Boyfriend with ADHD treated me amazing and suddenly changed

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    • #188634

      I met a guy on a dating site, we talked for a bit and just kept talking casually for some days. He was very nice and I decided to give him my number, he told me he was a single dad with full custody of his 7 year old son who had recently moved to my city to expand his law firm. We have a similar ethnic background and I felt very connected to him in many ways, our music taste was similar, he was very smart, humble and family oriented. Since the beginning he treated me amazing, he always mentioned how beautiful he thought I was and how I was his dream girl. I felt as if I was in a dream, everything that I ever wished for and beyond was right in front of me. We talked about the future a lot and the things we wanted to do. He introduced me to his son and he was the sweetest boy and I became close and attached to him right away. I also talked to his mother and he introduced me to her as well. He is 33 and I had just turned 30. I would often start thinking that maybe he was playing with me to sleep with me, but then I thought would he only want that if he introduced me to his son and mother? Like I mentioned the guy was pretty amazing, and highly educated, when I started to have doubts about his intentions I would remind myself of how good he was to me.

      He told me he had ADHD and was taking medication for it, I honestly knew nothing about ADHD and didn’t think anything of it because he never showed any questionable behaviour.

      Shortly after we started to get more serious, he started mentioning marriage, he often joked about how good my named sounded with his last name. Again, I felt as if I had finally found the one for me. His son started to tell me he loved me and I felt like they were somehow sent to me from god. I was starting to fall in love with him and completely disregarded how quickly things were moving. He asked me a couple times to stay over his house and I told him I was not ready to do so, he seemed pretty upset but even though I wanted I also have a dog at home that I couldn’t leave alone overnight. The last night I saw him was very nice, we had dinner together at his place with his son, we watched a movie together and at the end we all cuddled. His son was always happy to have me around and since it was the day after my birthday his son gave me a couple gifts. After his son fell asleep, he started to open up about the his son’s mother and why he had full custody, I could tell it was a touchy subject to him. As he continued to tell me, he then mentioned that he didn’t think he wanted to have kids anymore because of how bad the situation unfolded with his son’s mother. I became really emotional once he said he didn’t want kids and he saw me getting upset and told me not to take it too serious because he could change his mind later down the road. I was full of emotion and I told him I had to go home, I didn’t give him a hug or kiss goodbye I was just very emotional I had to get out of there.
      The following day I texted him and told him that I wanted to know if he was taking me seriously and he replied that he was but he would call me once he was not busy to talk. We talked on the phone more than text, I was already used to him being very busy during the day and him calling me mostly when he woke up or after work. I have to admit that day I became very desperate, and I told him I was going to sleep early with hopes of him calling me sooner than later. He never called, the following day I texted again and his response was “but you didn’t want to talk, you said you were going to bed.” I started to feel guilty for my childish behaviour and apologized and just told him I just wanted to really talk, he told me again I will call you once my son is sleeping. He never called. I doubled texted him a couple times telling him about how I felt and he never replied, but I saw he read them. I couldn’t beleive someone who had treated me so nice ghosted me and didn’t care about giving me an explanation why. I was also very nice to him and to his son, and I figured he would remember how good we were together and come back. It has now been 3 weeks and he has not reached out, he looks at my posts on social media but never speaks to me anymore.
      I really felt a deep connection with him and it just hurts how little he cared to explain what happened, even if it was to tell me he was not into me anymore I just wanted some closure. I have texted him many times and I am afraid I have now completely pushed him again, I just wanted to know what happened and now I am just left with no answers and missing him. I do not know how to move forward, I know the best is to move on and forget. But why would he include me in his life so much and then all of the sudden leave without trying? was it all fake?

    • #189570
      Yarlan Zey

      Sorry to hear about what you went through. I do think it’s good that things ended relatively early though. Seems like you dodged a bullet in some ways.

      I’ve been learning a lot about narcissism and his behaviour strongly reminds me of what a lot of narcissists do early in a relationship. It’s called love-bombing. I recommend learning about narcissism. He may or may not be a narcissist, but either way he sounds like he’s best avoided.

    • #189582

      I’m sorry to hear this, I think your boyfriend was being affected by his condition that’s why he wasn’t able to reach out to you these past few weeks. But if he really has a narcissistic condition, then it’s best for you to just avoid him.

    • #189603

      It sounds like you had a pretty big obstacle in your relationship (you want kids, he doesn’t), so probably for the best that you move on. It sounds like he was being honest that he might not want more kids, and saw that you clearly do (which is fine!) and he realized that it would be an issue. It’s childish of him not to call, but really there’s not much he could say. You shouldn’t have to compromise about what you want, and he shouldn’t feel pressured to say that he “might” want kids or might change his mind. (And then what if he didn’t and you were married?)

      I think it’s good you got out before things went on too long. Wanting/not wanting kids is too big a topic to not agree on. He’s likely avoiding the inevitable conversation about kids because it would be an argument. The fact that he introduced you to his son before a strong commitment would make me question his judgement, too. I hope you can give yourself closure and move on. Neither one of you needs to explain or justify your different views for the future, you just need to accept that they aren’t compatible and move on.

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