ADHD relationship failing (HELP)

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    • #132576

      boyfriend has diagnosed ADHD and hint of Borderline maybe?
      We are on a long distance relationship, but we do meet as much as possible
      dating soon 8 months

      I used to be center of his world, all attention focused on me.
      From someone who seemed completely devoted to the relationship, he turned more distant and desinterested

      At times he seems to completely split me black. I’m completely idealised one moment, the next I’m the worst thing in the world. He becomes hateful, calls me the worst of names, blocks me, while seemingly nothing happened
      The slightest thing sets him off. He tests my loyalty by breaking up multiple times a week, calling me out, obsessively checking through all of my friends, keeps track of when I’m offline and more. He struggles alot with the thought of me leaving him, and always attempts to anticipate on this. He doesn’t want to believe I’m here to stay, due to abuse by his mom in an early age and unloyal exes, as far as I know. He doesn’t really have a good self image either.
      He is continously searching for comfirmation that I am indeed to leave. He’s dillusive.
      Any attempt to solve his impulsive anger, problems, arguments, pushes me further down a spiral of accusations and impossible dillemas.
      It’s never possible to please him, either way resulting into him breaking up with me cause I am supposedly going to do it “anyways”.
      It really sets off the BPD vibes, though it might be something common in people with ADHD.
      Generally, he acts like a big child. What he wants goes. Doesn’t he get it? Tantrum. He’ll get angry, and enjoy it. He is oftentimes actively searching for more reason to be angry, as he feels good doing so (but only towards me).
      These phases last hours to maybe days and occur multiple times a week. He gets verbally abusive and manipulative and turns my life into a literal hell. There’s no reasoning possible

      I often feel like a parent trying to educate him. Whenever his behavior worries me, I try my best to let him know. He always appears to pick this up super intensily, and childishly. He misinterprets anything I say and overreacts massively, going from 0 to 100 up the anger scale super quickly.
      “Oh you think I don’t love you? okay! then I won’t”
      Yeah, he’ll proceed to hate me, for the following month.

      I figured that what I might be doing wrong, is the nagging. I’m eager to solve problems because I’m a really honest person and have a strong sense for justice. I can’t let go of false accusations he makes in anger, and won’t stop nagging untill I got my own point through, but that is about it

      He always appears to excuse himself with that I should accept him, that I never have enough, etc etc etc, and then blocks or theatens break up to get me to shut and get away with it
      He flips any story around to his advantage
      I’m always left feeling terrible and worried. Manipulation, lies, break ups, threats, namecalling, picking fights.
      He’ll do what it takes to get it HIS way
      I’m continously walking on eggshells. Nothing is good.

      What can there be done? We’re hitting rockbottom multiple times. He always tries to leave me, before I can. Nothing happens but his own impulsive behavior that sets his worries of. Is this still ADHD?

    • #132615
      Penny Williams

      This is a very unhealthy relationship. While I commend your loyalty wholeheartedly, you need to set some boundaries to ensure that the relationship is beneficial to you (to both of you really). A lot of people would say to leave him. I’m sympathetic to the fact that there’s a story behind his behavior from past trauma. However, unless he deals with all of that, nothing will change. If it were me, I’d let him know that he has to get therapy for the past trauma or I’m leaving — we deserve to be treated better.

      As well, I’d read up on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) — definitely sounds like that’s at play too possibly.

      How ADHD Ignites Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

      I get the fix-it personality, I’m the same way. However, you have to recognize that once the discussion is heated or once he feels attacked and is emotional or defensive, his amygdala hijacks his brain and blocks the frontal lobe — the thinking, rationalizing, processing part of the brain. It’s best in these moments to say, “It sounds like you need a break to calm down. I do too. Let’s park this issue/conversation for a while. We’ll come back to it when we’re both calm and clear-headed to problem solve and make some real progress.”

      7 Emotions That Knock Us Off Our Feet

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

      • #132873

        I’ll agree with Penny that this sounds like it could be emotional abuse. What you’re describing does not sound like a health relationship, and the fact that you feel you have to “fix” him and that you feel responsible for his moods is dangerous. I’d advise taking a step back and looking at what you want, what you need, and whether or not he can meet those categories. Also, get some feedback from people in your life on what healthy love is and how people communicate without threats, anger, violence, or blocking someone.

        No one can convince you if you’re being abused. But people can express their concern and hope that you might pause and think. I hope you have someone you can talk to for more information.

        Also, here’s this informational link: Abuse Defined

    • #132673


      Based on your honest comments, above, I can tell you that your
      friend is exhibiting the actions of a person with Borderline
      Personality Disorder.

      There is nothing “borderline” about BPD….it’s a freaking
      nightmare for anyone associated (close) to a person with this

      And yes, I speak from experience..I was married to a person with was a 9 month nightmare. Just for reference, comparing ADHD
      and BPD is like comparing a common cold with Ebola.

      You mention “walking on eggshells”, but I’d bet you’ve found that
      “walking on eggshells” is of no help…he still goes off, anyway.
      Does the phrase “I hate you!…Don’t leave me!” sound like what
      he’s telling you?

      I would encourage you, in the strongest possible terms, to separate
      yourself from this individual, and then move on with your life. You
      can not help him, and the abuse you’re getting will continue.

      I can recommend a couple of books that you will find helpful, as you
      will likely need some help (counseling) yourself to undo some of the
      damage that you have suffered as a result of the bad relationship.

      I know you don’t know the first thing about me, but please..heed my suggestion:
      protect yourself (emotionally) and get away from this person.

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