Father or bully?

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  smkp76 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #87598

    smkp76
    Participant

    My husband is ADD and he does not take care of it, needless to say it’s not easy in my house. Anyways has anyone else had issues with a spouse who antagonizes their child? My daughter is 3 and my husband seems to have a goal of making her cry kick and scream like every day. Sometimes it’s like he gets a rise out of it, and it’s not just playful teasing bc he keeps at at her to the point she is in tears screaming and kicking. Then I have to intervene and make it stop and then he gets all attitude at me and basically tells the both of us to piss off and says “Well she can’t act like that”. I can’t stand this dynamic and I don’t know how to handle it.

  • #87615

    JBoom
    Participant

    He is getting a rise out of it, but probably not conscious of the fact. ADHDers are seekers of stimulation in any way they can get it, which is why stimulant medication is effective. It gives the brain what it’s looking for without it having to be extreme behavior.

    Sounds like you two are not on the same page in raising your child, and that only hurts your child. Perhaps start with that conversation.

  • #87606

    I’m curious about why you think it’s the ADD that causes him to antagonize your daughter. It could be. It’s possible that it is because of problems with impulse and the need for drama to feed the need for an adrenaline rush. It’s also possible that your husband has unrelated issues such as the need to be controlling. Or maybe his father was like that. Or maybe he enjoys being a jerk. It might be the ADD. It might not be. I would recommend that he – or the both of you – get counselling and if he refuses, then you have to take control and take a stand. Let him know that you will not tolerate his behavior.

    “Well, she can’t act like that? Neither can you. She’s three. You’re the adult. You’re the one that’s supposed to know better.”

  • #87623

    ADHDmomma
    Keymaster

    If you husband was raised with a super-authoritarian father, that could explain at least some of it. I’ve heard, “well, s/he can’t act like that” before as well. Parents who were raised themselves in a do-it-or-else environment are kind of programmed that way, and it takes a lot to undo it.

    I would suggest books, or sitting down and drawing up a parenting plan together, but if he sees no need to change, he won’t be willing to work at it. If you could get him to family counseling or a parent training (like the Triple P program) that could be really helpful.

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #87645

      smkp76
      Participant

      Interesting point, supposedly his mom was the authoritarian and “she didn’t take any crap”. There is something to this point for sure, he flips out on me any time I ask him to pitch in and help, he says that I just want to tell him what to do like I’m the boss.

    • #87646

      smkp76
      Participant

      Well he was ADD as a kid, he’s still got many signs and symptoms. And yeah He is a jerk but I feel like much of the frustration and anxiety he has leads to poor behavior.

    • #87662

      ADHDmomma
      Keymaster

      ADHD doesn’t go away. It’s a physiological difference in the brain. If he had ADHD as a child, he has it now, and always will.

      Is he open to treatment as an adult? It could make a big difference.

      It sounds like he has a poor self-image and a lot of anxiety and shame around perceived short-comings. People often lash out when trying to hide their vulnerabilities because it takes the focus off of them.

      This article may have many ah-ha’s for you:

      How ADHD Ignites Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • #87863

    smkp76
    Participant

    Not sure how open my husband is to treatment because he refuses to speak to a counselor in any sense. He may consider medicine since he was medicated at some points when he was a kid. What is the appropriate way to get an adult diagnosis and typical treatment plan?

  • #88011

    gardslynn
    Participant

    I can relate. It’s interesting enough- I thought it was just my husband. He has ADHD, as well as my 4 year old son, newly diagnosed. The few days a month I get of peace (meaning the day wasn’t too awful, stimulus is low, behavior is manageable), husband comes home from work and it all goes to hell in a hand basket. Its awful, we’ve discussed our parenting and discipline styles and what works and what doesn’t. The p.h. D. who diagnosed my son discussed with him as well more effective methods. He bullys my niece too, to an awful point and does not see how harmful his words are to a teenage girl. Its embarrassing and talking about it gets us pretty much nowhere. More arguments. My son has no respect for his father, his niece fears him. I can go to therapy and manage my anxiety but for my husband he has no problem and doesn’t find it something that needs addressed. I know ADHD can cause very short tempers and anger issues, so i try to give him some grace. But again, I get help for my weaknesses. It’d be nice if he did the same. Hang in there. You’re not alone.

    • #88141

      smkp76
      Participant

      Thank you!

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