are very kind. I’m really struggling with the fact I am in this situation again in life, waiting for impending doom. When it gets to this point its like all the scenarios now enter my field of focus and I think “oh my god, what have I done?”, it feels like their is someone else that takes over and screws my life. Im not avoiding responsibility, Im just saying its not me. The real me is horrified and cant bear it. I don’t know what takes over me and then I have to lie and avoid and deny to survive what I have done. How do I phrase this to my wife? How do I actually tell her, Im freaking out and my mind just locks up when I think about it and I just want to run away.

    I will try and sit with your advise and take it in. But Im hurting and I truly cannot bear to hurt my wife again, she deserves better. I know its going to bad and Im scared that I will lose everything and end up on the street and never see my wife an son again. Life is too hard for me, I struggle so much and Im so tired.
    I feel such a fraud, so dishonest and at the same time Im so loving and caring, how does that work. I truly love my wife with all my heart – why have I done this, fear, shame, madness, I honestly don’t get it? And I don’t know how to tell her, cant do anymore broken hearts.

    Thank you all, Im really grateful for your support.

  • #51342


    June 14, 2017

    Dear Sir,

    1. Q. “why have I done this, fear, shame, madness, I honestly don’t get it? And I don’t know how to tell her, cant do anymore broken hearts.”
    A. “I’m a 50 year old male that discovered I had ADD at 46 when my son was diagnosed.”

    In sum, you were just diagnosed 4 years ago. This diagnosis is a very tough pill to swallow! You did not choose to have ADHD. You did not choose to lose your job. You did your very best under extreme conditions, but you still have time if you act today! If medication is recommended the sooner you start your drug trial the better because in my case it took me 3 years to find the correct dosage level while going through a very trying divorce. Because you are still married you will likely learn what works ten times as fast!

    2. Q. “I will try and sit with your advise and take it in.”
    A. Actually, I strongly recommend that you immediately react to my advice to save what you have. So if your family doctor recommends medication then ask him/her for an “immediate” referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD and get into his/her office by the end of this week on an “emergency” basis. Bring a printout of your article and the comment section with you, plus the financial documents, and ask the psychiatrist to start with the best version of the medication” you will need. Take only the “name brand” because the way the pill is glued together will disperse better than the cheaper generic version. (Source was a psychologist with an expert knowledge in kids with ADHD and she herself had ADHD as well.) Your goal right now is to be able to fight a forest fire with the absolute best equipment until the forest fire is out.

    3. Q. “I’m really struggling with the fact I am in this situation again in life, waiting for impending doom.”
    A. “I’m a 50 year old male that discovered I had ADD at 46 when my son was diagnosed.”

    – Please do not wait, but react and immediately see the recommended professionals.
    – What I am trying to tell you is simply this:
    – Before you were diagnosed at age 46 you adapted as best you could.
    – Today your doctor has just given you a “second chance” at a better life.
    – But, unless you do something “today” you will not have the opportunity to find out:
    (a) that your wife really loves you;
    (b) that your wife will honor her marriage vows, in “sickness” and in “health”;
    (c) that every caring ADHD adult wants both of you to succeed in your hour of need to create a much better future for yourselves and your son;
    (d) this is most important that “you were not to blame” for the financial mess you are in at this moment,
    but if you “stall” on this especially after I have shared significant life experience with you I will have failed to save a caring husband and father!
    – Acting on my recommendations will take a ton of courage under very trying circumstances.
    – I am going to make an assumption here and give you an idea of where you can get a job today. I am going to assume that your health is still good. So find out immediately what you need to do from your doctor or psychiatrist, then take the minimum courses to become an entry level laborer job and get even a day laborer job to get cash coming into your bank account. Second, immediately speak to a counselor about your financial situation and get an immediate referral from him/her to the appropriate professional to deal with your credit card debt and mortgage debt.
    – Your ADHD combined with the immediate treatment will give you the absolute best tools to deal with this crisis, but if you stall you will prevent your wife from helping
    the man she loves in “your” hour of need.

    4. Q.”And I don’t know how to tell her, can’t do anymore broken hearts. … it feels like their is someone else that takes over and screws my life. Im not avoiding responsibility, Im just saying its not me. The real me is horrified and cant bear it. I don’t know what takes over me and then I have to lie and avoid and deny to survive what I have done. How do I phrase this to my wife?”

    A. No problem, just bring her with you to the family doctor and other professionals and “they” will explain to her that you are not faking your difficulties, that she needs to immediately understand your situation and provide the maximum support to you in “your hour of need”, that if she chooses to act that the whole family wins. She can also ask me questions through this forum or off-forum by asking the moderator to send your email address to me which I give consent to do by this post.

    Example: If your wife was just diagnosed with diabetes would you tell her to eat all the desserts she wants or would you work with her doctor to “immediately” modify her diet, get the insulin she needs, and provide moral support until her blood sugar level is stabilized. If she does not get the appropriate medical care she will become blind and ….

    Your situation is no different! You need to immediately find the appropriate treatment and she needs to provide as much support as possible. The reason I recommended a labor job is because many people don’t like to be outside in tough weather situations, but if you do not have the education to get a professional job then it is the easiest way to get back to work. If you tell me what city you live in and the education you have I can probably recommend jobs you could look at. If you have any friends now is the time to call on every favor to get immediately back to work. Call in every favor you can from your immediate family, siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, even the mailman. When the crisis is over take them out for an amazing meal. Tomorrow they could need your help and they will know that they can count on you because they were there to help in your hour of need.

    NB: In my hour of need my immediate family and parents “refused” to accept the diagnosis and because of that in my hour of need they abandoned me. Perhaps you are part of a loving family and will not have to suffer on your own. Despite the hell I went through on my own the medication I was given “saved” me and today I am remarried in my own home, my kids have their own families, own homes, good careers, because I got the “help I needed”. To clarify this matter even more, my former wife learned the hard way that the ADHD I suffer from “combined” with the medication resulted in me obtaining sole custody of my kids! It was the same ADHD that she refused to accept that gave me the ability to keep at it under very trying circumstances that those who do not suffer from ADHD would have given up years before. Had she loved me the same ADHD combined with the medication would have allowed her to not need to be in the major financial mess she is in today! My only debt today is my mortgage. In her case today a large mortgage, a vehicle lease, massive house rent, two young high needs children from a failed second relationship, failing health, a job she “must work at” that she hates, a weight gain in excess of 80 lbs, and a “stress level” ten times worse than before my diagnosis!

    5. Please act and get the medical care you need by the end of this week. In my case, the effect of the medication I was given was so dramatic that it was as if I had been blind my entire life and then I could see for the first time. The treatment you will receive will help you get a job, will help you deal with your credit card debts and mortgage debt, and will help you with your social skills. This last part is really important because my former associates took advantage of my situation and I had no clue at all that they were doing that. Today the medication protects me and does not allow others who wish to be mean to me in a subtle way to get away with it!

    6. Please take the next step even thou you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will need an element of faith to do this. You have more going for you than you realize and I pray that this post gives you the hope you need to take the next step with your wife at your side.

    7. What you do today will not only help you, but it will also give major relief for your wife, because remember your son was “also” diagnosed with ADHD. A lot of her energy will be focused on helping him succeed. Now is your opportunity to teach your son what he needs to do to never be in the situation you are today. You have just saved him probably 30 years of suffering and your efforts today will ensure that he can follow all his dreams because he was given the “medical” help he was needed.

    8. I hope you take that medical help today and by the end of this year have got a good handle on all of your financial problems! Remember you still have 15 years of work available to you today!

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