Compatibility

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    • #137089
      Anon
      Participant

      I love my wife. We’ll be married 5 years next year.
      But I also struggle to stay.

      I am so torn…
      She has ADHD.

      I love everything about her except all the things that her ADHD causes. The forgetfulness, disorganisation, social tiredness, her extremely short temper, etc etc. Our compatibility in these areas are at odds and it’s infuriating to live with. I know she’s not malicious but I am frustrated daily. I feel more like a parent than a partner.

      Thoughts? Ideas? Tips?

      • This topic was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Anon.
    • #137091
      quietlylost
      Participant

      Is your wife getting treatment?

      It’s important to try to separate your wife from the disorder. And, to remember that ADHD is not a choice. If your wife had a medical condition, say Diabetes or Cancer, that caused all of the same symptoms… would you be thinking of leaving her then?

      ADHD in relationships can be hard, but it can also be managed. It may take work on both peoples’ parts, including even the possibility of counseling.

      If you’ve been together for 5 years, though, and you’re thinking about leaving, my guess is there are other things that are driving those thoughts. You probably knew who she was and house she was when you first started dating her, and I imagine a part of you even loved that. If she hasn’t changed over that time, maybe you have. Maybe you want different things, or maybe there’s unhappiness somewhere else in the marriage.

      Bottom line, be honest with her and with yourself. Marriage deserves honesty and respect. If you want to fix this it can be done. But if you’re looking for a way out, then you need to be honest about that too.

      • #137092
        Anon
        Participant

        She’s been on dexamphetamines for the past 8 or 9 months and was only diagnosed then too.

        She knows I had thoughts about leaving before dexys. Life’s been much better since then. We are honest and have had discussions about improving. She wants to see an ADHD special psychologist or counsellor.

        As far as ‘before’, I had no idea about a lot of the issues before we got married. She, herself, even has said that her ADHD symptoms have gotten way worse in the past few years. Before we moved in with each other I had no idea about how deep these things ran.

        As stated, I love her and love her long lost of positive traits and qualities. It’s the ADHD stuff that makes the day to day such a chore and I am stuck on knowing how to work on it when every time I bring it up she says something to the effect that “it’s my ADHD and I’m working on it” or “it’s my ADHD and I can’t help it.”

        Oh, and what makes matters more challenging is she has 0 libido. For example, we’ve had sex 4 or 5 times in the past year.

        It’s hard to feel fulfilled in this relationship on so many levels.

    • #137099
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      The good news is that she’s seeking help for ADHD and accepting and addressing it. That provides hope.

      Now you have to come up with a partner agreement that works for the dynamics of your relationship. Melissa Orlov’s books on ADHD and marriage are super helpful.

      When Your Husband’s ADHD Makes Him Act More Like Your Child

      10 Ways to Balance ADHD with a Happy Marriage

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

      • #137102
        Anon
        Participant

        Hi Penny,

        Yes, that is good news.
        Thanks for the resources! I’ll check them out.

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