December 20, 2019 at 6:21 am #136953
I have been wondering about my mental state these past few months and I want to think if what I do is OK or I have developed any mental/personality disorders.
I know that this message board is no substitute for a Psychiatrist/Psychologist or insert your Expert here, but still I would like to hear/read an opinion from other people who also have ADHD which might help me find some similarities.
I believe ADHD is a gift but a very hard gift to handle. I would like to start with a very short story about my life so far and at the end of this post I will share with you what troubles me.
I am 31 years old and I live in Greece.
Unfortunately, studies in ADHD are very behind in Greece and most teachers as of 2019 or school experts cannot diagnose/suspect that the children may have ADHD and they tend to mistreat children due to their Hyperactivity and resort to slapping children in their faces, giving them bad grades due to their behavior (even if they got high scores in their exams) and they point their fingers at “bad students” which become the laughing stock of their classmates and they are the main targets of bullies.
Mistreating ADHD students will cause them personality, psychological and mental issues and may prone to addictions such as drugs, alcohol, food, video games or whatever may cause satisfaction and cause the release of dopamine as an escape from the reality and the bad mistreatment. Bad mistreatment will also cause ADHD students to have false impressions of themselves and misbelief. If everyone is telling them that they are bad students, they will unfortunately believe it in the end and will stop trying to get better in their lives and also, of course will have low self esteem. Some addictions like alcohol and drugs are irreversible, there is no remedy for them and will cause other issues.
I know all of this, because I was a bad student and I was lucky in my bad luck, I chose subconsciously to get addicted to video games, I never studied, and I was playing role playing games. Role playing games have lore, scenario, you are in control of a hero who tries to save/destroy the world. As an escape from my harsh reality, I chose to be in a different world.
Those video games had also their ups on my daily life, in order to beat those role video games, you have to use strategy, understand where you have to go and what choices to make. Since my native Language is Greek, I had to play video games with an English-Greek dictionary (we didn’t have Internet back then), I learned English from playing video games and obtained problem solving skills.
Video Games also made me learn about the I.T. World. I was playing video games on my computer and my computer was not high-end on its specifications and unfortunately my computer was not able to handle all those video games. I studied, researched and learned more about computers with whatever little skills I had back then and was able to play those games I wasn’t able to and reached a point where at the age of 15 I was competing with IT Professionals in knowledge.
When I was 21, I had to study a very bad written book in order to get a professional certificate in I.T.. That certificate is similar with CompTIA in Greece. It was my first time studying something I didn’t like. Please note I never studied anything in middle & high school years.
Studying that book, was causing me overwhelming frustration and I had some side effects such as remembering things from my childhood, wasn’t able to study more than 20 minutes straight and it was then that I started asking experts and they told me that I had ADHD.
I got officially diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 23, I got my certificate and I was already working full time and never I never took any medication or visited an expert about ADHD.
I had my friends, a job and I was wrongly thinking that everything was fine.
At the age of 25 I decided that I wanted higher education from a discussion I had with some of my friends. I participated in exams and boom, I got into a public university* Automation/Robotics field and I thought everything would be fine again (wrong again).
*public universities are free in Greece
Life in a university is tough for me, there are billions of things I don’t know. Automation/Robotics is the combination of Electronics, Information Technology, Physics, Mathematics, Trigonometry
I have research papers to deliver, studies, learn things I don’t like, pass exams, cope with the endless frustration and of course last but not least procrastination.
All of these, made me from time to time to take medication and do some physical activities which help me deal with my hyperactivity and being able to concentrate on my studies. Medication alone does not do miracles, while it helps with my studies it also comes with some side effects like anxiety
At the start of 2018, our government decided that my University should get merged with another school and us, the university students automatically got transferred to the new school which is now called Industry Design and Production which has 63 courses (5 years) with an integrated Master’s Degree and it is very different with what I was studying. My old school had 48 courses (4 years) to get the degree.
Also the new school caused some issues. Since it’s a new field, not all new courses are the same from my old school and those courses I had already passed are no longer valid. In the end I get more workload that I had to do.
These past months I have become:
- An introvert who prefers staying alone, reading books and sometimes suffers from loneliness.
- I no longer like watching movies, tv series or playing video games. I get bored and sleepy.
- I no longer hang out with the friends I used to be with.
