Always screwing up

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    • #62919

      I’m kicking myself this morning. My son has a doctor’s appointment today at 11 a.m., and I just remembered it half an hour ago! I sent a rapid-fire e-mail to my boss to get the time off work and called the school to let them know I will be picking him up – a narrow save. But I still feel horrible. I feel like I made myself look flaky and unreliable in my boss’ eyes, and the school probably thinks I’m some sort of neglectful parent. I am trying to do all the right things, but there are so many of them and I just can’t keep up. Every time I mess up like I did this morning, I remember all the other things I’ve forgotten or all the other times I’ve made myself look foolish or inconvenienced others, and I just feel like a total failure as an adult and a human being.

    • #62921

      You are being way too hard on yourself. You know how many times I’ve done the exact same thing? Many. Or when I do actually remember to ask for the time off, I’ll be sitting at my desk totally oblivious to the time and wind up being late. Don’t beat yourself up. At the end of the day, you did remember the appointment.

      To help things out somewhat, I installed the Cozi Calendar app on my phone. It’s a family sharing app, so everyone in our family has the same calendar. And I can set multiple reminders. It’s been pretty helpful.

    • #63031

      You are not a failure. You’re a human being, which means that you will make mistakes, but the fact that you care so much proves that your neither a bad person or a neglectful parent.

    • #63071

      When the topic of ADHD in adults became popular in the news years ago, I believed I had it. One visit to a psychologist was all it took to help me stop forgetting appointments, paying bills, and people’s names. It was advised to me to use a large, loose-leaf daily planner with a 2 page-a-day style and to write everything important down so I didn’t struggle and mess up keeping information in my head! It was magic! The only thing I have to remember is to use it and a sticky note behind the bedroom, bathroom and front door reminds me. An electronic planner does not work….writing information down helps me to visually reinforce the confidence that I won’t forget. As soon as I stop using it daily, my symptoms and anxiety escalate. It also helps keep all new important info in one place such as who the new phone number belongs to and the date and place you met a new friend. I keep a short diary of my activities and feelings here, too.

    • #63391
      Penny Williams

      I agree that you are being way too critical of yourself. We all forget about things sometimes. I rely very heavily on my smartphone calendar. I put 2-3 alerts on every appointment, to make sure I get there. And I don’t have ADHD. Life is busy and we all struggle with the juggling act sometimes.

      Here are some great strategies to help you manage everything when you have ADHD:

      40 Little Life Hacks from ADHD Gurus

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #64331

      Oh my goodness! I was saying the same thing today! I keep forgetting everything for my sons schedule. I have a calendar that is in front of my door to garage. So I always look at it. For some reason this week, I would look up at clock and it would be an hour past his swimming class, ect. So frustrated too! I’m usually more together than this. I’m setting alarms on my phone now! Maybe our brains are spinning too much this week!

    • #64345

      I have great news for those of you with Android phones. (This will be available for those with I-phones before too long, I am also told). There is a great
      Phone App called: Vital Tones for ADD for Adults. I am not sure why it is not available for kids. (They may be afraid it is too powerful. You could send an
      email and ask if curious:
      Anyway, I have been using this downloadable sound therapy system for several months with remarkably dramatic positive results. It is very affordable, as well!
      (About $10 one time).
      What you get: You get three 20 minute sound tracks. Everyone gets the first one for FREE to see if you feel it is helpful. You listen with headphones, not while
      There are little pulsing sounds. If you have ADD they feel “good.” If you don’t, they feel annoying! (At least so others have told me).
      Vital Tones has provided a protocol. You listen to track 1 on day one. track 2 on day 2, and track 3 on day three. Then you cycle back through that
      a number of times. About 108 actual sessions is the total process. After a couple of weeks of cycling through those one a day, you begin to wean off, placing a space between the sessions, and then elongating that space. (It is all spelled out when you get your order).
      I have gone about 50 sessions so far and my life has dramatically and positively improved! I am beginning to get the house clean and organized, I am able to focus
      on projects, I am happier and more confident, the load of shame I’ve carried for not being “good enough” is lifting. It is like someone turned the “lights on” in my
      very good brain. I am 69 and have tried almost everything from Brain Gym to Holosync. This is the FIRST REAL POSITIVE CHANGE I’ve EVER EXPERIENCED for ADD.

