March 9, 2019 at 7:01 pm #110691jlb83Participant
I would love to know if any of you have conflicting feelings, especially shortly after diagnosis. I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD-C. And the past few months I had a strong feeling I was going to get this diagnosis. But a part of me just wanted to continue … I guess, suppressing the parts of me I’ve suppressed for so many years because I didn’t know how to be myself without feeling ashamed and frustrated.
After I got the official diagnosis (I get so frustrated and bored with EVERYTHING even the tests I had to do given to me by the neuropsychologist really annoyed me lol), I feel like I should kind of relax now. I don’t know. As I said, I have a mix of feelings. I feel like I really do want to try to focus on stuff, get things done, feel a sense of accomplishment in something for once in my life.
But there’s that part of me that feels that inner child wanting to come out again. I am extremely inwardly hyper that I fidget a lot, get very exasperated and frustrated at the drop of a pin just because I can’t do what I want to do damnit! To get that stimulation, I have to do a number of things. Seriously, I was afraid of how I’d look to my spouse and others so I wouldn’t do such things, but I need to always be doing something with my hands, walk around a lot, pace, rock back and forth, read books, play phone games, listen to music, have someone to be there to listen to me when I want to chew someone’s ear off, scribble stuff down in a notebook because my mind won’t shut up, etc… all at the same time! lol And if anyone interrupts me in the space I create for myself so I could be properly stimulated, I go from happy to really annoyed and short with people in a matter of seconds.
I was ashamed that sometimes I felt like such a child, so immature. Impatient, frustrated easily, have difficulty regulating emotions and therefore have a lot of inappropriate emotional responses in many situations. But I just want to be FREE to be me now. Suppressing myself has been very, very miserable. I became depressed and anxious many times in my life just because I felt like I didn’t know who I was, or I did kind of know, but I didn’t know how to be myself in a world that would judge me for being me.
Since I have yet to find the right medication combination(s) for myself with my doctors, I am dealing with this the only way I know how… and that is, to continue just doing everything that stimulates me. Unfortunately, that means skipping classes a LOT, doing homework until the very very last minute, so that I can make time to do the things I want to do, which is write a lot, read a lot, play with my cats, jam out to my tunes, watch Netflix (has to be something funny, ’cause I love to laugh)… So yeah, I am having trouble functioning like a “normal, productive” adult. I am definitely passing my classes, in fact, I am more than just passing (the neuropsychologist said to me, “You are really smart, but your intelligence only got you so far. You can’t get by anymore this way.” *sigh*), but I am making the absolute most minimal effort.
Please tell me I’m not alone! I feel silly but at the same time… I just want to feel happy and comfortable wherever I am, whatever I’m doing.
March 9, 2019 at 9:18 pm #110693RanmaParticipant
No! You most definitely are not alone. (Hug)
I too want to be happy comfortable and carefree to do what I want when I want.
But unfortunately this world doesn’t understand us, please forgive me I don’t mean to upset you in any way, but with my experiences getting diagnosed was a relief at first, getting meds was great at first.
At first when I got my diagnosis of A.D.H.D. inattentive type I was relieved, I now had actual legitimate proof of why I’m different from everyone.
Unfortunately because of ignorance and misinformation, I am afraid of letting anyone know I’m A.D.D. I was using a calculator for some simple(for everyone but me) math, and a man verbally attacked me when I explained I have A.D.D. and math is very difficult for me, among many other things.
Yes medication is effective for me up to a point, but because I don’t have anyone that’s understanding to help me, I have more and better focus, But without help I still get bored, distracted and sidetracked, It just takes longer before it happens.
I have to put on a persona at work and around family (which can get very difficult) because I can get very emotional, I don’t think I’m immature but I can be extremely childish which is embarrassing. I also have to hide some of what I enjoy like magna, anime, cartoons, drawing fan art and reading and writing fan fiction, because no one understands.
Sorry if I’ve rambled and now off topic, so I’ll stop here because I’m not good at writing either, and my mind starts to wander, you know, A.D.D.
March 10, 2019 at 2:45 pm #110709jlb83Participant
Thanks for the response. Your response did not upset me, because there is always that part of me that knows there will always be a lot of judgmental people out there, including those who want to pick on us or make us feel like we are just ditzy/dumb/clumsy/airheaded/addicts/crazy etc etc. That’s why I’m thankful for small communities like this! Here, we are not judged.
I understand what you mean about not wanting to tell people. I have always been of the mind that it is important to speak out about our issues so that we can reach out to those who are suffering in silence. Also I want to play a small part in destroying all the stigma and ignorance surrounding this condition. But I also know that there a lot of times when we may need to protect ourselves. Of course, no one wants to be harassed for something that can’t be helped.
I hope you do find the help you need. Medication alone won’t help, as you know. You need a larger, stronger support system. Without that, our symptoms will remain as they are, and we will continue to suffer. I too am trying to find my support system. Thankfully, I have moved on to new healthcare providers at Columbia University Medical Center (I live in New York City… my goodness, imagine someone like us, living in NYC! It’s a nightmare I tell you. I have dreams every single day of leaving this chaotic place, it is torture to be here 🙁 ), and I am happy with my new psychiatric NP and neuropsychologist, who are working together to help me, and they will likely give me some resources and connect me to support groups. It takes a lot of time and patience (which for many of us, are abstract concepts lol), but I don’t know… we’ve got to keep going.
I am also glad to find someone else here who admits to struggling with emotions. I mean, I wish it wasn’t so hard for us but, there you go. I am glad someone can commiserate. I feel like a child! Again, I know this isn’t our fault, but I was always so used to getting mad at myself for flying off the handle at things everyone else would find minor. And I dwell on the stupidest things… *sigh* Dealing with the emotions is probably one of the hardest things for me. The ups and downs…. they take a toll. They make me very tired.
Anyway, again thanks for the response! I hope you also find this community at least slightly helpful 🙂
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