Divorce over undiagnosed ADHD

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    • #52308
      ADHD527
      Participant

      So where do I start with this… 3 kids who I never been closer with and a wife that wants to leave me. I just found out that I have been diagnosed with ADHD and have put my wife though hell and back. But my original diagnosis was OCD which I do have as well. I was told they missed the ADHD diagnosis because it has similar symptoms to OCD which was very obvious that I had so I got Meds to take care of the OCD… I admit I had gone on and off the OCD Meds because I thought I was better and didn’t need them only to find out that’s a common misconception I have been dealing with the OCD for about 10 years. Now older I have realized I have to take the Meds everyday period end of story.

      Along the line my wife and I were arguing a lot so I asked her to go to marriage consulting. She said no not till you fix yourself. Because my OCD symptoms were getting bad again. So I went to the Dr and they gave me something new. Few weeks later I felt the best I had in years but like the old Meds I was still tired all the time I could barely sit down without falling asleep. So now that I’m mostly better my wife and I went to a session of consulting… wow did that shock me. I didn’t realize half of the thing I was doing that stress my wife out she had been holding in things for about 3.5 years. After the first session I went back to the other DR and said I’m just as tired on these Meds as the old ones but my OCD symptoms are the best they had ever been. So she ponders a little bit and says let’s go back to the questions I asked you years ago when she gave me the original Meds for the OCD. After going through all of them she told me I have ADHD as well. So not really knowing much about it she gave me an addition pill to take to help the ADHD. Within a few days I had drive, motivation, energy. I was ecstatic.

      We went back to consoling the following week and once again things were pointed out that I did wrong or I should say did help the situation. It was harsh but I dealt with it I am willing to take everything after realizing what my wife had been dealing with me. Same thing happens the 3rd session but then came the 4th the bottom dropped out and my wife told me she was done with the marriage. There I sat think how will I live without her how can I not see my kids every day, how many people I hurt. I had only been on the ADHD Meds 3 weeks and I was all in to whatever it took to keep my marriage together. One thing I have learned in the last 6-8 months is nothing in the world means more to me then my family NOTHING. I would do anything, give everything to keep us whole.

      We left that session and was in shock didn’t know what to say do feel I was a train rec. A little later I go in to I have to fix this mode. What can I do practically begging her to stay and keep this family whole. I came from a divorced house hold she did not. So I know what these kids will go through even if we get along great. But I know staying together just for the kids is not right. But making every attempt to keep the marriage together should be made in my opinion to see if it can be saved. After all my wife and I don’t hate each other we still get along and together 17 years Married 10. But I had become her 4 child. The romance was gone, therapy made me realize thing I had done and things I didn’t even relies I was doing.

      In addition to that she has a ton of resentment she says she has forgiven me for it she can’t forget it. Which I understand threes thing I wish I don’t remember from over the years. So now what do I do. I start researching ADHD all I have to say it holy ____. It was my symptoms almost all of them. Now I understand what I put my wife though the last 3 years. This put all kinds of though my head. How could they miss that, every time I went for a checkup I said I was tired. I never lied or miss lead any of my symptoms to the Dr and them not giving me the meds for the ADHD because they missed it has cost me my marriage my kids my everything.

      So I sent this website to my wife so she can better understand ADHD because up in till I read about it I did really know anything about. She read it and agree that’s what lead her to wanting a divorce. I have been a different person for a long time. But the last 4-6 weeks I feel like the old me renewed excited energetic playing with my kids doing things around the house. But while doing this I still have this Black Cloud over my head. She still wants a divorce. She started reading blog posts about wife’s that have dealt with this for 20 years 30 years. She says she doesn’t have it in her any more she is not in love with me anymore. Which I completely understand but I can’t accept. The worst of things were the 3 last years.

      I am now properly medicated for both OCD and ADHD. She here self can see the person I am becoming. I am becoming a better version of myself than I was before the OCD and now ADHD. But she says it’s too late (I don’t think its ever to late for anything). Here I sit pissed hurt confused every emotion possible going through me. I got help (yes she had to push me) I was told I had OCD here are you meds. Then 8 years later I find I have ADHD that of which ruined my marriage. I don’t know what to do. My wife has become a strong person from dealing with me the last 3 years the ADHD was undiagnosed and is ready to move on with her life with our kids. There is no question we get along and time with the kids will be equal and such but I’m still crushed I love her more than life itself. How could you divorce me for something I didn’t know I had? I am not a hard ass that won’t go to a DR if I’m broke fix me.

      So on top of the divorce I have so much guilt and pain because of the stress I put on her while I was undiagnosed, but I was also thinking this is great I’m getting better. We found the problem I am me again… Still she says it’s too late. I am now broken crushed you name it. But the worst part of this all I understand her point of view I see now what she went thought. But I just can’t accept the fact she wants a divorce. She everything to me Brains, Beautiful, Fun to be with a smile that melts my heart.

