Dating ADD and no response to texts

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    • #71560

      I met this amazing guy who has ADD on an online dating site 2 months ago and I feel like it is going pretty well. The first couple weeks he always had time and responded to my text and we even talked on the phone a couple times. Then we met and it was a great first meeting. For about a week after that he was always replying to me and then I sort of said I was hoping we could meet again soon but he got sick.

      Then while he was sick I sort of said one day while I was drinking I really liked him and was wanting more and he felt bad and said he didn’t want to give me the wrong impression but he didn’t have time to give me what I needed or wanted right now but still wanted to hang out and talk when we could.

      Also, the thing with him is that he has the ADD but he is insanely busy and I’m sure when he is not dealing with work and communicating with everybody else he just wants alone time and I am sure he doesn’t want to engage in several hours of communicating with me when he is so tired. So a few weeks ago I stopped texting him so much but I texted him one day 2 weeks ago and we texted and talked for a few hours and it happened again the other day and he said he wants to hang out over the break. Yes, I do have to sometimes double or even triple text him and he usually apologizes and now we are comfortable with each other I can tease him about not getting back to me. He always apologizes but laughs at the teasing too. I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days now and know he still is interested but I have anxiety about this when I don’t hear from him. I just want to wait to text him again cuz I don’t want to overwhelm him.

      I just plan to text him the day after xmas, the day before I’m hoping we can hang out, to see if I can get his attention. I mean what do you guys think? I’ve seen other posts and websites that people with ADHD are horrible at texting.

      The other thing too is he was hurt pretty bad in his last relationship and another girl when he was younger so he says he is a bit gunshy but he tells me likes me a lot and wants me to keep texting him. He almost married both girls so I feel like I just want to be friends with him right now and show him he can trust another girl again. I really care for him and want to be a part of his life. I know he isn’t ready for a relationship quite yet but it is even tougher cuz he has the ADD. Do you guys have any advice for me?

    • #71569

      I would let him do some of the legwork. ADD doesn’t mean you have to do all of the work. In fact, it seems he told you he wasn’t looking for the same thing you were. I would let him come to you. You’ve expressed how him not communicating with you is hurtful. If he continues that pattern with no improvement whatsoever, then since it’s such a brand new relationship, I’d move on.

      • #71839

        If I were you I wouldn’t call or text every day. YouYour going to wind up scaring him away. I think he likes you but not as much as you like him. He doesn’t want a serious monogamous relationship with you or any other girl right now. This doesn’t really have much to do with ADD. You seem to be making excuses for the fact that he’s not as attentive as you want him to be. But if you want to keep him around don’t text as much. Also don’t always make a joke or bring up the fact he hasn’t got back to you. Eventually it makes the person uncomfortable because you keep bringing it up.

    • #71588

      ADD or not, the young man was very clear in his intentions. When you told him you wanted more, he said that he couldn’t give it. It sounds like you’re on two different pages. The problem is that you continue pursuing him, your feelings will only grow deeper and you’ll wind up hurt because you are more invested in this than him.

      His behaviors are aligned with a person who is not looking for a full relationship.

      I would listen to what he said to you when he told you he wasn’t looking for the same thing. If you do want a relationship, I would move on from this guy. Let him know you made a mistake, you do want more, cut the friendship you have with him and look for someone who is looking for the same things as you are.

      Good luck!

    • #71595

      My wife of 25 years who has ADHD does not respond to 95% of the texts I send her despite having promised to at least respond with a ‘k’ to acknowledge she’s seen the text. We’ve discussed it several times over the years but nothing has ever changed. She also refuses to actually listen to any messages left on her voicemail; she’ll call back (sometimes) instead. My point here is that ADHD symptoms can result in not returning texts. I don’t have a working solution.

    • #71600

      I myself have issues with replying to email and texts texts. It is not that I ignore them. It is that i can’t keep them in focus. If it is in appropruate to answer at the time they fall into the aabyss. I have used tags and unread markers but some that is not always possible like when driving or working with others.
      MMy wife of ten years now still gets frustrated with my missing comunications and not remembering facts. She has learned to put things in my google calendar, send another text asking for confirmation, or just call. Basically if this hurts you and the extra work is not worth the aggrivasion, break it off. Also if you don’t get your needs filled break it off. Make sure you are happy first.

    • #71618

      As someone with ADD, I don’t have a phone that can text, and I make sure people know this. Partly it’s because I can’t afford a smart phone, but in part, I just don’t want to go there, because of exactly what’s being discussed on this thread. Most people who text assume that you’re available to them 24-7 and they get offended if you don’t respond. Whether you’re working, driving, involved in a conversation with someone else or sleeping doesn’t seem to matter. “HEY! I texted you and you didn’t drop whatever you were doing to pay attention to me!” Because of my ADD, it’s all I can do to get through the day and handle my responsibilities. I don’t have the energy to respond to every random thought of everyone in my life. If you really need me, call me and if I can help I will… but I can’t just attend to constant random stuff all day. I’d go nuts (and it’s not that far a trip as it is…).

    • #76515

      Totally new to the ADHD site and seeking information , this is great. I am not ADHD.

      I have been freinds with a gal for several years, whom we share many interests. I always found her quirky and unique. She is diagnosed ADHD and is on medication. She has been there for me in some dark times lately and I was there for her in hers. Our friendship has been I thought getting closer, but I was also frustrated about the lack of response to texts.

      I saw that she will see the text, being she picks the phone up looks at it and set it down. Walks away. She does this to a lot of people, she also has tons of unanswered emails on her phone,she does this to family as well.

      I broached her about this weekend as we had plans she made for us, the plans never happened, and she never communicated what was wrong, I could sense she was stressed about a project, I offered help/ assistance. I was not going to do it for her. She was frustrated and stated she was fine. ughhh- I gave her space and didn’t contact her or visit her.

      I told her when she doesn’t answer a text it come across as her giving me the silent treatment.

      (She knows what has happened to me, and was there for me.) She stated she was not giving me the silent treatment, and then she began being profane at me. I stopped her and said no I will not be cussed at.

      She then explained that she did not decide to do the trip because of a different issue. She then stated she told her past boyfriend not to expect a immediate text, or good morning etc. She stated she told me this about her ex.

      ( uhh no, and I am not your boyfriend or attached to you)
      (though I believe I am getting mixed messages that she wants more, despite her resistant to us being a couple. ) that’s another issue.

      But she clearly stated if she wants a immediate response she will call me, she wants me to call her if I need immediate response or need anything. I told her that is fair, and I understand.

      She then texted me at 1115 in the evening about wierd problems near her place. I responded within seconds. So confused.

      So anomalocaris I appreciate your input, it rings true to what I heard. It’s too much for her to deal with all of the texts and stuff.

    • #76528

      BearlyT – You should not expect this to change just because you brought it up. I’ve spent years trying to get my ADHD wife to at least acknowledge my emails or texts but she claims she’ll only respond if they are ‘urgent’. I think its if part of the ADHD symptom: ‘Now’ or ‘Not Now’ (where ‘not now’ means never.

      • #76549

        Change.. yeah I’m not expecting any, I can accept the status quo. Next time if plans are made and she has to take time I will call to find out if plans are still a go. Again now and not now.

        We’ve been freinds for years, but we seem to be communicating more everyday, via text or stop by or phone calls. But not constant..😕. It’s new for us both. I think she is reserved due to past relationships of hers, and tests me if I’m still here. Adhd doesn’t scare me. I was in relationship with another for 7 yrs whom was BPD. She and I have dealt with BPD gal. – we know where I have come from. I just try not push a relationship though I want one with her. Baby steps.

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