November 17, 2018 at 1:28 pm #103990
Ok so I’ve been with my husband for 25 years. What attracted me to him was his ability to think outside the box, life is never boring with him, he is an original thinker, but, there have always been ‘issues’. I need to offload, please forgive me!
I’m going to list what makes him challenging to live with and I would appreciate some feedback as to whether I am describing someone with ADHD or at least traits? I wonder whether he needs to go for a diagnosis – mind you I can’t imagine he would ever agree to this.
He seems to thrive on confrontation , always challenging , pretty much everything.
He can get very angry about how I or the children may treat the house or the car or material items, without caring one bit about the fact that he may have exploded at us and about it damaging his relationships with us, meanwhile, we are left shaken and very upset. He recovers and is fine, leaving us reeling.
He also gets very angry very quickly if he feels that he is challenged by someone – it may be an innocuous comment or when driving, there is always an assumption that someone is out to get him.
He can’t sit in the cinema to watch a film, he finds that really difficult.
If he has a DIY job to do, he cannot talk to anyone whilst doing it, and if they disturb him he gets so cross and loses focus he says. He can’t do both and be civil.
He always always always blames other people if something goes wrong – it is never his responsibility.
He gets really stressed when there’s loud shouting from the kids.
Yet to relax he listens to loud music.
He seems to really enjoy winding me up deliberately for his own amusement and does the same to the children – while they’re relaxing watching TV he’ll come in and start playing music loudly and doesn’t care if they start getting upset, which upsets me, while he says it’s just a joke.
I could go on, but they are the main challenges that I try really hard to not get upset about but some days it gets me down.
I wonder what other people think about this description, or am I just describing a quirky individual ?!
Thanks for reading.
November 17, 2018 at 10:05 pm #103996
Hey, I’m Kendall, nice to meet you!
This could absolutely be ADHD. I’m speaking as a person with ADHD, a young 19 year old, but a person with ADHD nonetheless.
Everything you mentioned could be a manifestation of ADHD. You’ll have to take him to get diagnosed to be sure, whether he likes it or not.
The overarching quickness to anger is the lack of emotional regulation/immaturity that comes with ADHD. Combined with the high sensitivity to external things such as loud noise from the kids. This means overall he’s HIGHLY sensitive to other people’s feelings.
Let me explain this one: I know it doesn’t seem like he cares about his family’s feelings from what you’ve mentioned. However, let me assure you he does, or he’s CAPABLE of it. ADHD brings with it a level of empathy, compassion & understanding that someone WITHOUT ADHD cannot match.
He cannot do more than one EXTENSIVE task at once (asking us to hold a conversation with you, while working on something is VERY DIFFICULT) So when he says he can’t focus, he just may be right.
Sitting still in the movies (while I can do that for the most part) is due to ADHD’s hyperactivity. If I sit still however, I get immersed in whatever I’m watching (which takes away my attention). This is a trade-off as to why we can’t do more than 2 things at once (we can’t focus enough on both).
This is as much as I can give for now since I’m finishing up a project, but I’ll probably be here tomorrow.
Let me know if you have anymore questions, I’ll be happy to help.
-Kendall Boults Jr.
November 18, 2018 at 3:14 am #104002
Kendall thank you for your response. That is really helpful and the fact that my suspicions may be confirmed helps to explain years of thinking he was wired differently to ‘most’ people. Obviously you haven’t diagnosed him but what you say makes sense. What I haven’t mentioned is I have a wonderful 10 year old son who is very similar in some ways, especially this quick to anger. I must say his strength as a little boy is his intuitive nature being able to tune into to other people’s feelings so easily and being very sensitive. They both have a real affinity with dogs too. Perhaps this is part of it, as dogs help them to calm? Anyway, thanks for your reply it’s really appreciated.
November 19, 2018 at 4:04 am #104015
So I’ve only been with my husband for 3 years, but I relate very well to your post when I compare our marriage to your descriptions. We both think outside the box, life is never boring, but he is generally a little aggressive/dominant. It’s generally attractive when it’s with work, play, helping others, oror having sex, but he also seems to ‘thrive on controntation’ and gets defensive easily. He’s very protective of people he loves, is overly assertive in social situations and/or intimidatdes people. He looks like a rough tough guy but acts like a 4 year old in that he gets hangry quickly, and ‘crashes’ abruptly into naps from which he wakes up inr a sour mood. He also “can get very angry about something” that happened, convinced that it was done to him or assumes the worst of others “without caring one bit about the fact that he may have exploded at us and about it damaging his relationships” and so I am “left shaken and very upset” and exhausted. Ed also “gets very angry very quickly if he feels that he is challenged by someone – it may be an innocuous comment or when driving, there is always an assumption” that someone is purposely trying to offend him.
He gets stressed when there’s loud shouting from the kitchen
Yet to relax he listens to loud music”, metal mostly.
He seems to enjoy winding me up deliberately for his own amusement and does the same to any aquaintances nearby… he will come in and start playing his drums loudly, or drive too fast and make me cry out in alarm “while he says it’s just a joke”. but some days it gets me down. However he is also an extremely generous and considerate partner and friend. He is rigorously honest and easily endures physical pain and miserable working conditions. He has not received a true psych eval, that I know of, busy was going to counseling much of the last year. He’s 11 years clean and sober, but I wonder if his mood imbalances are a result of all the cocaine/crack/meth on top of working extremely hard for years doing dangerous physical labor and hustling in gang-type situations while dodging the cops and trying to keep a young family together. I’ve worked in the medical field and have learned a lot about neurophysiology due to my own addiction and ADD issues so I suspect the rubber band that is his brain chemistry has been worn out. His hormones have been taxed by imbalances caused by a rough upbringing, homelessness, liver&kidney damage, and decades of fight-or-flight mode. It’s amazing he’s living such a good life in light of his abusive parents, gang , staying awake not eating or drinking for days at time, bout of hepatitis C, carrying a bullet around in his back as a festering wound for 4 years, etc…
So I don’t know if Ed’s testosterone supplementation exacerbates his mood issues and high/low persona, but I don’t think it helps his edginess. There’s no way to be sure,but hormones are very powerful. I am constantly walking on eggshells shells or feeling whiplashes from riding the bipolar coaster, but I also have plenty of my own work to do, eap.since he doeant have anxiety or depression, is a fast talker and always arrives prepared and on-time. I can’t diagnose oe treat him, but even if diet and yoga could manage his mood, I also dont want him to turn into a flabby, passive, depressed and more tired person, so now I must trust the universe (via his doctors) to show me what to do on MY side of the street, and how to be with this complicated man.
Not sure that helped but it’s something to consider.
November 19, 2018 at 11:54 am #104038
Could be ADHD. Could be something else. The only way to know is to get an evaluation.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
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