Avoidance, lying and anger – oh my!

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    • #184894

      I would like suggestions to deal with frequent avoidant lying in another person. This is frequent and covers all topics to avoid effort and accountability. I want to have compassion, but not accept the lying. I understand boundaries are what a person does for themselves and can’t enforce on others.

      I have seen much advice for parents, but this is an adult. Long term avoiding which of course the lying is a symptom. I have no control over this perso. My personal focusing on anything about their treatment, etc are not effective. I need to know how to deal with it myself. I would most appreciate words from those who have dealt with this themselves long term, who have been able to maintain kindness and conpassion and forgiveness towards the other person, and come to terms with it themselves so they are not overreactive to it.

      Thank you very much. Yes both parties are ADD, but the specific situation is general coping beyond those difficulties.

    • #184895

      The anger part is both parties also. Anger at the lies being addressed on the one side and anger for being manipulated and lied to on the other side.

    • #185878

      My brother is a compulsive liar who has been diagnosed at least once with ADD and still has had no substantial help. He is an adult, a caring man and a great father. But he has bankrupted his family by lying about getting jobs etc. His wife is an amazing woman and we siblings have no idea what to do.

      I will be following this thread to see if there are any suggestions for you that might help me, since we appear to be in a similar boat.

    • #186056

      Are the lies to avoid doing a specific task? Or to avoid a certain reaction from others?

      I think the approach you take depends on how high-stakes the lies are and if they affect people other than the person who is lying. If the lies will have financial, emotional or health consequences for others, I don’t think that’s something anyone can or should tolerate. In that case, I would separate as much of that part of my life from the person who is lying.

      My husband lies, and it’s generally to stay out of “trouble”. I’ve come to realize that it’s generally because he agreed to something he didn’t actually want to do. So he does what he actually wants to do and then lies to cover up his actions. It’s hurtful. Many times it’s about something minor. I guess knowing why he lies gives me some sympathy, but I haven’t found a way to get to compassion, to be honest. But I deal with it myself by putting up boundaries and checks where I know I can’t trust him. And I try to get actual agreement on things, so that he doesn’t feel he has to lie – first lying about agreeing to a plan, then lying to cover up that he didn’t follow through on the plan. It’s not ideal though, and if it’s your partner that’s lying, it’s very hard to feel like it’s an actual partnership. I’m sorry you’re in that situation.

    • #186299

      It’s strategic lying, cover up and quite honestly probably forgetting but being sure they didn’t say or do “that”. Or agree to that. Which is why agreements aren’t really helpful.

      But if a person doesn’t or can’t commit it to memory, they could text it or write in a notebook or something. Or a large piece of paper stuck to a wall so they couldn’t lose it. To always claim they can’t remember is pretty hard to believe it’s in good faith.

      I get it’s hard. I know it, I forget lots of stuff. I have huge troubles with prioritizing, and chaos.

      When is it a discussion about effort and hope not capacity? Even with add adhd PTSD anxiety trauma and terrible memory capacity hope and effort do matter. I wish I could see more discussion about hope and effort instead of it being taboo to talk about trying harder (in that context!), or trying in different ways if the same trying isn’t working. Or how to discover how to try in different ways, so we’re not all just despondently failing and believing we can’t, instead of that it’s just really difficult. Or difficult right now. Or that this way of dealing with it is difficult. So we can move forward.

      (Steps down from soap box and trips on pile of laundry, and shoes self did not put away…because it was fine for “right now”…)

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