Engaged and on the verge of a breakdown

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Allygee05 3 days, 1 hour ago.

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  • #51511

    Allygee05
    Participant

    I have been with my now fiance for 9 years. Our wedding is in November and i am falling apart. He was diagnosed ADHD as a child and he displays every symptom of an adult suffering with ADHD. I am a special ed teacher and I try to help him but nothing works. He is moody ALL of the time! As soon as he walks in the door from work I can greet him with a smile and dinner, and he will yell and complain about the smell of the food. I recently lost weight and thought maybe all the extra pounds I put on was having a negative effect on our sex life, and now he still doesn’t touch me. I feel very lonely in this relationship. I waited so long to be engaged. If I try to tell him he needs to see someone and he feels this way because of his ADHD he goes bananas on me. He will yell and call me crazy. I don’t even have the energy to fight anymore. No matter what I do it isn’t enough. Anyone else feel this way? I found this group because I need help in handeling how lonely this relationship is for me. He does anything and everything to help his family but could give a shit about me. I love how he cares for his family, and i’ve explained that I am now his family as well. I want this to work but I have a gut feeling it isnt going to work, and after 9 years I will have a broken engagement and be 30 and single. Ive waited my entire 20s to call this man my husband. It’s exhausting loving someone more than they love you. Thanks for listening.

  • #51525

    ADHDmomma
    Keymaster

    Unfortunately, people don’t change unless THEY want to. You can try to help, and talk until you’re blue in the face, but if he doesn’t see a problem and make an effort to address it, nothing will change.

    Is he getting treatment for his ADHD? That could help both of you individually and as a couple.

    The book The ADHD Effect on Marriage could help:

    “I Don’t Feel Loved Anymore”

    9 Ways ADHD Ruins Marriages

    If you’re having these thoughts now, I’d strongly think about you’re upcoming wedding plans. It’s better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself and miserable.

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • #51548

    CherB
    Participant

    So this is the first time I am on these forums…your particular post just seems all to familiar. I am married 9 years, dated for 2 years before that, my husband was diagnosed as an adult 2 years ago (2015) – your story sounds like my life story for the past 6-7 years of our marriage. It all started to become apparent after our kids were born, the drastic change in our life made it his symptoms worse. It was therapy or divorce, he chose therapy. It took 3 therapist and 1 year later for him to actually be diagnosed and medicated, 2 more therapist and one short separation, now we have been with our current couples therapist for a little over a year. We are STILL working and its hard to forgive and forget (my biggest issue). So Penny is right, he has to take responsibility for his own actions – you can no longer “help” him. Start helping yourself and you will be much happier.. If he is not willing to get the help he needs then I am sorry you will never succeed or you will end up like me a year ago questioning my sanity, depressed, angry and falling apart. What changed it is seeing my poor girls shudder in fear for their fathers outburst (never physical), thinking this was normal life, I will NOT let my girls grow up thinking any person should be treated this way! So my husband is now in the process of finding a ADHD Coach (it has been 2 months since he said he will find one), so I am hopeful and unfortunately cautious..

    I am not one to judge at all and my life is STILL not great – work in progress, I think. I am still searching for much needed answers and constantly ask myself why am I doing this.. I do suggest is see the warning signs before you take that big step, don’t marry just because society conforms us to believe we should be by this age.

    Hopefully yet unfortunately you can find comfort in knowing you aren’t alone, I know I just did…

  • #51658

    Allygee05
    Participant

    Thank you ladies for your quick responses. My problem is my fiance does not blame any of his symptoms on his ADHD. He sadly thinks he outgrew ADHD, but I am a special ed teacher and have told him numerous times that he can’t outgrow it and that he displays the symptoms. I truly think that this is why we have lasted so long because I have patience with him like I do my students. I am well aware it is a disbility, but he refuses to get help. He does not think he needs therapy at all. All he does is call me “dramatic” and a “drama queen.” I left him a note the other night that I wouldn’t be home. I checked myself into a hotel and truely enjoyed the alone time and peace and quiet. He did’t appreciate me ignoring his calls, so he called my parents and they called me frantic. All I told them was I am overwhelmed wedding planning and I just needed a break because we’re on each others nerves. I never bad mouth him to my family because they’ll never forget. And now tonight he wont come to my sisters birthday dinner because he doesn’t want to see my parents. His family has terrible communication skills, and when they’re angry they just decide to not speak to each other. My family is the opposite. I let him know last night that I am beyond miserable! That I don’t feel loved and that I would rather be 30 and alone and have to start over, then get married and have a miserable life. I don’t know what else I can do. I feel so embarassed. 9.5 years of dating, and we have to possibly call it quits 4 months before our wedding? HOW PATHETIC AM I?!

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