Coping with lack of planning for routine chores

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    • #52577

      Hi, all,

      My husband has ADD, which all of us partners know has its ups and downs. I am regularly struggling with ‘lack of planning’. It takes many forms, such as my husband committing to do something, then getting distracted. Today we argued because ‘THERE IS NO TIME’ for routine things in which I want him to share responsibility, particularly housework. I proposed we come up with a regular plan, such as a day of the week we commit to do housework, or a small amount of time each day, as little as 15-30 minutes after morning coffee. NO, NO, NO!!! He blew up and started yelling at me that this would get in the way of doing other, more important things. He proposed that tonight, after other things are done, he would do some housework. That’s not a plan to make it a regular activity, just making it today’s ‘crisis’. It is highly unlikely he will do any housework tonight, anyway.

      I would like to know what has worked for you, personally, in sharing chores and in making them a regular activity. Please do not post references to books or articles. I have read many, many of them. I’d like to know what you and your partner have tried, and what worked and what did not.

      Thank you,

      • This topic was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Angie_H. Reason: ? to
    • #53349

      I started following the steps in and got equitable chores after 15 years of marriage. We incorporated a highly visible component of a kanban-style chore board. I also realized that my daily chore routine wouldn’t work for my husband, he did best with fitting in a few hour block once a week.

      He’s working two jobs so sometimes he literally isn’t able to do much in the way of housework. We have some basics (exmample: where he can do stuff even if he’s only got 5 minutes. But I pretty much just accept that some times anything that gets done will be done by me. That isn’t as frustrating now that has become the exception rather than the rule.

      But the fundamental difference, is that my husband thought he was doing about half the household tasks(including everything like cooking dinner, taking care of the children, getting the car to the shop, scheduling maintenance people, etc etc) and he just hadn’t realized the full extent of what that meant. So it was fairly easy to get him on board with doing more once he knew what the full scope was.

      As an easily irritated, easily overwhelmed, easily put on the defensive person, I recommend that you initiate the conversation along the lines: “We need to talk about how we’re taking care of the house. Come up with a plan and be ready to talk about it in 2 days. If you don’t know where to start, try <link>.”

    • #53361

      I admit, 15-30 minutes every day raised my blood pressure! My ADHD has been a tool for a lot of negative self-talk, and I immediately saw the narrative:

      1. Enter with the best of intentions
      2. Succeed for a couple of days
      3. Start forgetting or getting sidetracked
      4. Hate myself for years to come

      My partner and I are still working things out, but a couple of pieces that work really well for us:

      • I strongly second the Kanban board. Having a complete list in one place is imperative
      • Use visual cues. If the dishwasher is clean, put a magnet so he knows to empty it
      • Expect hills and valleys. A counselor told me ADHD people don’t really make habits, and I think she’s right. Making it today’s “crisis” might actually be a good plan, so long as the work you put in to “keep the lights on” is about equal to his “crisis spree.”
      • Have an agreed upon “minimum” – loved the article liz.cember!

      Hope it helps. I’m new on my ADHD journey, and my fiance and I are still looking for a working system.

      • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Squirrely.
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