Did I do something wrong?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Relationships Did I do something wrong?

Viewing 3 reply threads
  • Author
    • #180901

      I have ADHD, my spouse does not.

      My wife and I went to bed last night and she says, “I’m going to turn on the alarm clock so we can wake up early and go for a drive.” to which I respond:” where are we going?” she replied with “you said you wanted to get away, so we’re going for a drive” I said, but where are we going? Why am. I having to wake up early on the weekend when I have to wake up early all week, I’d like to know where Im going.” she said” you have to start remembering you’re married” to which I responded, “so do you, you can’t just make plans for me without discussing them”

      I have since been told that the alarm has been shut off and now she keeps sleeping. I’ve clearly upset her. But I’m also upset. I don’t like people deciding things for me. If she had said, “hey, I would like to take you somewhere tomorrow..you up for an adventure?!” I don’t think I wouldn’t have minded as much. But now I’m concerned because she brought up the remembering I’m married thing… Like it’s been an issue for a long time?!?

      I always find myself apologizing for things I do irrationally. IE loosing my patience when my senses get overwhelmed. Or forgetting to take out the trash. (these last two things haven’t happened in months.. But still worth mentioning.)

      I guess, I’m tired of apologizing. I don’t think I’m wrong for wanting to know where I was going and why I was going to loose out on sleep. (which btw is important for me to not have ADHD issues since I’m not medicated, a routine is important to me)

      Am. I wrong?! Is being upset over not knowing something an ADHD thing?

      Thank you for reading my concern and your advice is greatly appreciated.

      • This topic was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by sunsetjen.
    • #180924

      Yes, you were wrong. Clearly this event was important to your wife. The red flag was her reminder that you are married. Add to the fun and be in control of where you take her to lunch or breakfast.

      Apologize for your not paying attention and tell her you would love to go on a drive. Heck, if you can, call in sick and play hookie from work and go with on a drive with her. The dopamine your brain will send is better than dopamine because of an argument.

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by MWEAVER74.
    • #180941
      It’s A New Day

      Might I suggest next time, simply ask her,”How should I dress?”. Let yourself be surprised. It’s so much better than arguing and ruining the day. Been there.

    • #182334

      I wouldn’t say you are wrong, but it sounds like you both communicated poorly on what you both need from each other. Your wife is clearly needing something from you if she feels like you are “forgetting you are married”. But she approached it in a way that is not respecting your need for routine and that made you feel powerless having someone else making decisions for you. So you responded defensively – worrying about your own needs and not hearing hers. Maybe if she had said “We haven’t spend much quality time together lately and I miss that and really need some quality time together right now. I’d like for us to take a drive somewhere tomorrow. Where we’re going would be a surprise”. You may have said “OK” then had the chance to be included in planning other details such as time to leave, etc. But I do think it would have been wrong for you to just give in to her pushy way of making plans for you without your involvement. That may given her what she wanted, wouldn’t address your needs and would reinforce the poor way she communicated. When she found that it worked, she’d continue the same pattern. You could have responded better, maybe “I’d love to go for a drive, but remember with my ADHD, I don’t do well with changes in my routine or sudden surprises and I really need some sleep. Why don’t we skip the alarm and when we both wake up, we’ll go out for brunch and a drive.” There are definitely better ways for you both to communicate that would have resulted in fun day for both of you. Now you need to figure out a way to apologize to her and let her know you care about her and her needs, but you also want her to understand why you reacted poorly and how in the future, she can communicate her needs in a way that still respects yours. And be sure you take her on that drive and many more.

      • #182371

        I don’t think the posters wife was being pushy. She was trying to be spontaneous and fun. There clearly was a misunderstanding and poor communication on both sides I do agree.

        In all marriages, both parties have to remember who they are married to and adjust accordingly.

Viewing 3 reply threads

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.