June 14, 2017 at 8:08 am #51344
I think if a husband’s family has history of ADHD then having artificial insemination to avoid ADHD passing in children by birth is an option. I think to do so when I will marry any girl. I don’t want her managing me and my children with ADHD. It will ease her life. What do you think?
June 14, 2017 at 10:26 am #51351Pump2DuncanParticipant
I think I would speak with a physician prior to making a final decision – and also your future wife. While your motives are honorable, an expert in the area of genetics would be able to provide you with valuable information.
For example, my maternal family has a history of a genetic disorder that causes deafness and blindness. After speaking with a physician I learned exactly what the chances were of my children suffering from the disorder, and what my children’s children chances are.
I’d also like to say that no one in my family or my child’s father’s family has ADHD or ADD; however, my son does. My other son also doesn’t have ADHD or ADD.
June 14, 2017 at 11:45 am #51354aabramajtysParticipant
This made me a little sad. Obviously I don’t know how severe your presentation is, but it sounds a bit like you’ve given up on yourself (I hope I’m wrong!)
My situation i the reverse of yours: I have an 8 year old and my VERY RELIABLE spouse and his parents hold the fort down, and I inadvertently and sometimes unknowingly disappoint and offend them all a lot. Andrew may be presenting, but it’s hard to say at this point if it’s heredity or modeling. Either way, we’d never erase him–he’s our biggest joy and a super fun and well-behaved kid, though he does his work way too slow in school. I admit that it’s scary for me to wonder if AJ will struggle more because of “my genes.”
Perhaps you could try to reframe a bit–ADHD has many hidden gifts are frankly delightful to pass on when well- managed, and systems can be put in place to help you all. Please don’t think you are not worthy of having a biological child. You all should watch “How to ADHD” on YouTube–she’s wonderful and can help you all EMBRACE the joys that come with this.
Be SURE you really mean it/are OK with this option BEFORE bringing this up to your wife. By that I mean, make sure you’re not subconsciously trying to set her up in any way as a test of her love for you, or playing martyr. Both scenarios are not shameful–I see these behaviors in myself when I’m being honest. If you are sure it’s a purely noble motive, and if she considers it and you both decide to do it, COMMIT to the decision and never look back, accept that child as yours either way and you two still can have the bonding experience of raising a child together.
Just my opinion. Also, don’t give up on getting the best treatment for yourself–this could change both of your minds as well, and you can be a better role model as well.s
June 14, 2017 at 4:06 pm #51379Laura C.Participant
I imagine a certain amount of compassion for your unborn children motivates your desire not to pass along your genes. Your life has been made harder because of ADHD, and you’d like to spare them your suffering. Compassion is a hallmark of good parenting.
This is one of the most deeply personal decisions to be made by two people. Emphasis on two. It’s entirely possible, maybe even probable, that a women who loves you will want her children to have your smile or your impulsive creativity. Unless this woman is already in your life, you don’t know what she will want. You will have to take your future wife’s opinion into account. The beauty of love lies in it’s unpredictability. Don’t foreclose on your future prematurely.
In the mean time, figure out how you will “manage” yourself. This is not a wife’s job, it’s simply the job of being human. Find a life that works for you, before you decide to share your life with someone else.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Laura C..
June 15, 2017 at 7:49 pm #51448
Thanks to all because you all have made valid points. I had taken the above points in consideration. I don’t have problem having ADHD children. I would however like to keep that option for my future wife. She may decide what she wants to do. However I will make my case to her about having and not having ADHD children. I just got that thought because the way I suffered beacuse of late diagnosis made me realize that it may be hard for my wife to manage my ADHD lifestyle and my ADHD children’s lifestyle. I think there is a always a probability of passing ADHD through genes. Even most of my siblings (cousins) have ADHD though my own brother doesn’t.
September 6, 2017 at 11:08 pm #59937gentlygenliParticipant
What kind of guy trades sperm for money?
