At my wits end

This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Deep 1 month ago.

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  • #133182

    Lillitu83
    Participant

    So, I have what seems to me to be a unique predicament. Although, I know that there are many other parents out there that have similar circumstances, I feel like I am on an island alone.

    I am a single mother, of two boys with special needs. My eldest child has classic Autism, no other disorders. My LO who is almost 7 years old has Autism and ADHD, both kids are higher on the spectrum but my LO experiences some pretty significant OCD behaviours that step from his ASD like hand washing, germs, picking, flicking, sucking on his shirt etc etc., these get in the way of being successful at school and his friendships. He’s on 10mg of Vyvanse, the only meds that have worked for him but we cannot up his dose because then his OCD (ticks) begin to increase, to the point where he thinks that there are bugs crawling in his skin and inside of his mouth.

    I have worked with children with special needs, particularly Autistic youth who have a variety of diagnosis and are far more challenging then my children. I also work as a BI and a health care assistant with adults with disabilities, so I am no stranger to any of this. I do my own BI work at home with my eldest and it seems to work for him, however… my youngest is just out of control. He has separation anxiety from me, so whenever i bring him to school he loses it and then his entire day is thrown off and he acts out at school… then the school has a really fun way of blaming me for it, yet not.. I am sure you all can relate to that silent guilt you feel from teachers and staff.

    At home, it seems as though, he loves to get me mad at him. I am extremely patient, until I am not … I find that my anger just builds and builds and then i blow up, then he gets off on it. He laughs when I am mad which of course only makes matters worse. If i send him to his room he trashes it, or he will disobey and leave his room or go and bother his brother by breaking his things or kicking the door. When it gets really bad he throws objects at me or tries to punch me, I have pretty good reflexes from years of experience at work with much bigger kids who hit a lot hard and are a lot more unpredictable, so i usually catch the punches or items being thrown at me. He becomes fixated on items and if he doesnt get what he wants he will repeat it like “HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY” thousands of times until you break down and want to jump off a bridge. He’s taken to going after the cat lately too. It seems ANY reaction whether its bad or good, if fine by him because its a reaction in general.

    I have support from my mother, but shes also frustrated with him and can only handle him in small doses. My father doesnt come around the house anymore because he has little patience for my sons kind of defiance. No one will babysit and they have been kicked out of all of the local daycares, so I had to hire someone privately who I pay $1.50 less then I make each hour, so whats even the point of going to work anymore ? His dad is to put it kindly, Useless.

    I’m at the point where I want to drop him off at the hospital and stick him in foster care. I feel horrible for saying that, but if I cannot handle him.. who is going to? he has a way of getting at everyone who tries to help him.. professionals. His pediatrician has said that his personality and behaviour type will lead him to a life of criminality if its not addressed and changed sooner rather then later, and knowing my son… at first I was insulted and defensive but over time I have to agree with him.

    I feel like I have done a lot of ranting, but I am also feeling helpless. I’ve been offered respite funding but feel guilty giving him to someone else to deal with, perhaps my defeated ego is to blame. But I also am just so overwhelmed and DONE with him.

    So, what now?

  • #133183

    Kirbou
    Participant

    Lillitu83 I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It sounds like you are really doing it tough 🙁 You must be an incredibly resilient woman! Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, other than to say take whatever help is on offer – I know it’s hard to overcome the sense of guilt but you can’t care for others if you’re not looking after yourself. And keep advocating for your kids and I hope you find something that helps. Best wishes xx

  • #133184

    Kirbou
    Participant

    I forgot to add – and forgive me if you’ve heard this a million times – but have you tried all the diet stuff? Eliminating gluten, dairy, sugar, preservatives, etc – I’ve seen some truly amazing behavioural improvements when the food culprit is found. But incredibly hard to do with kids (I know!).

    • #133578

      Lillitu83
      Participant

      Thank you for your words of encouragement.

      as for the food, I would love to be able to do that… but I honestly dont think that I have the time to do that. It would require a lot of organization and I just took a second job. Plus my eldest child who is also autistic already has food triggers, i have to have certain foods available or he wont eat.

      Have you heard anything about protein and ADHD? my LO who I am struggling with is ALWAYS wanting meat.. he cant get enough of it. Is there something in protein that their brains crave?

  • #133379

    Penny Williams
    Keymaster

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with overwhelming behavior. It can be really tough. Have you read either “The Explosive Child” or “Raising Human Beings” by Ross Greene? That was a turning point for our family.

    Time for Plan B? 10 Tips for Dealing with an Explosive Child

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #133577

      Lillitu83
      Participant

      Thank you for your suggestion. I would love to be able to read a book, I have a few but the problem is… as a single parent of two special needs children, whenever I am not keeping his attention I am either at work, driving to work or to school or trying to sleep. I attempt to read at night and then just pass out. I used to go to a parenting group called “connect parenting” which was for parents of pre-teens, I went to help prepare for my elder son.. and it helped with my younger one as well… but things change and then methods end up changing.

      We’re upping his medication again and hopefully that does something, now that he is bigger perhaps he can handle the increase this time around.

    • #133674

      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      I fall asleep reading at night too. I’ve started listening to audio books instead. Can listen in the car, in doctor/therapy waiting rooms, while doing chores, etc… 🙂

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • #133845

    Deep
    Participant

    Lillitu83,

    Make sure you accept the respite funding immediately – and then ask for more. The pediatrician is right: you must get a handle on your younger child’s behaviors, which seem to be on the extreme end. Jot down the professionals’ reactions – teachers, doctors, et al – to your child’s behaviors, and keep any correspondence from the professionals. Does the child see a therapist? If not, be sure that he starts, or gets on a waiting list. Residential care might be an option; ask the respite care funding agency about possible funding sources for residential care.

    You have my sympathy, and is there any way you could avoid taking a second job?

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