Finally I can make sense of it

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones Finally I can make sense of it

This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Penny Williams 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #119512

    sophie369
    Participant

    Hi all
    Came across this earlier today and it’s been a godsend. To see that other people are going through what I am is a relief. I suspect my partner has ADD and he thinks he has it too. His parents have often spoken about their difficulties with him as a child (red flags now of ADHD) but they are unaware this could be down to ADHD. Due to not being able to sleep, and his mind always going 100mph, at a very young age he started smoking weed and drinking. 20 years later and this rules his life. He is on anti depressants and really believes he has depression – doesn’t think it’s linked to his substance abuse. On the ADD side of things I feel like I have another child to look after in the house (we have 2 kids between us). Hes disorganised and constantly loses things, doesn’t ‘see’ when things need doing (he could be using the bin, see it needs emptying and not think to do it) – which I’m sometimes not sure if it’s laziness instead. The main things are he has zero empathy, none at all. Which makes the relationship very hard. He won’t be told what to do, even around the house he thinks I’m like his mum but naturally I think he behaves like a child. He is very immature, loses his temper very easily and has a lot of pent up anger. When he wants to do something he focuses on it but when it’s something he doesn’t want to do (for example jobs around the house) he has zero interest. He’s a kind person but there is a lot of stuff going on there. He thinks being on antidepressants is the answer but I think he needs to get to the root cause. I’m self aware, he is not. He has spoken about getting diagnosed but wouldn’t want to get any help for it. It would be great to chat to anyone else going through the same!

  • #119513

    sophie369
    Participant

    Also he lies, always has since I met him and at the beginning it didn’t seem a big deal and I made excuses. Now I feel I don’t deserve to be lied to, honestly and integrity are 2 of my core values but we’re not aligned at all with that. If I confront him he’ll play it down as being little lies, and make out it’s weird that I let it get to me. I’ve tried to explaining that to me they’re big lies and they hurt me.

  • #120030

    Penny Williams
    Keymaster

    Unfortunately, nothing can change until he wants it to. As long as his mind is closed to the idea that there’s more than depression, nothing you say or do will likely make any difference.

    The good news is that he thinks he has ADHD. Would he be open to reading about ADHD? Something that could help him recognize some things in himself possibly… like “Driven to Distraction,” “You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid?,” or “The ADHD Effect on Marriage.” Don’t tell him he has to read something. Just leave it lying around the house. All of those books would be a good read for you as well.

    Secrets of Your ADHD Brain

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.