Advice needed, Telling the girl you love she has ADhD

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    • #195370


      I met this gorgeous Woman two & half months ago (she is 40 years old, I’m 36), and since our first outing we clicked right away and started seeing each other every second day. we fell madly in love quickly, especially from her side at the beginnings.
      I have always felt there is something not clear about her, I can see that she is very intelligent but at the same time she would miss the turn to my house and get lost all the time, even though she comes often, or lose her stuff all the time, Which made me confused a lot at the time.

      She has been always very honest with me (too honest sometimes, which made me think its too good to be true) about her feelings, that its the first time in her life she feels that way and its amazing feeling, she gave me too much attention, I started to believe that I was the center of her universe, which made me let my guard down and I become madly in love with her too (I never loved anyone like this much before).

      During that first month and half, we would see each other a lot, never get bored, we always wanted more, we were like love birds, you can barley separate us, even if we were not together, we would be in contact all the time, but the dynamic of our interactions over the phone would be different from physically being together. and I couldn’t understand why at the time.

      After that period things started be more difficult, a cycle of me feeling unloved and unappropriated and lack of care, and her getting scared of my nagging and saying the wrong things (to someone with ADHD and they don’t know it, and I didn’t know it at the time) because of the way I was feeling.

      Things got worst to the point were we broke up, I didn’t take well because the way she treated me during the break up like I was nothing and we had nothing, she kept referring to me as if i’m a villain, and I was nothing but extremely good to her. All of that made me lose it one time and I drunk texted her calling her narcissist, toxic and self centered. because that was the only explanation in my head at the time. and of course she did tell me many hurtful things before that.

      I did apologized after one hour of calling her that, but the relationship was over. I did try to win her back many times, because I love her so much, and I knew in my heart she loved me too (even now after knowing about the hyper-focus phase that people with ADHD have in the beginning of a new love) I know what we had was deep and honest. All my tries went in vain.

      After two weeks of the break up, my heart and mind wont rest at all, I kept feeling hurt and confused and in the same time so much love and longing for her. The whole thing didn’t settle well with me, I knew there is something that does not make sense and by coincidence and while searching for a meaning of sentence from a lyrics of a love song, I ended up in this forum, and I read a story of someone that was similar to my story. and from that I went to learn everything I can about ADHD, and after two days of reading and watching talks about ADHD and comparing everything I know about her before and everything we wrote to each other and how the breakup went, I came to the realization and beyond any doubts that she is indeed undiagnosed Adult ADhD woman.

      I leaned that a week ago, and since then I reestablished communications with her, some days are good she is responsive to my massages and calls, and some days not. yesterday I finally reached a point where she agreed to meet me to talk later next week.

      Now knowing what I know about her, I love her even more and more, and I know it wont be an easy ride but i’m willing to do whatever to make it work, Of course I’m aware that she might have never loved me and it was just the beginning of a new love phase, but my gut feeling and some of the things she did after the breakup tells me that she truly love me but I pushed her away with my impulses when I didn’t understand her condition. but now after I knew it would be easier for me to understand her actions and act accordingly.

      My worries now are:

      What is he best way to tell her about her condition and how?

      How long should I wait before I tell her? should I try to reestablish the respect and trust she had for me before I do tell her?

      What is the best way to help her before and after I tell her?

      How would I know for sure if she loves me or she was just hooked on the rush of a new love?

      little background :

      She had a bad marriage bad divorce experience two years ago, and I’m the first serious relationship since that.

      She has one son with autism living with the father.

      She is doing too much at the moment, working as a teacher, studying masters , and working another part time job.

      even though she is extremely beautiful and smart, she has a lot of self esteem issues and its present to people who are close to her.

      Please Help me Help Her

      Sorry if the language is not clear, English is my second language.

    • #195384

      Hi MAAS.
      I am reading your post as if you are writing about my own situation. Although I have been in relationship with my partner on and off for over 15 years, I have only recently came across this website. Like yourself, I have understood that something was fundamentally wrong with the way he relates to me, and others, and sadly have also gone down the path of thinking and accusing him of narcissistic behaviors.
      I have to tell you that our relationship has been beyond challenging – to say the least! He is a wonderful man with many unique talents and have chosen time and again to work things out with him, despite the limitations. I am now armed with an understanding that his brain is wired differently. I have no doubt that he is ADHD with rejection sensitivity. You must be independent, balanced, emotionally stable and strong to be on a life journey with someone like my partner. I have urged him to better understand himself so that he can take some responsibility for his part in the way he relates to me.
      At this time, I have decided to take us to the Amen Clinic for SPECT scans. I simply have no idea how to have this conversation with him, because he is HIGHLY defensive and misperceives constructive criticism as if i were physically attacking him.
      Hopefully it will be a start to having some dialogue.
      Good luck to you, and I’ll be checking this blog for advice from others, as well.

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