      I don’t know what to do I can’t stop thing about it I tell myself it’s not fair I didn’t know I had it every though possible is going through my head. But the one sticking out the most is she said she is not in love with me anymore. It a knife to my heart every time I think it. But then I though well I would not be in love with that person ether. But I’m changing I not the person I have been for the last 3 years. Is it reasonable to say she could still be in love with the person I was? But because of the last 3 years she can’t look past it. There a wall blocking me from her letting me in. She herself told me she never thought I would get better. Then reading all the blogs has now convinced her I will relapse at some point. I am %100000 dedicated to never relapsing. Here comes the selfish question I asked can I have another shot…… No you cannot.,,

      How can I not get another shot when I didn’t even know what I had? Why did it take them so long to realize I had this as well as OCD?

      Here I sit devastated my whole life is going to change. I’m closer with my kids than ever. She has been so strong for me for and dealt with this so long and also the most compassionate person towards me. As I have learned all of this over the past few months. Is there any way for a good ending. Are there any blogs out there they don’t just don’t dwell on the bad side of ADHD a story that says he overcame it and has become better than ever. I CAN NOT LOSE MY FAMLY IT IS EVERTHING TO ME. I would give each and every one of them my last breath if they needed it.

      What do I do? They say if you lover her let her go I say BS… If you love her fight for what you want and prove yourself. She fell in love with me once and that guy is back why she cant fall in love with me again?

    • #52510
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      Focusing on the fact that your ADHD was missed by doctors only makes you feel worse, and keeps you stuck. It’s time to move forward now that you know what you’re really dealing with, what it’s done to your relationship, and how to treat it. When you pull yourself together, it makes a world of difference for those around you. That’s not to say your marriage is or isn’t mendable at this point, but to say that life will be better for all involved when you take care of yourself and feel good about yourself. I know it will be hard to focus less on the marriage issues and more on yourself, but that will pay off so much more in the long run.

      Here are some helpful advice on ending the blame and turning things around:

      Late Diagnosis: Was ADHD to Blame All Along?

      Life Is Too Short for Shame

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #53608
      LauraG
      Participant

      Dear adhd527,

      In 1994, our second son was born 7 1/2 weeks prematurely. When he was five weeks old, we moved from California to Pennsylvania. At the time my husband and I had been married for seven years, together for 11.

      We moved east because my husband was from New York and I am from Maryland and we missed our family although we loved living in California for five years. As soon as we moved, I got postpartum depression and my husband started working a lot of late hours. The reason he was working late hours is because a woman at his office got her hooks into him and decided she was going to steal him from me. Meanwhile I kept getting sicker and sicker because I was not getting adequate treatment .

      The situation continued until the summer of 1996. We went through marriage counseling for nine months, during which time my husband refused to give up his girlfriend and insisted that they were only friends. Meanwhile I had a toddler and a baby to take care of, as
      well as a major depression on my hands.

      Fourth of July 1996, my husband told me that the girlfriend had invited him and our two little boys to her parents house for a celebration. I asked if I was invited and he said no.

      It was then that I decided I had to leave him, he would never leave her and it was an impossible situation.

      Over the years, we had many fights in front of our kids. But we did have a definite agreement that we would try to do the best for them. The older one turned out to be a very good success. The younger one is taking much longer to grow up and is having some issues with growing up. All in all, I think that it was definitely right for us to get divorced even with all the pain and heartache that it caused.

      The reason my husband stopped loving me was because I was ill and I would not take Prozac because I was still nursing our younger son. At the time it was not known if Prozac was transferred through breastmilk and whether it would hurt the baby or not. My husband truly thought that this was the only solution to my depression

      I was divorced for 15 years, but eventually I met someone. During those 15 years I was engaged three times to be married and it didn’t work out. Fourth time was the charm and I actually did get married again. We are both happy to have a second chance at love and we cherish our marriage every day. We go to marriage counseling to keep things on an even keel and to learn how to better communicate with each other.

      My new spouse has a hard time dealing with my depression, also with my new diagnosis of ADHD. I am not an easy person to live with but he has an incredible amount of patience and I am so grateful that he married me. He is so much better than my first husband! If I didn’t divorce my first husband I would never have my second husband who is so much better!

      Just think…. someday when you will have wife number two, who you will love so much more and who will be such a better wife to you than the one who tells you she doesn’t love you because of your diagnoses. Wife number two will love you for who you are, who will not despise you for who you are!

      Right now you have to concentrate on learning to take care of yourself, and taking care of your kids by yourself when you are with them. Doing the best job possible for them. Then when the time is right, love will come to you again. Keep your faith & take care.

      • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by LauraG.
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