Do ADHDers lose interest in people easily? Am I just not good enough?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones Do ADHDers lose interest in people easily? Am I just not good enough?

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    • #112993

      tl;dr : do people with ADHD tend to lose interest and get outta relationships quickly?
      Hey everyone, this is my first (and most probably last) post here.
      This is about a relationship that ended 10 months ago. At least for her. For me I am still crying daily cuz of it.
      It started 19 months ago. Me being an 18 year old guy and her being 16.
      I have bipolar disorder (or so the doctors say, practically it’s just straight up depression) and she’s got ADHD (not sure of the full official diagnosis though, it’s supposingly got more details to it that she didn’t wanna talk about)
      We met while hanging out with a mutual friend. Two days later we were cuddling on the beach for 6 hours. We got extremely close over the months. Daily together and often cuddling for up to 12 hours straight.
      As for our extreme depression episodes we both handled each other through them fine. Holding hands and calming each other down till it’s over. We got too comfortable around each other that we would cry /stay silent for hours/ discuss whatever we’re feeling and she once even bit my arm for 15 minutes while extremely stressd leaving a mark that for me symbolized how comfortable we were around each other not needing any masks.
      I really loved her, and was clear about it. Her though? Well, it’s complicated. She generally hated and made fun of relationships ( she never was in one before, neither was I) but she just thought relationships were straight up stupid. Which I guess is the reason that she seemed. Confused on what tag to give us. She did say she loved me. She did say multiple times that we were surely not in a relationship yet she once got mad at me for never kissing her! (because I should figure out myself that she wants me to kiss her while insisting on us not being a thing!). I believe she herself was in an inner conflict between thinking relationships were stupid yet practically being in one. Hence always refusing to give us that tag. Or maybe I am all wrong and she never had feelings for me, cant guarantee.
      Some months in, she began acting weirdly, we still hungout but she started asking me to get my hands off her as if I was harassing her or sth, refusing to hold my hand when I am stressed as we used to.
      A while later though we got close and back to normal again.
      Some more fast forwarding. One day all of a sudden she sent me a text asking me not to talk to her again. Although the day before we were hanging out and it was a pretty great day. Till now I don’t understand why this happened.
      We almost never had a fight. Except maybe once when she insisted that I see my psychiatrist after I attempted suicide. But other than that I never would make anything into a fight. Cuz simply I wouldn’t stand seeing her sad cuz of me. She was my whole life (and pathetically enough, 10 months after our 9 month relationship ended, She still is my whole life.. Just in my head now though and in my tears).
      I am trying to understand why this happened. I’ve read that people with ADHD tend to go in and out of relationships quickly, is there any truth in that? Is this likely to be the case? Another thing is that she started getting mentally better, maybe I wasn’t as needed anymore so she decided to throw me away? Or was I just not good enough for her and all those excuses I am assuming are BS?
      I already have enough depression to make my life super hard but after she left my life became, well, impossible. I’ve skipped 2 semesters from college so far and I am doing literally nothing productive ( and in many days nothing at all). I am just sitting there crying daily cuz I miss her. And doesn’t look like this is gonna change anytime soon.
      I’d be surprised if someone actually read through all my nonsense. But if it happened and you were kind enough to read all that, THANKS a lot. I’d really appreciate your opinion there.

    • #113017

      Hugs to you. Her behaviour reminds me of myself in my teens (I have ADHD). I often had emotionally intense and volatile relationships, complete with expecting guys to read my contradictory mind. I also quickly got bored and discarded them. This had NOTHING to do with them, and everything to do with my own dissatisfaction with myself and life in general. Even Brad Pitt (not that I stood a chance with him!) couldn’t have held my interest permanently.

      Even though I genuinely cared about people, I still inflicted attention seeking and manipulative behaviour on them. I enjoyed seeing how much they were into me. I know this is hard to hear and you want to give her intentions the benefit of the doubt. It doesn’t mean she’s not a beautiful person inside – it just means she has a lot of growing up to do.

      On the basis of my own past yo-yo behaviour, she may want to reestablish your relationship at some point. Or you are probably trying to win her back right now. As much as I would like to advise you to stay away whilst both of you grow more emotionally stable, I’m guessing you won’t like that option.

      So I just want to remind you to take care of your own emotional boundaries – if you really want to care for her in the long-term, you have to protect your own mental health in the short-term. I guarantee she will find a self-confident boy with a flourishing life much more attractive than one whose life revolves around her. She may say the opposite out of insecurity, but her actions have already proven otherwise.

