Dating someone with ADD

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    • #64862

      HI all,

      This is my first post on this forum, it might be a lengthy one but I hope there is someone on here that can help me with my issue 🙂

      So I a month ago I reconnected with an old acquaintance, I used to know him through some of my friends from highschool but we never really had any one on one talks. I met him again at a concert and we got to talking, and hit it off immediately. He is a bit younger than I am (6 years). After the concert me and him and some friends went over to his place to talk and have a few beers, and when they left we kissed (there was already some serious tension between us that whole night). A little later that evening he told me he has ADD, but he did not seem to want to elaborate much on the topic. He also told me that he had been single for 6 years, even though he really wants a girlfriend. When I asked him why he thought this was he said he wasn’t sure, girls usually told him that he was too sweet and things never lasted very long. The last girl he dated turned out to have some pretty serious borderline traits and this messed him up pretty goo (they ended their relationship around 7 or 8 months ago). I left his place feeling pretty good, I really liked him! I sent him a message the next morning that I had fun, he told me that it was a long time since he felt so at ease with someone. We continued texting over the next few days. However, as he was going on holiday soon I tried not getting my hopes up because you know, holidays can sometimes create distance when something is so fresh…
      During the holiday I didn’t text him much and let him do his thing, but he sent me a message every 2 or 3 days to update me on what he was doing, some pics, and some other chit chat. I always responded with interest and I believe I made it clear that I was happy that he got in touch with me, everytime he did.

      He finally got home, but then things went a bit quiet (he was texting a lot the day of his departure, but on the day of his arrival nothing, nor the day after). I figured he just needed to land, but I did send him a message the next day, just to check in and see how he was doing, and that I would be very interested in seeing him again sometime. He said he was too, and I asked him on what day he was available. The date was great, we were talking and kissing for hours. I spent the night but we did not sleep together yet, and he was very relaxed about that. I asked him that night if he wanted to come to my place the next time, and he said he would like that. Again (and here is where I was starting to feel a little pushy) I had to ask him for an exact date. We agreed on Friday, so great!
      But the Wednesday before he texted me (little sidenote, he always asks how my day was and tells me something a little about his, so he’s never rude in his messaging) to cancel, because he had forgotten about a birthday that Friday and also a wedding he had the next day (we live an hour drive away from eachother, so to see eachother we do have to make a little more effort). I did not give him a hard time about this and though I do not doubt that this is absolutely true, this is where my insecurities started to kick in.. I have not always had the best experiences with cancellations for dates, plus I have some attachment issues which make me respond to seemingly minor issues a bit more intensely than other people do. So I guess it’s safe to say I had a panicreaction and IMMEDIATELY asked him to reschedule for a next date, with we then set. Afterwards I felt bad about being so pushy and I was pretty sure he would be totally turned off by now..

      But lo and behold! He got back in touch with me and things seemed fine. So this rescheduled date was last night, and I feel like I am really falling for him. He is always very affectionate, wanting to kiss and hug me, and he also cooked me dinner. Later on I asked him to elaborate about his ADD and he really gave me some insights on how hard this must be for him. He told me is very sensitive, has a hard time letting things go and always feels like the odd one out in social situations. Also he is chaotic and impulsive, likes to be able to schedule things last minute. I told him that for me this is difficult, since usually my schedule fills up rather quickly. We didn’t really reach a conclusion for this or anything but it was really nice having this out in the open at least. After the talk we fell asleep completely entangled in eachother (which is special for me, I usually need space to sleep). He told me this morning that he would like to hear me play guitar sometime (I promised him to do this sometime on the previous date), and I said he is very welcome to visit me when he wants. He replied that he would like to do that very soon.

      Today I have been reading much into what ADD really is and it’s effects on dating/relationships, which is how I stumbled onto this forum. I guess my question is, is it recognizable for anyone here that he (so the person with ADD) is holding back in taking the initiative to meet up? Even though he is always getting in touch with me and is very affectionate when we do eventually meet? this morning I tried to contain my urge to schedule something in with him right away again in light of what he told me last night, but I must admit I’m a bit insecure about his intentions…

      Thanks for reading this, any advice and insights are more than welcome because I am really, really starting to like this sweet guy 🙂

    • #64868
      Penny Williams

      One of the characteristics of ADHD in many people is trouble with initiating tasks, and planning and organization. So, it’s not a surprise that he’s struggling with making plans in advance and initiating planning. If you’re ok with taking on that role in the relationship, I think it’s fine. (We all have strengths and weaknesses).

      It’s great that you’re so interested in learning more about ADHD and what his life is like. I just caution you that not everyone exhibits the same symptoms or to the same severity. Don’t judge what your relationship may be like with his specifically, based off what you read about ADHD.

      With compassion and understanding, you could have a great relationship with someone with ADHD.

      These articles may offer helpful insights for you:

      “If You Love Me, Please Take This Seriously”

      “What I Wish My Partner Knew About My ADHD”

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

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