Exhausted but not done trying

[Serialserious]

I am new to the forum. I sought this out after a long discussion with my husband this morning about how he feels like a failure and doesn’t know why he can’t just do x, y, and z. I am at a loss to help him as I am just at the end of my rope with everything. At the same time I am not done trying, if that makes any sense.

My husband and I met as teenagers and had been on and off again since 4 years ago when we married. All together we have been together for 15 years. His spontaneity and silliness was great fun when we were young. As many women, I expected more seriousness in the relationship when we got married; saving money, helping with the housework, etc. This did not happen.
Several months ago he was dx ADHD and started adderall. It has helped his mental focus but he still can’t follow through with routines, even to develop them. He has lists, calendars, a notebook, but doesn’t use them. I mother him daily to get him to do anything. The only time he does it on his own is when I’m angry.

How do I help him? Or come to a better mental place myself where I don’t care so much?
I guess I just need to know I’m not alone and that I’m not a terrible person for not having infinite sympathy for his struggles.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

[SrH]

I understand exactly what you are going through as my husband is the ADD’er. We literally just got into it again today and i am just so fed up. I’m tired of the parent child marriage we have. I hate that roll. I want a equal partnership and it just isn’t going to happen. He has his cell phone that has all his reminders, but I have to constantly be on him to do it all.
I understand your anger and frustration. We as the non Add’er need to practice less anger and more compassionate and sympathy. It is extremely hard. As some days are going to be good and some bad. We need to o remind ourselves why we stay, why we love them and how we can help instead of hurt.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by SrH.

[Penny Williams]

Here are some great articles on marriage and ADHD, which offer some useful strategies and the validation that you’re not alone in this.

The Honeymoon’s Over. The Marriage Ain’t.

9 Ways ADHD Ruins Marriages

Loving Someone with ADHD Is Easy…

Penny
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

[conchuet]

Get used to being neglected. If your comfortable there and in unconditional love….go for it. if not move on

[warrior89]

I am in the same situation. I love how you put it-I expected more seriousness in the marriage. That is so true. I was just thinking that the other day-I wish I was married to an adult (we are both in our 40’s). I can’t have a serious conversation with him because he is always making jokes, I think it’s a defense mechanism or something. And I think another part of the problem is, he really doesn’t want to be an adult. His ADHD aside (he’s been on meds for 4 years and I honestly don’t notice any difference), I think he doesn’t want to be involved, to help raise the kids, to make decisions about the house or finances. I think he wanted a mother when he got married even though we lived together first and I was not like a mother then so I don’t know why he would expect that after we got married. I feel like the thinks his only role is to provide financially. Which fortunately he is able to do. He may be present but he is not a father or a husband. I am raising our kids on my own. And he truly sees nothing wrong with that.

[Serialserious]

Warrior, yes. My husband and I, more accurately I, have decided not to have children bc of his ADHD. He doesn’t even help with the dogs and I refuse to be a single parent with a spouse.

[Author]

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