End of my rope

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    • #55507

      I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years, 17 of which he has taken medication for ADD. He has primarily taken adderall, but has tried vyvanse and concerta, both of which did not go well. Over the years, his lack of empathy and propensity towards meanness has been apparent, but his behavior over the past few years has become aggressive. He was recently seen by a psychiatrist that placed him on a mood stabilizer. They are leaning towards a bipolar diagnosis, with sociopathic tendencies, and depression, along with poorly managed ADD. That being said, I love him very much, but I am done. I want him to be well, but I know that I can never feel the same about him due to the damage that has been done over the years. Sadly, our teen children feel much the same way. I am struggling with what to do next. He isn’t able to even live on his own at this point (at least until he stabilizes). Anyone been through this?

    • #55610

      Hello Amah27,
      It seems to me you’ve made a choice, but are unsure how to follow through now. You want to move forward to a new positive life for yourself and children, a life you can all enjoy, where you’re not walking on eggshells all the time, with every moment thinking about how someone will react, and perhaps how violently. Will it be ok this time? How bad will it be this time? You can wait until he stabilizes, but he hasn’t done so in 21 years. He very likely won’t. Even on meds to manage all the brain-chemical issues – his psyche is already programed to react without thinking, his way of seeing the world. You need out of this. There has to be an attorney whose handled these sorts of cases, who can give you options for seeing to his care, while you reclaim your life and your kids’ lives, away from his influence, so that you can decide your next step – and what you want your new life to look like. I’m praying to the universe for you, because the universe doesn’t want anyone to be in this state. Negative only begets negative. I wish you the best. ~ CatMa

    • #55772

      I read your post with complete empathy and compassion as I live such a similar life (sans children). I have been married for 32 years and still reel from the verbal abuse and threats of physical abuse often seemingly unprovoked and for no obvious reason. We continually are in counseling and my husband also takies Adderall. Today he actually became enraged during our counseling session. Like your husband, mine truly couldn’t survive on his own. I love my husband too and like you, feel at my wit’s end. After a while, I too feel so void and incapable of feeling much respect for him.
      I wish you much peace and well being. Your post brought me comfort on a day that I sorely needed it.
      — Angie

    • #58219

      Hello, Amah27,

      My husband was at his worst several years ago. I loved him but was at the end of my rope. I was going to divorce him. When we separated I didn’t see how he could manage on his own. He did. His lifestyle was not my lifestyle, but he managed. Whatever diagnosis your husband gets, it may or may not be accurate. Whatever you do, he may or may not ‘get better’. My husband eventually got the help he needed, and we are back together. I do not feel the same about him due to terrible things he has done, but I still love him, and he is different now. You may see I occasionally post about my frustrations with my husband, but mostly things are good. All you can do is take care of yourself and your children, getting whatever help and support you and they need, help your husband as you can without being ‘co-dependent’, and hope for the best.

      All the best,

    • #72567

      Hi posters –

      I’m the ADD husband. For years, I thought ADD was just a ‘focus’ issue. I was unaware (ignorant?) of the other symptoms that go with the diagnosis. Things were really bad for us about a year ago. With me, my general way of dealing with this was to ‘shut down’ – I was especially unaware of the internalized shame that is such a benchmark of ADD. When my wife said she was ready to separate, it was like train hitting me. As many of you said, she still loved me – she just couldn’t deal with my behavior anymore. I have taken Concerta for 15 yrs (diagnosed at 35), and thought that would ‘fix’ this. I was wrong. Since that time, I’ve gotten into treatment, and that combination seems to be working well.

      What struck me about your posts (esp Angie’s) was the fact that you all stated that you still loved your spouses. Again, as the ADD spouse you have no idea how much that means to hear – it’s the thing that kept me pushing forward (as hard as that was for me). While we still love each other, it’s different now; but we’ll hit 25 years of marriage this year. I’m so grateful for my wife – and to hear of spouses like you! While the aggressive behaviors are unacceptable and must be confronted/addressed, knowing we’re loved can go a long way towards treatment/repairing/reconciling. I check these boards regularly, so I hope things in your relationships go the way you hope and need for them to go…



    • #85066
      Old lady

      I married in 1962. My husband died in 2001. I have two sons. Husband was and sons are extremely high IQ. My husband came from a very dysfunctional family as his father probably was hyper based on information. I thought all the problems were because of that. My older son was kicking for 15 minutes at a stretch in the womb and I later learned that is a sign. At that time no one knew what hyper was. I tried counseling, went to ACLD meetings. He was finally diagnosed by a pediatric neurologist when he was about 3-1/2. Before that I jokingly said playpens were to be used upside down and wondered why high chairs weren’t equipped with magnetic cups and plates. Lived through all of the problems, personal and school, others have had. My husband had all of the symptoms of what is now known as Adult ADD. My older son was full blown with a minimal learning disability when young and now is Adult ADHD. The younger son just has some minor characteristics of ADHD. When symptoms aren’t present they are decent, mature, moral individuals. But those symptoms are so hard to work with.

      Why am I at the end of my rope? I’m 78 with health problems. My older son has lived at home because of severe IBS his whole life and nothing worked, so he couldn’t work. He went on disability about ten years ago. I took care of all of the family problems and worked for 20 years full time. Both sons refuse to even think they have ADHD though I’ve tried talking with them. My older son is emotionally very abusive. I know it is difficult for a grown male to live at home as males need to be off in the world learning and making their own mistakes. Recently he went through a stage three cancer problem and I ended up driving him to radiation and chemo as well as to therapy and other doctor visits. It hurts to know how much I’ve done over the years and continue to do without seeing any appreciation. Everything is taken for granted and the demands don’t stop. Although I have interests to divert me, there are no friends or family members close outside of my sons. Like many older people, I’ve kept personal complaints private. The older son has been in counseling for years, but he uses it as an excuse to vent which he also does to anyone who will listen. I’ve gone into severe depression at this point. I tried counseling, but when the counselors don’t know what ADHD is it’s useless. There is no point to driving an hour each way just to vent.

      I know what adult ADHD is. I learned much from Is It You Me Or Adult ADD? I read the articles. I know where the problems, emotions, etc. are coming from, but I’m still at the end of my rope.

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