Some of those traits will be heritable. And a lot of the things in that bundle could be destructive, too. Bet the level of sociopathy is ten times the average population level, among other things!
You’re speaking from a place of frustration and hurt. And you’re speaking about the distant future. Get your legs under you. There’s a lot worse in this world than ADHD. And there’s a lot more to you than that one thing.
Have a hug from a mom. You need one!
November 7, 2017 at 9:15 pm #67635PocoPerParticipant
Here’s something else to consider: The sperm donor may wind up having many conditions that he is unaware of, one of which could be ADHD. You may wind up getting exactly what you’re trying to avoid. There is no one better to work with a child with ADHD than a parent who has it. Don’t sell yourself short and don’t give an option to a future wife who’s not asking.
November 14, 2017 at 7:06 pm #68141MiriamParticipant
Your motives are admirable, but I think that you are focusing on the wrong thing. You say, “I don’t want her managing me and my children with ADHD. It will ease her life.” Your spouse should not have to manage you. You should learn to manage yourself in life before you get married. It will ease her life considerably if you don’t marry her until you do so. There are men who learn to manage their ADHD in away that does not put a heavy burden on their spouse. But I am a firm believer that men with unmanaged ADHD have no business marrying (and you can reverse the gender). They become an extreme burden on their spouses, and the situation becomes nearly unbearable when children are born. These women essentially end up raising children with someone who behaves like a child. Yes, I am speaking from experience, and my husband’s symptoms are not severe (but not managed). I have also read stories of others. If I did not have two children to raise and a demanding job, I would spend time speaking to young women and warning them to avoid these men, who may seem very romantic at first. The fact that you are concerned about your future spouse puts you ahead of the pack; many men deny the effect that their symptoms have on others. Your concern can likely serve as a strong motivation to learn to manage your symptoms before you marry someone.
November 15, 2017 at 11:34 am #68187
This has become an interesting thread. Thanks for the postivity u spread here
November 17, 2017 at 7:26 am #68406trish64Participant
I married my ADHD husband 18 years ago. His mother and brother also have it too. My son, now 16, and our only child has ADHD as well. Life in our household has not been the easiest; outbursts; noisy; crazy; buzzing with energy. Sometimes I crave peace and quiet, BUT, with all that I’ve experienced being with these wonderful minds is creativity; laughter at their antics; and just plain in awe of them. My husband’s Mother a doctor with her own successful practice and she still works full time at 71. Her ADHD I’m sure is what gives her her energy to do this and the other myriad of conferences and fundraisers she’s involved in. My husband’s brother is an attorney; my husband is well-known and is very successful himself in the media industry; and my son, who absolutely struggles at times at school, is bright, holds down a part time job, and has aspirations to absolutely go to college is on the right path. I wouldn’t change my life to be with them or have my son. The passion, it’s all or nothing, is amazing. Life can be hectic often in my household and during the bad times with my son I’ve wished for normalcy, but this is my crazy family and it’s never boring! It keeps me young with their buzzing energy and I can’t wait to see what an amazing creative young man my son will be. I wouldn’t change my life one bit if I could do a do-over!
November 17, 2017 at 11:18 am #68427MiriamParticipant
I don’t feel the same way. I would not have traded having my sons for anything, included my son with ADHD. Raising him is a challenge, but it is also a joy: he is loving, affectionate, kind, protective of his brother, creative, and so smart that he does very well in school despite tuning out in class half the time. But there is little joy in raising them with someone who does not control his anger, is not reliable, tunes out in conversations or just talks about whatever pops into his head, leaves messes, undermines my parenting (I have to fight for normal bedtime, and limiting junk food and screen time); and does not take responsibility for his actions. After 10 year of marriage, my most important goal for myself is to become the person that I was before this marriage. I am working to regain my optimism, creativity and sense of humor — the qualities that I most valued in myself before marriage, and that I want to share with my kids, and that were nearly consumed in anger and resentment at him.
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