      • #113027

        Thanks for the reply
        Actually I am not trying to win her over at all right now, I just tried calling her once since then and she just said saorry and hung up. I am preventing myself from trying to contact her cuz I really care about her feelings more than my owm. I don’t wanna annoy her or make her feel guilty especially that now she’s in her last year of high school, here in egypt this year single handedly determines the college you attend. She is obsessed with neurology and wanna be a doctor (to the extent that she used to sneek into med school’s lectures) . Attending medical school requires a literally ~ 99% grade. I would never want to make her feel bad or sth that’d hinder her studies cuz as much as I want her, I care more about her being happy.
        I remember her once randomly telling me that I’ll eventually hate her and think she’s a bad person if she leaves. Told her then and still holds true : I’d never hate her whatever happens.
        Is what I am doing wrong? Do you mean she initially expected me to try and get her back? I am really not a mindreader and I just respected her decision when she wanted to part ways as much as it hurts me.
        She’s got some growing up to do, yeah all my friends and family told me so. She really acts so much like a kid to the extent that sometimes I felt I am babysitting and my friends called me a pedophile! But still when u love sb that much you really keep denying anything wrong about them.
        Maybe I’ll try to reach out again in a couple months when her stressful year is over, although I am expecting to be hung up on at best if not humiliated.

      • #113035


        It’s great that you respect her decision! You sound like a genuinely great, supportive guy. As you know, mind-reading someone who often changes their mind is literally impossible – just take her words at face value.

        If I may say, her prediction that you’ll eventually hate her if she leaves suggests she is familiar with this pattern. She has probably got sick of other people before. As such, I am inclined to believe it’s her, not you.

        Whatever the case, a desperate guy won’t exactly stoke her desire. I’m sure you know that there’s a difference between committed and desperate. You mention friends and family – work on your other relationships and interests! 🙂

        Do this whether or not you eventually get back with her. You’ll be a much more well-rounded person, both for yourself and her / other future relationships. Best of luck! 🙂

        • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by nvalefreedom.
        • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by nvalefreedom.
    • #113024

      I do. Not always in romantic relationships, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 17 years. But with friends. Doesn’t mean I don’t like them anymore, I just don’t want to hang out with anyone. Just the way I am. I’m 60 years old and been like this my whole life.

    • #113032

      I send you my biggest hugs right now. I completely empathize what you are going through at the moment. I would suggest that you read one of the articles on relationship and another one on rejection.

      “Imperfect and Lovable”

      Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD

      Your attitude of protecting her feelings are completely normal and my guess is that you may not have Bipolar Disorder but rather ADHD too. I have myself being diagnosed with ADD recently and still learning a lot for my own sake. I find it enriching rather than being a plague as it helps me to understand myself a bit better and give the tools to work with to improve myself. And I am one of the lots who has been diagnosed lately at the age of 45. I recently met someone who has ADHD too but sadly refused to admit it. We went as fast as your relationship has been described, intense with a very powerful connection straight from the beginning. The only huge difference we have is that I’m 45, he’s 46. He’s shambolic, I’m a perfectionist, and I’m tidy. I’m an open book and willing to share my feeling in the open, he’s reserved, not affectionate in public, in denial with the tendency to be always right and think that I am the one in the wrong. In spite of all the appearance that this relationship has shown you making you feel “the one” for each other, learn one thing: Let it go! Believe in the power of one! You need to show her that you can change by looking after yourself. You can not be a caring person if you can’t care about yourself. You’re the one you count the most with a future. Don’t force the event to happen, let the time heal itself, it is your unique ally. Learn to be patient, time will show you many things if you learn to listen, observe and learn rather than talk, act and fail. It’s a metaphor, not a judgment. Sometimes we have to accept that the crystal stiletto you found does not fit the Cinderella you thought it was. Another metaphor for you to ponder on. Life is worth living. So live it to the fullest and thrive as much as you can. Best wishes.

    • #113047

      I know how painful it can be when a relationship ends. You feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under you and you can’t imagine your life without them. I’m here to tell you that your pain will pass. Fill that feeling of emptiness inside you with positive things. The more you do of your daily routine the better. Keep busy and talk to people. Don’t shut yourself off from the world. The best advice I can give you is to remember that not every relationship is “The One”. At your age, you will have many girlfriends in your life until you find that special one. We all go through relationships to learn about what we want and don’t want. It’s a learning experience and you take what you have learned about yourself and apply that knowledge to your next relationship. It’s a journey, enjoy it and remember that it’s OK for a relationship to end. My husband is ADD and we have been together for about 25 years. People with ADD/ADHD have relationships like anyone else.

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