Can this be fixed?

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    • #196597
      gulistanmehmet
      Participant

      Hi need advice about my son who is 25 years old.He is very resentful and angry to me and my husband because of his upbringing.My husband and son both have ADHD.My husband has been a good father and husband but he has had anger issues which he has made great efforts to sort out/had counselling and he handles his anger much better .My son resents that his dad was a shouty dad who did swear at him from the age of 9 years if he was naughty or rude.It’s understandable and he has a right to be upset but he is taking this out on us swearing and verbally abusive to us.I have tried to explain about ADHD and how it can affect our emotions but he does not want to know.He can be better than his dad but he blames his behaviour on his dad and not taking responsibility for his behaviour.My husband has also apologised and said he did some things wrong but a lot of other things right and he regrets this.
      Is it too late for my son to change ? I do not want want to lose my son and he knows we love him and want the best for him but his behaviour is very defensive and angry and we need help advice.Anyone in this situation to advise?

    • #196666
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      It’s never too late. It will take a lot of work to heal this. My suggestion would be to see if he’s willing to do some family counseling or even therapy on his own. These were traumatic experiences for him and he needs help working through that.

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach, Podcaster & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #196711
      gulistanmehmet
      Participant

      I feel stuck in between a husband and son who both have adhd.I do not think my son will get help they are both stubborn.I cannot cope

    • #196718
      eyeonthesky
      Participant

      Have you heard of the Stoics? They would say that you have essentially no control over others and their behavior, so when they are being difficult, remind yourself that they don’t fully understand what they are doing (or else they would act more wisely) and hope for the best for them. Marcus Aurelius in particular wrote a lot about difficult people.

      There’s also the joke “how many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change.”

      Your loved ones will have to come to their own conclusions on their own time – especially your son since he is grown and you no longer have legal jurisdiction over him. There is more potential to reach out to your husband directly. Tell him that you know that rejection, criticism, failure, and other “personal” stuff are what ADHDers take super hard, and that you are not rejecting him and your son probably acts that way because he feels rejected. From there you can maybe both figure out what to do about your son.

    • #196723
      Gazettechan
      Participant

      Thank you for this thread, I really needed to see this. Thank you for sharing.

    • #196728
      gulistanmehmet
      Participant

      Thankyou for your wise words.I think you are correct they both feel rejected if I say they need to change or do things more calmly its taken as constant criticism.I feel everything is falling apart and who knows if we are strong enough to stay together as a family.I have no emotional strength left to keep trying.Lets see how tomorrow goes..

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