      I am weeping with joy. Literally! Please feel free to share your feedback with me after you’ve tried it. (There is a likelihood that this will be available again on IPhone in about 3 weeks from now. Keep checking back if you have that model). Give this a chance folks. It is a gradual shift. Don’t stop after two sessions and say it doesn’t work….be patient. I noticed quite a bit of progress about the second week. It deepened about one month in. Now its almost totally solid “normalized” …in about 2 to 3 months. If you skip a session (which I have a few times), I just go back to the last one and restart the protocol from where I left off. Be patient with yourself. It will come together! Feel free to email me directly if you wish:

    • #64548

      I forget stuff, and I just acknowledge that. If I forget an appointment and don’t want to go, I try to cancel if I can. Like I would have called the doc to reschedule first if I could before trying to leave work early. I feel this is the reason I’m getting discriminated against now that I’m a mom, because other mom’s leaving work because of their kids. I usually end up cancelling 75% of my appointments and missing about 1-5%, this is just how I am, unless it’s important, I reschedule. When I make the appointment it feels über important, but a lot of the time a few days or week before it’s no longer as important as I felt. It might still, in reality be important. This can be estimates for repairs or a doctor appointment. Dental appointments I try to keep, because I hate hate hate the dentist and try to put it off. Mental health appointments I try to keep because I’m mentally ill, or at the very least struggling right now. If it’s an appointment for my child I usually don’t cancel, I usually don’t forget. But I do write stuff on the fridge calendar and put it in my reminders on my phone. I generally try to ask for time off the same day I make the appointment so I don’t forget. Thing is, we all forget, and as parents and spouses it’s so damn stressful, it takes a toll on our memory. Try not to beat yourself up, I think that will actually make it work. Instead own it, I’m forgetful, I guess I just need to take extra steps to remember appointments or special dates, that’s ok, and if I still forget that’s ok too, we live in a busy unrealistic world that wants perfection, will this matter 100 years from now? Probably not, just be kind to you and those who mean the most to you and if there’s any left to spare, strangers too. Sending you good energy and love!

    • #64554

      I hope you’ll notice my message about Vital Tones in the message above. Feel free to email me directly with more questions if you wish. It has been a remarkable
      help to this whole issue.

      I liken Vital Tones as a way to put the operating software into the computer so that the data can run. It helps one set up your brain so it can actually be used!

    • #69290

      I teach university courses, and several times I forgot to go to class on time. It was humiliating, not to mention very inconvenient to students. I’ve also missed meetings, appointments, you-name-it. I tried alarms on my phone, but I don’t like to carry my phone with me every minute. Lately I’ve started wearing an inexpensive fitness watch (think FitBit but much cheaper). I program it to vibrate five minutes before each class. It’s made a huge difference. I don’t worry or obsessively check the clock. I can also quickly program it to vibrate for appointments and meetings. I feel much more relaxed and confident about getting where I need to be.

    • #77865

      Let me ask you a question. Would you ever judge someone with a cast and crutches for not walking fast enough? Would you call them an unreliable slowpoke? I mean there are lots of people out there without casts and crutches who can just walk a lot faster! I don’t think you would, because you know that this person didn’t ask to break their leg!

      So why would you judge someone with ADHD? The difference is that a cast on a leg and two crutches are things you can see. Things that are visible. Also, it probably must hurt and therefore it’s easier for the person with the broken leg to be a lot nicer to themselves. However, ADHD is an invisible condition and so it is much easier to judge by anyone including oneself. To simply classify it under negative personality traits such as flaky, stupid, unreliable, bad parent, etc. However, what it actually is is an under connectivity in the prefrontal cortex of the brain (the frontal area), which regulates working memory, executive functioning and planning. Things people with ADHD all struggle with.

      Trust me, I feel like this all the time! Luckily I happen to have a very supportive boss who is aware of my ADHD. She knows I have difficulties with executive functioning and working memory, and that I sometimes happen to forget things like that. I know I should write everything down, but sometimes I forget that too! It might be good to just have a little private meeting with your boss in which you tell him/her this. They will never judge you as ‘flaky’ if they know it’s you not being ‘flaky’ but a serious brain condition. If you’re afraid they will see you as flaky or unreliable, just make it visible and make people understand, just like they would the person with the cast.

      • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by mayo.
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