- I am like racing against the clock, feeling like it don’t have time for useless activities and small talk. (I had friends who would discuss about a burger they ate for 2 hours straight)
- I am studying every day, 8-12 hours about software engineering which is endless and very challenging and is what I have decided that I want to work for the rest of my life.
- I have stopped going to my university and will just participate in every semester exams and I no longer care when I will have my degree
- I am working part-time as a freelancer as an I.T & Web Designer
- I get very happy when I talk to new people but I am not motivated into doing new relationships
- I prefer doing meet ups, meeting new people instead of hanging out with my old friends
- I wake up 6.30 am every day and go for running/jogging right after waking up for 1 hour
- I no longer care for whatever everyone may say about me. I am not going to spend my time proving them they are wrong/right. (Waste of time)
- I am taking medication Concentra for my ADHD.
I don’t drink alcohol/smoke and look after my diet and health
Not interested in sex
Also about the “no friends issues” it’s because I always had friends and I was never alone. It’s because I value my time everything above else.
I wasn’t like this and it makes me feel somewhat strange.
Do I have developed any personality disorder?
- This topic was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Zeus-DX.
December 20, 2019 at 7:48 am #136955quietlylostParticipant
What you’re describing doesn’t sound like a personality disorder.
It’s important to know that we as people change over time. Just because we were one thing or acted a certain way before doesn’t mean that it’s bad if we change in the future. Sometimes our priorities change, our interest waivers, or certain things just aren’t as emotionally rewarding. It could simply be that you’ve grown, and you’ve started to figure out what matters more to you. That will likely change again in the future.
It could be too that you’re dealing with some comorbid depression. The isolation, loss of interest, lack of sex drive, difficulties with concentration, and other things would seem to indicate at least the possibility.
Personality disorders have to do with interpersonal relationship problems or problems with regulating your own emotions. You didn’t indicate a lot of those issues, so I personally wouldn’t worry too much about that.
Are you getting treatment? Do you see a therapist? If not, this would be a great opportunity to work with one and explore these ongoing issues.
December 20, 2019 at 11:04 am #136974
No, only ADHD Medication.
Also I don’t think that I have depression, at least not anymore.
I feel happy most of the time and very grateful for the experiences that I had till now (looking forward to more). I feel sad when sometimes, loneliness comes and bites me.
It’s just that I have changed so much these last years that I hardly recognize me anymore and I also heard it from my friends.
Having goals, priorities, figuring what I want in life is what have made me become more serious and not so much interested in other people.
April 14, 2020 at 3:21 pm #168916ChicksterParticipant
The best thing a GP ever said to me was that you could be happy & still have depression. She was right – when I was in my own little bubble, with no external stressors I was happy. But depression isnt a lack of happiness. Its constant, constant thinking about what youre doing wrong, whats wrong with you, what other people think. Its shame, & being unable to cope with anything extra. Your head just goes around & around with self critical thoughts & things you used to like have no appeal.
I found some online depression tests & they were actually very accurate. If youve managed to reduce your life to make yourself feel safe then you probably dont feel that you are depressed – but you cant live like that.
I dont think you have a PD – but I do know that depression can make you think you might have. Thats theres something so fundametally wrong with you, & so broken that it must be something like that. But dont forget ADHD is also very much an emotional disorder – its not just about focus, it can be extreme sensitivity to things other people dont care about (criticism, real or imagined for example).
Also, be wary of ADHD meds. Much as Id not go off them for the world Im starting to realise they can sometimes have unintended consequences. Things you used to be able to do somehow dont seem important any more.
April 15, 2020 at 1:38 am #169064
Sometimes I think my old past self is funny. Many things changed again, both to my lifestyle and COVID
I found some balances.
- I opened a business and I’m the middle of an introvert and extravert
- I watch some movies because they help me sleep
- I still read books (I always read something) to acquire skills (I’m a Freelancer Web Developer and Learning Never Stops)
- I still don’t hangout with friends, I don’t care, we are in quarantine.
- I’m still racing against the clock, meeting deadlines
- I don’t go to the university
- Let them talk, people will judge everything and everyone anyways.
- I stopped taking Meds, The side effects of the Meds mess up my feelings and it’s kinda hard…
- Still no sex life, I don’t know..
- This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeus-DX.
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